A Single Mom's Life

I'm a loser...

2010-05-14T01:25:00.001-04:00

...ok not really..just haven't posted in awhile, so I suck (and I don't mean in a good way either..lol)

I'll be back...in the meantime I lost my comments now! :( So I can't keep up with anyone. Damn haloscan!

Anyways...Update coming soon!!!

Wii Fit Plus Kicks My Ass

2010-01-15T16:48:00.001-05:00

So I made the traditional resolutions, but I plan on keeping them.

First one is to lose weight, but I do not plan on dieting. I plan on making changes in my eating, becausing frankly....a diet doesn't work for me. I have no will power at all, none, nada, nil...zip, zero, none. So I am paying attention more to what I buy food wise and what I snack on. The great thing is that the past few weeks...I have been eating until full, and not buying TOO many snacks that are not good. What I have been doing is working out with Wii Fit Plus..wow. Now you can get away with doing very little on this "game" but I usually choose the rough route, with going easy every couple of days. I am actually loving it! The only problem I am having is with ab muscles. I think between pregnancy, being overweight, and appendectomy all within about 4 months kind of tore up my abs. I work out for awhile, and I get the HUGE cramp in my stomach half way through that feels like those nasty charlie horses you get in your calf but in my stomach. I Have to lay on my stomach for about an hour to release the cramp...so I gotta work on those muscles a little bit easier and work my way up.

Anyways...I am kinda psyched about this. YAY me!

A photo for your enjoyment...

2010-01-15T01:35:00.001-05:00

Here is a photo of Brooke and I at my pinning ceremony (it's a nursing school traditional ceremony). Please realize she was with grandma during the ceremony with having punch after so she is a little bit of a mess...lol. Oh yeah...she also needed a haircut but we had snow storms that week, that kind of threw that out the window.

And here is a photo of probably one of the only people in my class that I want to have a long life friendship with...Jess

Is a Disney Cruise in our future?

2010-01-14T23:33:00.001-05:00

I'm going to work like hell to make sure Brooke & I take a cruise in 2011. That will be the last year she will not be in school, and I want to take it in as much as possible.

Today I spent a good 6 hours looking for blogs about single parent cruising, and to be honest, I found very little. Sure, I found articles saying how great it was, and how much fun kids can have (not to mention myself). But I didn't find any REAL good information on single parent cruising.

I am afraid of cruising as a single mom with a child alone. Everything I read about safety and things like that don't concern me. It sounds like Disney keeps their cruises pretty safe for the kids (as safe as a kid can be anywhere that is), so I don't worry about that part. I worry about myself...how much fun can cruising alone with a child can be?

Sure you can send your child to the clubs and enjoy some "me" time, but come on...I can only spend so much "me" time alone! I am afraid of how lonely I will get! I tend to get quite shy around people I don't know, it is the self esteem part of me...so I will sit on the deck, swim, go the <gasp> bar and sit there alone, even though I yearn to go to the dance club, and get my boogie on (boy does that age me!)...I'll probably sit in the sports bar, because that is just where it is easier to be when you are alone. Who wants to watch a bunch of couples dancing together, while you are there alone?(this is all while Brooke is in the club of course).

I plan to spend significant amount of time with her, but a couple of hours a day could do myself some good. I could go work out(ugh!), sit on the deck, swim, go to the bar, take whatever little class they offer...but that is just not so much fun alone.

I really don't have many friends that I know who would go on a cruise with me, but I hope that in the next few months, I will meet some...

But...I am bound and determined to make this trip happen. Even if I go and spend all my me time in the stateroom...it will still be me time. No worrying about cleaning up, making the bed, cooking dinner, etc...It will be relaxing I hope.

On the other hand, I hope to treat my daughter to the vacation of a lifetime. To see her lightup when she sees the characters, dance at the parties on deck, do all the fun things that kids do in the club...that, alone would be worth the trip.

Technorati Tags: disney cruise,single parent cruise,vacations,dreams

Brooke's last day at daycare...

2010-01-04T18:54:00.001-05:00

Brooke was in her daycare since she was 12 weeks old. She is now going on 4 January 6th(my goodness where has time gone). This made it very difficult for me when I dropped her off the other day for her last day. I have state sanctioned daycare, and since I am done with school, I can no longer get the daycare sanctioned, so we had to say goodbye.

Since everyone has become a big part of our family, I/we made chocolate covered pretzels to give to the staff at the daycare. After making a ~~mess~~ bunch of these treat bags, I took them in to the daycare and had Brooke pass them out to everyone. The first room we took them to was to the cook...then we dropped off to her current teacher. Ok..no problem, we can do this. We get back to the nursery where her first teacher, T, was working. She gave Brooke a hug, and that was the end. I ended up bawling. Yes, I cried. Why?? I felt like a fool. We took the bags to the other classrooms as I sobbed. A few of the teachers looked at me like I was insane....

So to me it was an end.

I was going to enroll Brooke into Head Start. I went in to ask about it, and maybe get a tour. When I walked in the lady looks at me and says "You have to call central registration." Umm ok...well can I get some information "You will have to call". Ummm that did not go over well. So I called central registration. They registered her, and told me that they should not have acted like that and should have answered any questions I had, and given me a tour. Ok...so I get home..and start thinking about it. I don't think I want to do this now. I got a feeling in the pit of my stomach, and decided I was not comfortable with this place, so I decided to keep her home with me. When I get a job, I will reenroll her in the daycare she has been going to and that will be the end of that.

Wow...3:00AM

2009-12-27T03:14:00.001-05:00

Well it is 3:00 and I just caught up on reading blogs. Unfortunately, my reader doesn't go back more than 30 days apparently, but that is ok...I'll catch up when I need to if I don't understand something. I wasn't able to comment on everyone's..I just am not in the swing of this anymore..but I'll get there eventually.

It has been interesting, reading about other single mom's new or old relationships, new jobs, new parenting issues, and new situations in life.

My heart goes out to all of them...and how I missed them all so much. I am glad to be able to find time again for myself, even if it is in the middle of the night while Brooke sleeps behind me.

In the meantime, a few things you didn't know was going on.

Remember in my Hell froze over post(ok..nevermind, I guess I never wrote that post, it was in July)...my little brother got married...yeah, well they have split. I probably shouldn't get into details, but I kinda understand what has happened, though I think they are splitting a little too fast, or at least planning on doing it permanently a little too fast, but what can you do.

Brooke had her last day at daycare last week. I sobbed. I will tell that story in another post, because I really feel it needs a post all to it's own. I have made decisions that are going to affect our lives for the next few months while I wait on taking boards.

I really have a lot I want to talk about, so I am going to keep my Live writer open on my computer when it is on, so I can just jump into a post when I feel inspired, but until then, I should get some sleep.

Catching up on reading...

2009-12-26T19:50:00.001-05:00

Since nursing school completely consumed by day to day life, I have neglected reading some of my favorite blogs. So if you happen to get a comment from an old blog from me...Sorry it is so late.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

How hard is it? I mean really...

2009-12-14T23:15:00.001-05:00

How hard is it to blog? Apparently, I find it real difficult, hence you haven't heard from me in a long time. I'm going to try to get moving on this again, because outside of a take home final....I will be officially....

DONE WITH NURSING SCHOOL!!!!!

So there ya have it...That is where I am at. Brooke and I have had a very busy last year with school, I didn't think it would ever end. Now I have to get ready to take boards, probably late January/early February.

I have probably lost a lot of my readers, mostly because of my lack of posting, but to be honest, I haven't had a chance to read all the blogs I used to read. I will get back to that eventually, I promise. First, though, I have a bedroom full of a year of neglect. There is no food rotting under the covers, or poopy diapers from when Brooke was a baby sitting around..it is just that I have clutter everywhere. I must have about 50 nursing books alone just kinda leaning against the piece of metal bookshelf they are on. My closet is just filled with things piled in there in boxes with no rhyme or reason other than..."I don't know what to do with this" pile.

Brooke is doing wonderful. She is blossoming into a beautiful child with stubborness that she certainly does not get from me..(blinking innocent eyes).

She has taken on phrases such as "What the hectic?" to responding to the comment "Brooke you are so silly" with "Yes, I am." She is still obsessed with toes, can not break her of that...AND she is OBSESSED with her Crocs which make me look like a bad mom when she is wearing them in 30 degree weather...but hey, she is wearing socks, and there is no snow on the ground, So MIND YOUR OWN DAMNED business.

I am excited with the things to come...Wow...once I find a nursing job, 2 more months and me and the kid will be living in our own little home. It's hard to believe, but it is now becoming more real. I have basically sworn off relationships the last 2 years...and yes to those saucy people I know...I even sworn off sex. Sex makes life too complicated while in nursing school. Especially when you aren't dating anyone specific. In order to have sex, you have to meet someone, which means you have to have a babysitter, which means you sometimes have to have money, which means you have a job, which means you have little time for studying, which means that when you are studying...you are not paying much attention to your child, which means the child has a lot of resentment, which means she starts to act out, which means you get exhausted dealing with the acting out, which means that you lose precious study time......well you get the picture.

I look forward to catching up on everyone's blogs. I hope you all still remember me.

Oh yeah, Im getting rid of Blogher...it's just too intense for me...too many rules...I'm already structured by rules with school..Don't need anymore.

It's That time again...

2009-07-16T03:00:00.001-04:00

Time for the old PMS to kick in...at least that is what I hope. Started feeling really down today that I have noone to bitch to, then I thought "Hey...those that do read my blog...I'll bitch to them. " Aren't you the lucky ones?? LOL

Just a couple of things that I need to get off my chest.

1. I am beginning to really think I have something wrong with me health wise, but I won't go see a doctor unless the symptoms are objective so I sit here scared. I don't want to go to the doctor and tell them the things that I have going wrong, because I have an intense fear that I won't be believed. This goes back to my childhood when I used to overexaggerate certain pains to get attention. I stopped this years ago when it finally hit me that it wasn't the attention I wanted to get. I mostly stopped doing this around 7th or 8th grade, but now I FEAR being thought of as trying to get attention since the Monster stripped all sense of my thought processes away from me. Some of the subjective(symptoms that can not be seen by someone else. This is opposed to objective when can be observed by others, such as vital signs, etc) symptoms I have are forgetfulness, tiredness, short dizzy spells, lack of concentration, irritableness (this one could be the PMS), some other vague things...but the biggest one that scared me is the other day the fingers on my left hand fell asleep for no reason for about 5 minutes. All these things together..make me real nervous. First, I was in the hospital about 2 weeks ago for pneumonia/exasperation of asthma for about 5 days...and second, I have 2 cousins with MS. Maybe I sound like a hypochondriac, but I sure don't feel like one about this stuff. It is no secret that I have bad health issues...but I so don't want to go and complain to the doctor about this stuff to be told it is probably nothing, yet, I also do not want to go through a bunch of tests to be told it is nothing, because THEN it WILL look like I am trying to get attention. It is an exhaustive circle!

2. People in my class are driving me INSANE! It just seems that they choose to distract me. Now, I know they aren't choosing to do it, but they do. I have catageroized them...

We have:
Chatty Cathys- Sometimes they talk about the subject at hand, maybe someone is asking their neighbor for clarification or whatever, but it is right in the middle of the instructor talking, and often explaining it further...then to REALLY piss me off...the people that were talking, will ask a question that the instructor had said while they were talking! This often reminds me of something I had heard in Psych nursing. It was a recording of what it sounds like to someone with Schizophrenia..and the voices in their heads.

Three Hole Punch Theresas-reorganize their notebooks AND 3 hole punch while the instructor is talking...(this happened tonight by someone that normally doesn't do it...Click...CLUNK....CLICK....CLUNK...SHUFFLE...CLUNK

Heidi Highlight-Some people will highlight their power point slides with 6 different colors (for different things I guess...but I don't understand that, because I'd be concentrating too much on which color I should be using instead of what is being said..but whatever works for them)...this would not bother me but they take the lid off...highlight...click the lid back on...set it down(not drop it, but certainly not lay it down quietly)...pick up the next color...click the lid off highlight...click it back on...set it down...Now if it it was here and there...then that would be one thing, but I think they highlight EVERYTHING so that it fits into their color coding...so it is LITERALLY click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap... Over and OVER again...constantly. Now in their defense..today for some reason instead of stewing over it like I normally do...I said something to the Heidi Highlight and Three Hole Punch Theresa and they actually acknowledged my pain...but the one girl that normally does the hole punching and reorganizing

Better Than You Betty-Who feels that she knows it all, and knows why you are having problems, and will tell you what you are doing wrong in your studies. She will even tell you that she doesn't care if the 75% of the people like a movie, song, television show...that movie, song, television show is terrible! As if she is the authority on what is good and what is bad. She even told me that my whole problem with studying is using outside sources to help clarify things for myself.

Cold Cates-Who may or may not be included in any of the other groups. These are the girls who feel that the room is always...FREEZING. What I would like to say to the Cates in the world..."I know you know that I have breathing problems at times, that is often exasperated by heat, and I know that you know that there are several of us older women in the class who get hot real bad...but it is much easier for you to put a sweater/jacket/or hoodie on then it is for me to take my clothes off. Ok actually it may or may not be easier...but trust me dear..you don't wanna see this body naked. Please do not turn up the heat. What's that? You 'd don't want to put a sweater on because it is summer?? Well guess what...I don't wanna show my tits to you at all"

Anal Retentive Annie- who is constantly shuffling through her book, her notes, and anything else she has to find reference to what the teacher is talking about. Let's not mention the post it tabs she puts on every book..during class for each chapter. (All color coordinated and lined up JUST so)

Then Finally...the worse offender of making me wanna pull out a 3 inch 3 ring binder and clobbering someone with it..is Know It All Nelly...This girl has something to say about EVERYTHING. All during clinical she commented on everything, and often things that had nothing to do with anything. I was on my last straw...and when I saw the end in sight yesterday that I was finally getting away from her for a few days...I made the mistake of making a comment. What comment could I possibly say that I thought was "safe" that Know It All Nelly would not have anything to say anything about it you might ask?.... It was... "Over by that yellow truck is where most of us are parked." To which she replied... "Is that your yellow truck Josh?? My son LOVES yellow trucks...Everytime he is sees a yellow truck he says blah blah blah(at this point I had an aneurysm and didn’t hear the rest she had to say"

Yeah..no cares in the world to anyone but themself. Now I could get anal and say that those that sit there and text constantly during class distract me some too...but, I think that is CERTAINLY mostly my pettiness because the texting isn't really that loud or distracting, it is just all the movement.

Having bitched about all these people makes me feel better...I know none of them are meaning bad to me..but I have to bitch to someone..so you get it :)

Yes..these are the people that I enjoy in my day to day life at school....and the things that annoy the hell out of me...During PMS.

Barbara Walters is THAT stupid????

2009-06-24T02:12:00.001-04:00

I normally do not watch the View, and today I accidentally ran across it, and now I know why I don't watch it.

The conversation was about Chris Brown and Rhianna. The discussion at the point where I sprung out of bed and started screaming at the television was when Barbara Walters opened her mouth and said "First time his fault, second time your fault." WHAT THE HELL??? I never cared for her, but now I down right can't stand her! She obviously is uneducated about domestic violence and the cycle of violence. Come on Barbara...I'd love to talk to you about this, because I find that you are VERY uneducated and know NOTHING about it.

Do you want to know my 2 cents??? Well..since this is my blog...I'm going to tell you. After all, that is why I type this blog right? LOL :) I'm just teasing...but honestly this is the way it is. I don't care if it is the first time, second time, or 100th time a man hits a woman, it is never EVER EVER her fault. (For the record...I am using her and him because that is the most usual battered person, a woman...but it can be reverse). Over the years, when I tell my story...it is inevitable that someone will say, "Why didn't you just leave?" or "It would have stopped if you would have left." These are the stigmas associated of victims of domestic violence...but let me give a little lesson, so that I can be part of the education in domestic violence. When women go back, they don't go back because they want to be beaten again, they go back for so many more reasons, that unless you have been in the situation, you will never understand. Some of the reasons they go back is because they are promised the world....they are promised it will never happened again...their abuser becomes the person that they originally fell in love with again. Another reason they go back, is typically the abuser controls the money...so the victim has nothing, therefore (especially when the victim has kids) they feel that have to option since they have no money. And on other reason is that often the victim has been alienated from friends and family...they have nowhere to go (other than shelters) and feel like the only home they can have is with the abuser.

I was reading some of the message boards on The View website..and one thing that was brought up was that people are ticked that Rhianna is being "punished" and being told she is not allowed to contact Chris...I believe this is to save her, not to punish her. In fact, when I went before the judge in my protection order hearing...my ex was told that regardless if I started the contact or not, HE is responsible to stay away. If I found him, HE had to leave. For instance if he was at the local swimming place...and I walked in...HE had to leave. Or if I called him, HE had to hang up on me. My ex tried to fight it when she told him that, which was hillarious because his attorney told him to shut up...but he tried to say he was going to go to school too (where I was going at the time), and what if we were in the same building...that just isnt fair. The judge looked at him and said "I SAID, if she is somewhere...YOU have to leave..no option".

One final thing...a man should NEVER hit a woman, regardless if she did it or not. He needs to leave. Dr Phil said this before, and I believe this...but sometimes I wonder about it. Though it is true that most of the time the abuser is a man...so I guess it seems to fit. What do you think?

The real me....

2009-06-16T02:43:00.001-04:00

The other day someone said something to me that caused me to do some self examination. I wanted to put this in a blog, because there is just no one outside of blogdom that really wants to hear it, I am sure.

I was told that I was "hard headed". At first I was offended but after thinking about it, I realized that I probably do appear hard headed but I am far from that. To me hard headed means I make a decision or have a thought and I am hard fast on it. This is not true. The reason they think this is because often we are talking at school about a test question before we get the answer back...and if I say what my answer was, I will try to explain why I chose it. More often then not, I am cut off before completing my thought and that just PISSES me off to no ends. So I got to thinking about that. I decided that the reason I do this because I have spent all of my life trying to be heard, and never was. But since the life changing event of my abusive ex, I made a HUGE change in my thought processes and I changed. I want to be heard, that is all. If I am heard, and someone wants to debate(in a nice way of course) I am more than happy to discuss it, and maybe even change my mind...but don't cut me off before I have made my point, because that just gets me going more and I will fight...fight not to prove myself right, but to fight to be heard, which will appear to be a fight for my cause.

Another thing about me that really no one knows(at least those that don't read my blog that is) is that I am still in love with a guy I dated 6 years ago. Not so in love that it keeps me from other relationships, but in love enough that it hurts me that he still wants to have a friendship. I have not ever responded to him, but he keeps trying. I just don't get it. I mean really...I NEVER see him anymore...but yet he hunts me out, such as on facebook...he sends me messages, tries to message me, and yet I have not answered him in 4 years. At what point does he get it? I mean really. Shutting him off is my way of dealing. He is married now and has moved on obviously, so why does he feel so obligated to keep in touch? Especially since he gets no response.

I am protective about the situation at which Brooke has came to be...and I probably will be until the day I die. (With the exception of when she is old enough to explain to her..but other than that..I don't really want to share that. I have told maybe 3 people and 2 I have never met, and my old therapist. Is that wrong of me?? Probably...but really, is it anyone's business?

I am stressed beyond belief. The only thing that keeps me going every day is my daughter. I feel bad that I can not give her the life she deserves right now, but I keep in my mind, I am doing all this for us. I know that this is the fact, but some days I do feel bad about it.

I am ok with being single, but I wish I wasn't. I need to be loved, and to love someone...but that is ok. Right now I need to work on myself. But it still sucks. Does that make sense?

I have wanted to be the center of attention. In years past it was always achieved in bad ways. Now I find myself using humor to cause attention to myself. Often this humor can be annoying, I would imagine...but I do get a lot of laughs.

I know people at school especially get annoyed with me having so many stories...but when you have been in my shoes all these years, and have seen, done or had done to you so many things...you have a TON of stories. I am working on this. I have decided that I am going to keep more stories to myself. Because after some point, people start to believe(at least I do about other people), that you are making things up, which I do not do.

I get depressed because I have only been out for the evening enjoying my time 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years. Do you know how bad that sucks? I got told by one of the girls at school that they do not invite me to anything anymore because I never go. First, it is still nice to be invited, even if I can't go...and second, I wish like hell I had money to pay a sitter to babysit but I am broke.

And finally, I have never been this broke in my life. I have $50 to my name to last me the rest of the month, and will need gas by the end of this week. If it wasn't for my parents I do not know what I would do.

Finally, I love my father, but I have spent all of my life CONSTANTLY trying to impress him. If I get a good grade on a test, he is the first to know. They day I did an IV...I was excited to tell him. I told others, but he was the one I wanted to tell the most. Often time when I do tell him something positive, I barely get a response, sometimes I get a negative response("Oh you got a B? What happened to an A?"), and sometimes he will say good job. UGH I hate this about me the most.

So there ya go...some insight into me...There is so much more because I am a complex person. I had to put this in a blog because it is running through my head, and I am sure no one wants to listen to me talk about myself in real life...so you, my dear bloggers, get the luck to listen to me ramble :)

Things 3 year olds shouldn't say...or me for that matter.

2009-06-07T01:40:00.001-04:00

Today, Brooke said something to me that 3 year olds should not say. This is also something I say often, that I SWORE I'd never say to my child when I was younger.

Me: Brooke...are you ready for bed?

Brooke: No mommy.

Me: Why not?

Brooke: Because

Me: Because? Why arent you ready for bed?

Brooke: Because I said so.

WTF???? It is just like nails going down a chalkboard when she says this because that means something I swore I'd never say...is being thrown back in my face.

========================

Another gem...Don't criticize me..because this USED to work...

Me: Let's go inside Brooke.

Brooke: I don't want to mommy.

Me: Mommy's going to cry...(btw..why do we always refer to ourselves in third person?)

Brooke: Go ahead.

WTF??? When did my child become so insensitive. LOL

=========================

Me: Brooke GO TO BED! (the way I say it sometimes makes her cry..)

After she is done crying and lying in bed...

Brooke: Mommy, I'll be nice now.

Me: Ok honey...Go to sleep. I love you.

Brooke: Mommy, I'm sorry now.

Me: Ok honey, I love you, now go to sleep.

Brooke: Mommy, can I give you a hug?

Me: Yes honey...I love you.

Ok...I'll wait for you all to say "Awwwwwwwwwwww".

The next morning....

Brooke: Mommy, are you still mad?

Me: No honey. I love you. (She wasn't suppose to remember that!)

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Here are some shorts of things that were said to us in class by our instructor...and my response. And yes I said this stuff out loud .

Instructor: Personalities are pretty concrete. This means that a 2 year old's personality will probably never change.

Me: Good God....I'm in trouble.

============================

Instructor: (teaching on Bipolar disorder) Many people with bipolar are very impulsive in their manic phase. For instance, they will be less choosey on who they have sex with.

Me: Well...I guess that goes to prove I am not bipolar, since I am not having any sex.(someone tell me why I admitted that in front of my whole class?)

===============

While discussing advanced directives, and how if you don't have advanced directives..the next of kin is automatically given the responsibility.

Me: So if you are saying that next of kin gets the responsibility that would be my parents, and I am ok with that, because they are very rational.

Instructor: Do you have any brother's and sisters?

Me: I have one of each.

Instructor: Well..there is a possibility that they could fight for that right to make the calls.

Me: Hmmm well I better get one written ASAP then because my sister would be fighting to pull the plug even if there is a 99% possibility that I could recover! In fact, she probably would be begging to do the deed!

I often come out with quips in class...most of the time I get a laugh, but I bet I drive some of the other students nuts. lol

DUCK!!! Pigs are flying!

2009-05-28T03:41:00.001-04:00

Yes...I am sitting here sniffling because they grow up so fast...sniff sniff.

No, I am not talking about Brooke....I am talking about my little/big brother is actually going to do it... He has been to Iraq and back...he has drank a many a beer...and he has dated a many a women....but he is finally going to get married! Yes..my 25 year old brother is going to settle down and become <gasp> married. They are getting married July 8th, I guess just at the court house, but he is actually going to do it. Congrats little bro...(Even though you don't even know about my blog...lol).

Told you so....

2009-05-28T02:56:00.001-04:00

Yeah, so I took Brooke back to the dentist. In a way I really was hoping for the melt down that happened so I could be vindicated, but I hated that my darling child had to go through this...but she HAD to. It's just a shame that the dentist is in some kind of denial, the same denial that I am in when I think that eating that huge piece of cake isn't really going to put any more fat on my hips.

We arrive at the office ~~of horrors~~ 30 minutes early, because I am the queen of being early. Luckily Brooke didn't realize that we were just here the week before, or did she? After explaining to the receptionist on how to set the dvd to play, because obviously noone has ever watched DVD's there, we sat down and waited...and waited...and waited.

Finally they call Brooke's name. This is where you could see the fear rise from the tips of her piggies to the pig tails in her hair. We walk back to the little room that they use for xrays. Now, mind you she never really made into the chair the last time, so this time...I sit down they throw a vest that weighs 4 times as much as Brooke on me, throw one on her...and proceed to attempt to take the xray (On a side note...whatever happened to the question of "Is there any chance your pregnant? question. I guess they can see the celibacy of a year and half written all over my face). Now Brooke is kicking and screaming, it is taking all my might to hold on to her and calmly tell her that she was going to be ok, they were just going to take pictures of her teeth. Nope, no how, no way was she going to let them! So what do they do? They get what I am assuming is the master of dental heigenests (sleep escapes me to remember how to spell that) to come in. I am thinking...great...she must work with kids real well. Calm them down..keep them ok for the xray. NOPE she is the masochist of all masochist. She throws on an apron and grabs my child's chin and throws that little piece of plastic that tears into your gums into her mouth. 3 or 4 times. Now...it happened so fast that I didn't realize just how rough she was, until we get out of the chair...and find my child's lips are BLEEDING! YES BLEEDING! UGH! So I'm fuming, but I just want this over with so I can hold my child and apologize.

Then they take us to "the room". Now last time they had us in a room with 3 chairs, this time...I'm sure they thought "We have a screamer that is bleeding, we do not want anyone to see this!" so they gave us our own little room. While we waited for the dentist, Brooke started sorting through the little toys they give to the kids. I told her she could have 2 since they were so mean to her. (Ok I didnt say since they were so mean...but I did tell her to take 2).

The dentist came in and said...YAY! She got the xrays done! What a great job Brooke! And all Brooke did was look at her like she was out of her mind. So now...let's get her to sit in the chair. NOPE NO WAY...but some how..they put her in the chair, ~~tied her down~~ while the dentist looked in her mouth, the hygienist held her hands down. Brooke is screaming her freaking head off...but hey! That works for the dentist as she poked around to see all the work that needed to be done. They praised her for being such a good girl and helping them out by keeping her mouth open. Ummmmm hello???? She was screaming..she wasn't doing you a favor (can ya tell I'm still pissed off about the xrays?).

So they came to the SAME conclusion as last week...she needs to be sedated in order to do the repairs on her teeth that need to be done. Um couldn't we have just skipped this step then? Then being a stupid mom I ask her...so will they do a cleaning then too?? The dentist says to me...Now get this..this is the same woman who remembered Brooke from last week being noncompliant...and the same one who just had to deal with her screaming while trying to see what needed done "oh, we didn't clean her teeth?" UMMMM NO???? Have you been hitting that nitrous oxide yourself lady? So we get Brooke back into the chair...screaming her head off again...and they start to clean her teeth. Once Brooke tasted the toothpaste, she was chowing on it! She kept closing her mouth just so she could taste it. Then when they when to use that ~~vacuum hose~~ suction with the water...she was all about that...she loved having her tongue sucked (oh lord, this could be trouble when she grows up!)...but she was a trooper through all that.

Now...the dentist again tells Brooke how great she did! And how she was such a big girl! Ummm hello...do you have ear plugs in? Then she tells Brooke to take a toy or 2 from the bin....Of course I didn't tell her about the 3 she stuffed in my purse while waiting.

Geesh...who knows my child best?

2009-05-19T23:15:00.001-04:00

I really hate that fact that some medical practioners think they know my child better than I do. Case in point, the PEDIATRIC dentist I took Brooke to last week. I really kind of wait for redemption this Thursday when we go back.

First a little back story....a year and a half ago Brooke threw one of her major fits at daycare and it resulted in this....

In case you can't tell her top tooth was knocked clear up into her gums. The dentist (a different one) said he would be surprised if it lasted but it has. When I took her to this dentist, she was very cooperative, despite that the "accident" had just occurred a couple of hours before. When we went for the follow ups, she sat for xrays, opened her mouth, and let the dentist poke around and look at the damage for awhile. She had to be in some severe pain, so the latest excuse this new dentist gave is bullshit.

Lately, whenever Brooke eats anything real sweet, she complained of a toothache. Now, she NEVER complains any other time, just when she eats something sweet. So I had to take her to the dentist. We went to a different dentist because the first dentist didn't take her insurance, and I had to pay things out of pocket, so this time...I am not able to do that.

We go into this dentist who is suppose to specialize in kids, so I'm thinking...GREAT! They will understand a 3 year old's temperament and be able to deal with her. We walked into the room where they do xrays and Brooke has a breakdown. Not just a breakdown but a full blown out...NO WAY IN HELL am I sitting in that chair for xrays breakdown. I tried to hold her, nope, I tried to talk calmly to her, nope...She just was not having it. So the dental hygienist decided there was no way we were getting xrays. So off we went to the next room where the dentist chair was. I sat down in the chair expecting to hold her, and she made it clear...NO WAY IN HELL am I sitting in that chair mom, not even on your lap! Eventually we wrestled her down for the dentist to get a millisecond peak in her mouth as she screamed in defiance. Now the child is scared, and I understand that. This was a strange place. I was very apologetic and explained that she was always cooperative with the dentist and doctors...and in no way did I expect her to do this before they even got her mouth open.

The dentist proceeds to tell me that it was because my child was in pain and that she was going to probably need to have some teeth pulled, and that would require sedation. However, the doctor that does sedation has a 2 month waiting list. But we want to bring her back to get the xrays next week after round of antibiotics and pain relief. She will be fine once the swelling is down and there is no pain, because that is why she is throwing a fit. Ummm hello....I know my child. She is not letting you poke in her mouth because YOU just aren't friendly to kids. She wasn't calm talking, didn't try to explain to Brooke what was going to happen(not that she would really understand, but it would give her some indication that the dentist was nice), NOR did she give Brooke anything to play with like the other dentist gave her some bubblegum smelling gloves to play with. Oh yeah...she says to Brooke after she calms down..."Brooke do your teeth hurt?" and Brooke said yes. When we get into the car...I said to Brooke, "Brooke do your teeth hurt..." Her answer??? NO. She told this dentist what she wanted the dentist to hear so she'd leave her mouth alone!

So after she told me I was wrong, that she was just in pain, because there is no way it was her problem, she had me schedule another appointment this week...just for her to say... "well I can't get xrays or a look so we will have to schedule another appointment"...because I just have all the time in the world!

Who wants to put $50 on the fact that Brooke will not be cooperative Thursday when we go back???

I suck.....

2009-05-10T00:58:00.001-04:00

Alternate title...Happy Mother's Day! (I'm trying to get that in because I know there is one person looking for an update..)

Yes I am still alive. Things have been so freaking crazy that I really don't know what end is up. I have no excuse for not writing, other than my face is plastered to Med Surg books and care plans.

So here I go again with an update...are you not sick of my updates?? I know I am! And apparently so is my former sponsors who have dropped me from their list(for good reason!).

Last term was HELL! I am not just saying that for me, I am saying that for everyone in the class. It was the toughest one yet. In fact, we lost 8 people from failing. That is 8 out of 24! Ummmm....1/3...33.33333333%. So you can imagine how my life centered around school and all things medical. But, I pulled through with a B, so that is all that counts, right?

This term is not as hard as far as learning (at least not yet), but we have projects coming out the anal canal that each of us has. But the real bad part is...I have truly lost my drive. I have lost ever give in me. I need to find that drive back, but not sure how. I am working on that.

During my 1 week break from school, I took a vacation. Yes...a bonified, fly in a plane vacation to the beach. I had been in contact with a former..hmmm...how do I put this...friend with benefit. We haven't seen each other in 7 years, so for those doing the math, he is NOT Brooke(yes I am just outing my daughter's name now) father. I do not know how many times I have been asked this before we left, but I'm just going to get it out there.

Now...I'm probably going to get myself into trouble because he has read my blog once at least, but I will put a little bit about our vacation.

Brooke & I flew to Wilmington NC for 4 days. We spent 3 of these days at the beach, which I got the worse sunburn ever. I ended up at the doctors back home because the pain and various colors was just not sitting well with my nursing instructor. Thank goodness all that was required were steroid creams and pain meds. Today all is well with a little bit of left over skin shedding...I just LOVE to peel my skin. LOL

Our trip was far from relaxing. I let Brooke run the beach as much as I could because I knew she was so in love with it...that I did not want to take that away from her. Plus I knew that for the next 6 months left of school...she would not be doing a whole lot of getting out. I did nothing but chase her and keep her from drowning under the waves. She loved the beach...and the seashells. *sigh* I am glad she was happy but it exhausted me.

This was the first day at the beach. The water was freezing, but my child didn't care. Ummm yeah...which means I had to NOT care because I had to go in after her.

70 degree water is cold!

She was a very good girl. I was so worried how she was going to react to the plane ride, but she was a trooper....Never cried once or even got scared! She got mad at me because she wanted to color during take off...but she got over it quickly.

Here she is at the Charlotte airport waiting for our connecting flight...what a great girl!

I love her crooked smile. She always has it when she is up to something!

So to answer anyone before asking...There is a reason is was a friend with benefit...and there was a reason for the former friend with benefits. No romance, no sex, no love...so don't even ask.

I am going to update more...I promise...I need to just do it. LOL Not to mention fix the code now.

Oh how I miss you all. I have read all the engagments and new guys...You all are so lucky. I hope everything and the best for you!!! I am off... I need to be on the psych floor by 7AM...(and no I am not being admitted......YET).

Ohhhhh so HILLARIOUS!

2009-03-03T02:28:00.001-05:00

So one of my readers, fellow single mom, and aspiring actress/writer/all that other fun stuff out in LA...Has webisodes. These are hillarious!

So go check out her site and watch the videos. My favorite was "If Hitler Gave Me a Wax Job".

So go check it out......Bernthis.com

Why are you still here????

Are you gone yet????

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm Really Beginning To Hate Facebook...

2009-03-03T01:32:00.001-05:00

I posted about an ex boyfriend who found me on Facebook and keeps me thinking about him. Then I posted about the people on Facebook that I went to school with who didn't know I was alive in school, but suddenly are real friendly....

The exboyfriend...apparently deleted himself. Kinda relieved...but still... (I wonder if he saw my blog..hmmm..)

The people from high school that it kinda bothered me that they were so nice to me, well I am over it. It is what it is...and it was 20 years ago. Whatever.

Now...there was a guy who I went to church with in high school. We were really good friends, and he had a huge crush on me. He never admitted it until the other night, but I knew then. He was a great guy..just not what I wanted in a guy. He was rough around the edges. He was angry at the world it seemed, but he was still a friend. I found him on Facebook. I had always wondered what happened to him, and I would periodically search for him on various means, but I finally ran across him. We have been talking a lot and I have found, he is still rough around the edges, and kind of annoying. Now that I know he is still alive, I kind of wonder whether I should have found him in the first place. Ah well...what can you do?

Facebook can be a good thing, but I wonder if it isnt a great thing like I originally thought.

By the way, truck driver and I went to the casino over the weekend. Umm he lost a grand. (I should say we, because I gambled with his money)...but I got to play blackjack for the first time in my life. Kinda fun!

Is it possible to fail at finding friendships?

2009-02-24T01:52:00.002-05:00

"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."
- Tom Petty

This isn't a pitty me post, by no means...because right now I am OK with it. I don't have many "friends". I have people on message boards, people's who blogs I read, and who read my blog, and people I go to school with.

Each group have their own connection with me. Some are mother's with children the same age as my daughter, some who have a connection of single parenthood, and some who go through the hell we call nursing school, and that is it. I have yet to find someone who I can just bitch to, be bitched at, cry on a shoulder, have someone cry on my shoulder, laugh at the stupid things, cry at the stupid things, call when I wanna chat, be called when they need an ear.

So I looked inside myself and tried to figure this out. The first thing is that you must reach out to find friends. I have done this, and apparently have not done it very well. I gave up. I tried to be a friend...the people I go to school with, 90% of them are much younger than me..and often talk about things going on in their life. I give my opinion using my wisdom of age(oh that sucks to even think that way..but it is true). Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not candy coat it. I say what I think, what I feel, or what I have experienced. Maybe I should just say whatever that person thinks I should say??? Maybe that is a mistake.

I try to define friendship...I mean true friendship...and maybe I am being too hard on what I consider a friend. I mean if there was a real serious crisis in my life, I know there are several people I could call...but I could just not call these people because I was frustrated with Sunrise and need a mommy minute with another adult.

Maybe this is what friendship is when you get to <ahem> middle age(ok..not quite there..but working on it).

I have no friends from high school(except those that found me on facebook..and those aren't really even friends)...or college for that matter (the first two times through)...

My phone NEVER rings unless someone wants to help me with a mortgage problem(when I don't even have a mortgage), or it's truck driver who is checking in(yeah he is a friend..but there are too many strings attached to that friendship)...and I think that is what I miss most. I want someone to call me to just say.."Hey..what's up? Let me tell you about my day."

I also wonder if it isn't because I have experienced more in my life than the average person? When someone says that they are going through a bad time with a roommate...yep..been there, let me tell you how it happened to me, and how I resolved it. Or when someone says...I am always having car troubles, hmmm yep...went through4 cars in 2 years...been there....or other sordid details(and more horrific) of my crazy freaking life. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut as to what I have gone through and pretend I never have been through it?

Maybe I am trying to connect with the wrong type of people? The younger ones, appear to not look at me as a possible friend, but as someone who takes a class with them who is old. Yes...I am old...at least compared to them. There is one or two who I look at like I want them to be like a little sister to me. I want to take them under my wing and protect them, but they don't need protection, I just need a friend.

Or maybe...it isn't the fact that I am not friendship material, but just not to the people in my contact.

I don't know..these things I am going to have to ponder and figure out what I need to do to become more friendship material......

Geologists????

2009-02-20T20:48:00.001-05:00

A few months ago I had a few chats with this moron.

He was obviously trying to scam me..Tonight I got a pm from some guy who seems a little odd...something didnt seem right. Then it hit me...he too is a "geologist". Why is it that scammers are geologists? I guess that is because then they have an excuse to be out of the country and need money to get back.

How much you wanna bet he will ask for money before the end of this weekend? Oh I can't wait to screw with his tiny brain :) He just doesn't know who he is fucking with :)

I'll post the convo when it happens ;)

Repost of my domestic violence story

2009-02-16T22:08:00.002-05:00

On Wednesday I will be a guest on the Cocktail Cafe show on the blog talk radio. The subject will be on domestic violence. Since my readership has increased since the first time I posted this by quite a bit, I thought it would be good repost it in case it can help someone else. Join us on Wednesday night at 9PM est.

By the way there is a surprising update to the story in italics about half way down too. (actually I guess I shouldn't have been surprised)

Many or all of you do not know my history. But I have experience in domestic violence. I want to tell you a story of what happened to me, or at least the Reader's Digest version. I want to do this, because I hope to give someone courage to leave a domestic violent situation...and that no matter what they can do it.

This is going to be a long one!

I met my ex husband in April of 1999. He was the most attentive, wonderful, caring man I had ever met! I thought he was the man of my dreams. He loved my family..my family loved him! He had custody of his 4 kids because he told me that he rescued them from an abusive mother. Little did I know, he was the abusive one. She may have been abusive to the kids, I dont know, and will never know.

I saw the signs early, but didnt realize they were signs.

First, was his controlling behaviour. At the time I was living in Michigan...and he was in Ohio(where I am from). Often we would keep in contact online during the week and I would travel to Ohio on the weekend to spend it with him and his family. We were talking in a chat room with some of my other friends. I said something that upset him..and he got very snappy with me in the chat room. My girlfriend Karen said something to him about it and he told her to mind her own business. From that day on...I was not allowed to be friends with Karen.

One morning I woke up and checked my voicemail. He left me a message, a very angry one. He wanted to know where I was, and who I was with. When I talked to him later in the morning, he could not believe that when he called me I did not hear the phone ringing while I slept. Shortly after he asked me to move in. I am thinking, so he could keep an eye on me.

For the 5 months or so...things got worse by the day. I would get yelled at for nothing. I would have to stay up late with him because I wasnt allowed to go to bed without him...then I would have to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school. I would lay on the couch, and he would throw a fit. I was to come back to bed and rub either his back or feet. I was not allowed to fall back asleep. He would fall back asleep and if he woke up and I wasnt rubbing...Id get nudge to keep it up. He didnt work...well for very long anyways, which is whole other story. He was always looking for ways to scam the system. He eventually had an accident at work, that he was collecting workmans comp for. He supposedly hurt his back, but it never kept him from picking me up and throwing me against the wall or on the bed eventually.

The first time something physical happened...was totally bizarre. We got into an argument. I decided I needed a break. I went and got my coat on and was going to go for a drive. He pinned me up against the counter and wouldnt let me move or leave. Being that I felt trapped, I smacked him across the face. (which later Battered Women Services told me that this was a normal response). All hell broke loose after that. Without getting into the play by play...I was thrown against the wall, choked, thrown to the floor and smacked in the mouth(leaving a fat lip).

The worse beating I ever got was when I got smart with him. He grabbed me...threw me to the floor grabbed the front of my hair and started banging my head into the floor, he then picked me up and threw me on the bed, straddled my body(he was estimated to be around 350 lbs then)holding down my arms with his knees and punched me in the left eye. My eye was swollen shut for 4 days..and black and blue for 2 weeks.

The beatings were bad...but the name calling killed me more than that. There were times he would get in my face, yell at me, call me names...and in my mind I was begging him to just hit me and get it over with. I later found out that for most abused women...they feel the same things.

I left him 4 times before I left for good. There is a statistic that an abused woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. There was a cop that worked for my dad as a side job...he told me this and then he said to me "Dawn...dont make the average..". That will always stay in my mind.

Twice I stayed at the Battered Woman's Shelter...that was the most humbling experience in my life. Sure there were women there that really abused the system..but there were some there that just tore my heart strings. It wasnt the best of places to live...but it was such a relief to know that I wasnt going to be called names, or beaten. I learned alot in the shelter and it was the best thing I had ever done.

One thing I must say...the most dangerous time for a woman is after leaving an abuser. This is why it is important to go somewhere that an abuser doesnt know...such as a friends that the abuser doesnt know where they live, or a shelter. I found this out the hard way.

My ex still tried to court me after the last time I left him. He would ask me to meet him for dinner so I could sign a paper, or talk. I was stupid and did. He didnt do anything in these meetings, but what happened after I stopped them...is when things went bad.

Mother's Day 2002 he showed up at my parents where I was staying...and he had the kids. It was around 11PM! The kids brought me mother's day cards. Each which said that they missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home. That night..he stayed in the car while the kids gave me the cards and I gave each of them a hug. They went back to the car, and ex said he forgot to give them some mail I needed. So he got out of the car and came to the door. After the kids were out of ear shot...I gave him an ear full. I told him that I was really angry that he had sunk to a new low..and that I was filing for a divorce as soon as possible. It was over. He told me he was in counseling...blah blah blah. I told him to leave and walked in the house and shut the door in his face.

2 months later...I had started dating a wonderful guy. We had been dating a month. We went to a wedding and went to the bar. We came home and went into my room. It was July so the window was open. First, him and I had never had sex. We fooled around, but never did anything that could be called sex. I had a few to drink, so I was a little on the ummm horny side. I took off my dress and bent over and kissed him. Outside my bedroom window came my ex's voice "That is my wife you are fucking". My then boyfriend turned to the window and said, "what are you going to do about it". My ex said "Im going to fucking kill you.", he then punched through the window with what we think was a box cutter. Needless to say...911 was called and about 10 cop cars later.. they couldnt find him, because I did not know he had a new car.

2003 he finally turned himself in. He was found guilty of criminal damaging and menacing. He appealed and lost. He is still wanted, because he failed to show for sentencing.(His original sentence was 90 days, 60 days suspended with 30 served under house arrest. The 60 days were suspended as long as he had no contact with me or my then boyfriend. Oh btw..they tried to plea bargin with him..and the only reason he wouldnt take the plea was because he didnt want to pay for the screen and he didnt want the no contact stipulation.(How smart was he?LOL)

While he was in court for the charges, he was served with a temporary protection order...I had tried to get a protection order a few times, but he dodged service(answering the door and saying he was his cousin..and that he was in another state, etc.). With CPOs, if the person is not served...it is not in effect. Boy was he ticked that he got served! Later that year...I got my divorce finally(he dodged that service too), and the CPO hearing. He was going to fight the CPO but something happened on the way into the court room. His lawyer pulled him aside...they came in and said that they agreed to it. My attorney thinks that his lawyer said that he would not represent him in the appeal unless he agreed. This was the last time I saw him..

I still look over my shoulder, or if Im outside at my house and hear a sound in the woods, I still get scared. I worry Im going to run into him..but thankfully never have.

A leapord doesnt change his spots..and this is proof. During all these court hearings...he kept talking about his fiancee. I think to make me jealous...didnt work. I felt sorry for her.... About two months after all this ended...I was looking up stuff on the court site to see what was going on with him...She had filed a CPO against him too.

All this comes to head because..she contacted me. Turns out..he beat her too. She also told me that they were never engaged(she has since married), in fact...she never loved him. We traded stories..and so much was similar..good thing for her..she got out when she did.

There is soooo much more to the abuse. Threats against me and my family if I left. There were letters he sent to my family filled with lies and half truths(he wrote in the letter to my sister that I said my dad was having an affair, and that I was a prostitute a few years before...He told her that I said my mom was a druggie and alcoholic and was doing all this while she was prego with me...you get the picture). I am currently working on a book to detail many of the other things. I am hoping to colaborate with the girl he dated after me.

UPDATE: 2008-I received a letter from yet another victim of my ex. She was unfortunate and married him after all too. Even more unfortunate they had a child together. He had the baby with him and was trying to convince the courts she was insane and incapable of raising a child. (He had made claims to everyone I knew that I was crazy, and had my psych convinced of this too..leading me to be on a ton of drugs. I have since been cleared by the psych to be compeletly and totally insane...though some of my friends might argue! LOL j/k). She was asking for my help. Since I now have a daughter, I was afraid that would put her in harms way. The only help I could offer her was emotional support, and anything in regards to courts, I could not do unless it was done anon. I have not heard from her since)

Ok...I hope you have gotten this far if you need to(if you dont need to..thanks for reading my ramblings). If you needed to read this..I wrote this because I want those of you to know that are in this situation...you can get out! They do not change. I know. I went back 3 times because he said he had changed.

If he has you feeling trapped because of money or transportation...there are ways around that. You can do it without him. He will not be the charming, loving guy you met...no matter how much you wish he will.

Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Please read this on their website about using the computer to look for helphttp://www.ndvh.org/help/warning.html. (I had used the library computer a few times)

You dont deserve to be abused. Whether it be physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Please make the call and be safe. If you have kids..dont let them grow up seeing this going on. Statistics show that they will likely grow up to be abusers, or be abused..because that is what they think is the "norm".

If nothing else..I hope I have helped at least one person

Mother Warriors

2009-02-15T23:12:00.003-05:00

Recently I watched an Oprah show that was about Jenny McCarthy's book about her son who had autism. Jenny talked about Mother warriors. One thing that Jenny had mentioned that she not only talks about warrior mom with kids with autism, but single mom's, mom's with certain struggles, etc....

Jenny was VERY powerful, and I hope that one day I will be able to read her book. I really never knew much about her because to be honest, I never paid attention to her when she was acting and such. But I sat just absolutely awwstruck while I watched her on Oprah. She is a very strong woman and very real it seems. She is now my most favorite single mom in the world.(Though she does have an amazing man beside her, Jim Carrey).

Jim came out towards the end of the show and I saw a whole new side of him. I have always loved Jim Carrey, and loved watching him in interviews. He would be all over the place and loved when he would catch the interviewer off guard. But this interview gave me a huge all new respect for him in many ways.

I have to respect him because he was willing to stick to it when Jenny's son was uncapable of showing him the attention that he loves. He was willing to stay beside Jenny even though he is not the boys father...it would have to be hard. But the things he had to say about one lady that was on the show, about Jenny and about other mother warriors just made me realize how real he is.

He said that he knew right in the beginning even with Evan's autism that they were meant to be together. Whenever he'd ask himself something the answer was always yes..and he knew that meant it was right. "Do I want to see her tomorrow?" yes, "Do I enjoy being with her?" yes....The love he has in his eyes for Jenny and Evan is so apparant that it brought tears to my eyes. He also talked about how single mom's often limit the universe by saying things like "There are no good men left", "There is noone right for me", etc...The universe that created the starts and plants the world, and us...Can not be limited. How freaking cool is that?

So..if I could say anything to Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey, I would say..Thank you for sharing your strength and your love for each other...and giving us mother warriors hope for a good life.

Just for a little while.....

2009-02-14T19:56:00.004-05:00

There is only one person that reads my blog that I know IRL. She is a schoolmate that I forgot that was on my twitter account. I THINK she would be shocked at what I am about to write...and I know most people who know me IRL, would be shocked...

I'm down..this has been going on for a few weeks..I think most of it is the stress from school, plus I keep digging myself a deeper hole by becoming apathetic because the stress is becoming more than I can handle it seems. I hide my depression real well around others, and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't want others to feel sorry for me..but I feel like I'm ready to crack.

Amazingly, I feel nothing about the fact that I am single on Valentine's day. I really don't care that I am single...except for the fact I need held. I need my hair stroked while I cry into a sympathetic shoulder. I need someone to listen while I whine about everything that is getting me down, school, money, single mommyhood, a child who is becoming more and more defiant, and not to mention that I am mourning my childhood.

Childhood should have been happy, but for me it was very traumatizing and sad. I started downloading 80s hair band music...and amazingly that has seemed to make this depression worse.

So just for a little while, I would like to have someone to wrap his arms around me and do all that I mentioned. I only have one real true friend IRL. Yeah, I have some people in my life that I talk to every day (basically at school), but none of them can really relate to my whole situation, not to mention that I just don't think they will get it. The least of my stressors is the mommy thing, and those that do have kids or are single moms..yeah they can relate to that..but there is so much more.

I so want to call Harry and ask him to come hang out with me tonight while I cry. He is the only person in the world that I could trust yet not to expect something, or make things more complicated. Despite what he revealed to me in my Harry and Shirley post, he is certainly a true friend and someone I can depend on. In fact, he called me last night and we talked for a few hours. He straight up told me that even since I do not want to engage in the whole thing with him and Shirley, he is my friend..and will be there for me no matter what. Yeah he wants more, but he can understand and he wants to be there for me as a friend only if that is the way it is. I just can't call him, because he is probably spending Vday with Shirley, second, I have a hard time opening up to others (the blog is different, because most of you I will not ever meet, heck maybe none of you), and finally, I don't trust myself. I am depressed and I may do something I would regret with him. So instead I will sit here tonight study(or attempt to..)play games or cry.

To everyone else...happy valentine's day. May your year be full of love.

Dear Wilma (Commenter)

2009-02-10T13:25:00.001-05:00

I received a comment back on February 2 that I did not see because Haloscan has not been nice to me lately and tells me when I receive comments, so I am a little slow about responding but I wanted to respond to this one.

I wrote a post awhile back about the Top Reasons It's Hard Being a Single Mom. And Wilma responded to it by saying the following:

"What are you complaining about? Sounds like you have it pretty easy. Try being a single mom of 2, working full-time and not being able to go back to school because you can't afford to go part-time or quit your job in order to take classes. I have no help, my mother has been dead 10+ years, siblings live out-of-state, children's father live out-of-state and my father is too sick to even care for himself. There is no "alone or down time" and forget a "night out", what's that? You should appreciate your situation and the help your mother gives you, there are a lot harder lives out there than yours, try mine!"

MY RESPONSE:

Wilma, I am sorry you have it so hard. It sucks that things are not what you want them to be, and I respect your wanting to give me your opinion, just as I should be respected for my opinion. Yes I have been blessed with a family that helps out, and I am very thankful for that, but it doesn't take away fromt he fact that it is still hard. My blog is from my viewpoint, not yours, Steve, Mary's, or George's. I can only write about what *I* know.

To address a few things...I have only had a night out 8 times since Sunrise has been born, and 3 times in the last 2 years. So I don't take pitty on you for not having nights out. Yes my mom does help out, and yes I am very thankful for her, but she does not help out as much as one thinks. She works many hours in order to keep health insurance for her and my father. My father has heart problems and is a business owner, so to have insurance that he purchases would be outlandish. I only ask my mom for things when I no longer have any alternatives.

As far as school goes, anyone can go back to school, it is just a matter of finding a way to do it. That excuse does not wash for me. When I graduate and start working full time, I will be going back to school to further my education. At that time, I will not be having as much assistance from my family as I do...but I know it can be done. I challenge you to try and find the resources to do so.

I am sorry that you are bitter towards me because you think I have it so good...but you are mistaken in thinking just how good I have it. I never stated I have it harder than anyone else...what I did say is that it is hard, and any single parent that reads my blog will agree. It maybe hard for me in one aspect, but easy for someone else in another aspect...ask any of my single blogging friends, I am sure they will agree. In fact, I am sure this will elicit comments from my blogging friends to state just how they have it difficult too.

I wish you luck in finding happiness. I hope that this bitterness that you hold against those who have it "easier" will be lifted. Walk a mile in my shoes, then you can criticize me...I don't criticize you because your shoes are apparently to small for me to walk in.

Oh yeah...and check out why I love being a Mom...I don't always complain.

Good Luck

Dawn

"Excuse me sir...but where is UP??"

2009-02-09T18:52:00.002-05:00

That is what I feel like lately. I feel like I am slipping into depression again, and I know the reasons, but unfortunatly for me, depression is a vicious cycle.

My depression is not what people who have never experienced depression THINK that it is. My depression is characterized simply by the loss of desire to do ANYTHING. Which really sucks when you are in nursing school. Let me tell you.

My depression also is characterized by easily overwhelmed. Take for instance, today, I came home from open lab, with complete plans to study for the rest of the day. No go...I laid on the couch and fell asleep to endless episodes of Max & Ruby, Blue's Clues, Little Bill, and Pinky Dinky Doo...(have I said lately how much I love my cable??)

So at one point, I decided it was time to crawl off the sofa and sit at the computer and start to go through my reader to check out what everyone has been doing in their lives since I have gone into this depression......only to find well over 1,500 posts that I have not read!! HOW THE HELL????? I check the date...and there staring me in the face was the last date that I read blogs...January 24th....JANUARY 24th...DID YOU SEE THAT??? That is over 2 weeks of not reading blogs...So I read through all my single mom blogs haphhazardly...and decided I really needed to do something about this.

So...I am going to have to do a catagory a day, plus writing more, and studying...I need to carve this time out for myself.

Since the whole Harry and Shirley thing...I am like....REALLY horney...Damnit! How does one get over that?? Sure I could call them...but not my bag of tea...so instead...I look to my dear old BOB. LOLOLOLOL

2 more weeks and the semester is over..and maybe then I can get my shit together and figure out what end is up......in the mean time....Could someone PLEASE point me the way???

To the person I was suppose to review

2009-02-08T11:52:00.002-05:00

There was a woman who I was suppose to review a program for her.

To her...I never gotten to review it because my computer broke. It is currently sitting in a heap on a chair awaiting a box to send back to the manufacturer. Unfortunatly, your program and worse, your email address is on that computer. I was hoping you would email me again so I can let you know but I think you must have given up on me. PLEASE email me again, so that I can get this done for you if you still want.

I apologize! I can't even boot up my laptop at this time, and I do not know if the manufacturer will fix the break either. Cross your fingers.

Dawn

Talk about catching you offguard...

2009-02-04T20:45:00.002-05:00

I have a very good friend who happens to be male. He is married, and I am friends with his wife as well, but more friends with him. Harry and I (mostly Harry) do what I thought was innocent flirting. His wife is 9 times out of 10 in the same room as him when we talk on the phone, and she jokes as well.

The other day Harry called me and we talked. Since my days are filled with books, clinicals, Sunrise, and more books...I have "neglected" my friendship with him and he is ok with that. Especially since he knows that I am trying to make a life for my daughter and I. So as we caught up on the last few weeks...Somehow we came upon the subject of our flirting. This was all in light reference as it usually is. Of course, Shirley was laying on the couch beside him, and somewhere in this conversation fell asleep.

As we talked, he confessed to me that him and Shirley have an "open" marriage. Well partially open, because Shirley has no interest in dating other men, but Harry certainly likes to date other women. So then I became suspicous of our innocent flirting.

He must have been able to hear it in my voice, because he said "Don't worry...Shirley says you are off limits". I thought to myself, "OFFLIMITS???" What the hell?? Why would I be off limits?? It wasn't that I was interested in being involved with Harry, but my feelings were hurt. I mean really....Why would my friend Shirley say I was off limits...Really? Am I that bad of a person??? When I asked Harry why I was "off limits" it all became quite clear.

"Well, Shirley considers us three as friends" Harry said. "Well yeah, we are friends..." I stated still trying to figure out what the hell I did to be off limits. With emphasis in his voice he says "No Dawn... that isn't all...". Ohhh this has got to be good...since I am over here devistated that I am not an imaginary option to my friends open marriage....."Dawn, Shirley would be jealous". "Ummm hello?? She'd be jealous of me but not the other women you date??"...Then it hit me like a bag of rocks to the face...."Not jealous that I was with you, but that you were with me." Yes...my dear readers....My friend's wife, does not want me sleeping with her husband, because SHE wants to sleep with me....

THUD

Why do they think you want to be friends?

2009-02-01T01:38:00.002-05:00

I wrote about an exboyfriend in one of my domestic violence posts. He was the guy that my exhusband had threaten to kill when he broke through the screen at my house.

He had broke up with me the day after, but he said it wasn't because of the incident...which I know part of it had to be. He was a great guy, and the only guy in my life who after he broke up with me, I didn't have mean feelings toward. I still get butterflies and miss him terribly. Why is it that it still hurts? I mean it has been 6 years since we dated, and to see him or hear from him still hurts.

He has become friends with a family member of mine. She let me know over the summer that he got married. I was heartbroken, but why? My god it has been 6 years!

He found me on facebook and sent me an email. I have been teetering back and forth on whether to respond. After he sent me the email, and I never responded he sent me a "poke". Now I sit here debating on whether I should answer. I don't want to, but I feel I should.

For several years after he broke up with me, he would on occassion message me. Which was hard, but he made especially harder by telling me how awesome of a person I was and that some guy will be happy with me, and that he can't believe I'm still single. Conversation usually ended up by telling me that he was sorry he hurt me, that it was all him, and blah blah blah. This would make me cry every time. After not hearing from him for so long, I finally was able to go on...or so I thought. Until my family member told me about his marriage. Then that led to several days of morning that relationship. Now for the record...I wasnt devestated about it...I just wished I was the one he was married to.

So tell me...have you ever been unable to let go of feelings you once had for someone for 6 years or more? And also, would you email him back? I'm in need of opinions. Please help!

Catch me on a webradio show TONIGHT~

2009-01-28T20:23:00.002-05:00

If you can't make it tonight, you can listen at a later time.

I will be "appearing" on The Cocktail Cafe show. The show is about mother's, and I will be presenting my point of view, especially in light of what that Ann Coulter had said about single mom's.

There are a couple other moms on the show, and I think this program is a really great program. I look forward to doing it, and listening. So check it out at The Cocktail Cafe Show. At 9:30 EST.

Ohhhh....Short SHORT catch up

2009-01-21T17:23:00.001-05:00

Hey all...

First I want to say, I have the greatest of readers! You all are so very much special. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts to my clinical post, it made me feel ok. I spoke to the nursing director at school, and she said that many students come in to her after their first time in the nursing home in tears. I felt so much better between you all and her.

Second, I see I have a new reader :) Welcome to my blog (or maybe you commented a long time ago?) Anyways, I will be checking out your blog and I am excited to read all about you!

Ms. Single Mamma...Yep it is when I close out the blog that I get that error. I thought it was just you at first...but then it did it on mine to! LOL (Ok..not YOU but your blog and some coding that wasnt agreeing with my computer) I will check out chrome when I get a few minutes! (keyword being WHEN...LOL) One day we will have to take the kids out for a play date! (They are so close in age!) Maybe during spring break!

Third, I did go out with T...No spark...no nothing but it was good to see someone from highschool. I also think he is emotionally not available, so Im shying away from him. Ah well...I got a nice dinner from it. It was an early night with us, so I found an old friend from 4 years ago, she dragged me out to another bar to see a band...Oh man...what a night. LOL

And finally...School is in full swing again, and I'm filled up to here(imagine me extending my hand 5 feet above my head) with stuff to do. LOL

I read all blogs especially those that comment as often as I can, but just run out of time to comment. I will try to do it more often, but it will slow down my reading time. So if you get a comment from me on an old post....Forgive me :)

Ok I'm off to study for a test. I have 2 tests a week so I'm always studying for tests.

Thanks again for all your love!

Starting to doubt....

2009-01-18T20:23:00.001-05:00

whether nursing is for me.

Friday I had my first clinical in a nursing home. My patient has some dementia and hallucinations. I was so overwhelmed that all I could do was come home and cry.

Blog error experts needed...

2009-01-10T12:54:00.001-05:00

OK I am getting frustrated. Snow...I know you may know you techno genius! LOL

Everytime I close certain blogs (including my own and Ms Single Mamas), I get an error. (BTW for what it is worth...mine is on blogspot, and her's is on wordpress...so it isn't the host

The error looks like this:

An error has occurred in the script on this page.

Line: 53

Char: 3

Error: Object Required

Code: 0

URL: (whatever URL I am closing)

Do you want to continue running scripts on this page?

It doesn't matter if I click yes or no, I have to click it several times until the page closes. It keeps giving me the same error regardless of which blog I am looking at that has this error(except of course the URL part of it).

Anyone have a clue as to why??? I am beginning to really think about switching full time to Firefox...I am getting so sick of IE.

Ann Coulter..Kiss my....

2009-01-10T12:47:00.001-05:00

Fungus infected big toe!

Rachel Sarah of Single mom Seeking blogged about this on her blog, and also wrote a "letter" to Miss ~~Bitch~~ Coulter on Momlogic.

This really uncouth woman claims that all of society problems are due to single moms.

Ummm hello....Who just became the President of the United States?? The result of a single mom.

Instead of blaming single moms, shouldn't she blame society as a whole, possibly the government? IF IF IF IF the studies show that the majority of criminals are children of single moms, than that is because of how society and the government have abandoned many single moms who really try to make it?

I can't speak for all single moms, but I do attend nursing school with several single moms. All of us have decided to return to school and try very hard to make better lives for our children, so we don't have to end up in the bad part of town where the children run wild because their single mothers have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet.

I do not in anyway like the fact that I receive public assistance, but as soon as I graduate in December from nursing school...I am guaranteed to NEVER need public assistance again, unless for some odd reason the nursing profession is disintegrated, and I can can 99.99999999999% guarantee that this will not happen.

This "woman" (and I use that term loosely because to me she looks like a transgender male gone wrong) is the same woman who attacked the windows of 9/11. Granted she does get people talking, and I am sure that her controversial topics probably gets her books sold, but I am standing firm, that I will NOT ever purchase anything from her. I will not give her the satisfaction of my money. She needs to be kicked to the curb.

Ok...I am going back to my boring self now...but it got my blood boiling.

3 Miles....

2009-01-09T07:13:00.001-05:00

When you live in a suburb in the mid west, you never think things can happen so horrible and tragic. This morning on the news that I got to watch because I woke up before the alarm(yay me!), this news hit just too close to home.

About 3 miles from me in a little village in the center of our township, a man shot his wife. Not only shot his wife, he did this in front of his 4 year old, then held police at bay for 8 hours.

Apparently the parents were in an argument(according to neighbors this was not unusual). When neighbors heard what sounded like gun shots, they called the police. What happened then is that he murdered the mother of this child, all in front of their 4 year old. He held the 4 year old as hostage, before police finally stormed the house. They shot the guy in the head.

Fortunately, it doesn't appear as the child is hurt, but they haven't been very clear on his condition. However, the father is still alive in the hospital, condition unknown.

Why is it the innocent always end up murdered or having to live with these things permanently imbedded in their memory.

Please remember this precious child that he is not scarred by this too much in his life.

Hmmm a date???

2008-12-31T20:04:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I signed up on Facebook(hold on...Im getting "Green Puppy" licks from Sunrise...EWWWWWWWWWWWW)...And a few of my high school classmates have contacted me. I have been formulating in my mind a rant post about this because the people who have contacted me, really didn't know I was alive. I was kind of appalled that these people now want to be my "friend", when I wasn't cool enough for them in high school. (I know I know..."Dawn, when are you going to let this the fuck go???) I discussed this in therapy the other night, and my therapist and I have come to the conclusion I really DO need to let it go...with a few other thoughts that I am pondering.

Then the other night I ran into on there...hmmmm call him T. He was a guy I knew in school, I thought he wasn't bad back then, but since I was the social outcast in school, I am sure that he really didn't have any thought of me. Well I found him Monday night, and sent me an email right away to say hi. I responded, but I had a funny feeling, that seemed to happen tonight. He asked me if I would go like to go to dinner or for drinks. He was staying home tonight, and gave me his number to give him a call.

Wouldn't that be strange, if I did go out with him, and we hit it off, and stuff like that. Wouldn't that be one of those things you see on television. I can just see it...On Ellen or Oprah...."Reunion after 20 years and now it's love". I know that is jumping the gun...but wouldn't that a trip?

Ehh well...I am still on the whole I don't know if I really wanna date mode, between school and Sunrise, I really don't have time, but...Who knows, maybe I will change my mind.

My new favorite show...

2008-12-31T16:01:00.001-05:00

Ok...not NEW favorite show, but I came across this clip and it reminded me how much I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE Big Bang Theory. If you haven't seen it...check it out.

This clip is the funniest I think, but you almost have to understand the show to really find it as funny as I do.

Let me set it up for you....Sheldon has a secret from Leonard about Leonard's love interest. Sheldon was having problems keeping the secret so he "moved out". Each of the 2 friends that took him in, had a hard time dealing with his eccentric personality, and well...check this out...

<a href="http://www.joost.com/094ea7n/t/The-Big-Bang-Theory-Sheldon-On-Valium">The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon On Valium</a>

Hmmmm...where have all my readers gone.

2008-12-31T06:06:00.001-05:00

I used to have many comments, and suddenly, one or two here. Either you all are busy with the holidays, or I am one boring writer.

You all have to be busy with the holidays...because I KNOW it's not me! LOL

New Years....what will you do?

2008-12-31T06:04:00.001-05:00

I, will be staying home, and probably sleeping at the stroke of midnight. At least I hope so, because ANOTHER night I have not slept has come and gone.

Last night...about 6 times, Sunrise came to me and said Mewwy kissmess mommy.... I looked at her and said "Sunrise, Merry Christmas, but it is over, and it only comes but once a year". She looked at me with ~~empty~~ blue eyes, and smiled. All I could think is, "Does she think Santa is coming every night of the year?" And then I thought "With her in my life, he does come every night of the year, because every day with her is a gift."

So what are you doing tonight??? If the roads aren't bad I'll go out and get some pork and kielbasa, and eat it at 8 oclock...and crash.

Merry Christmas...

2008-12-25T18:47:00.001-05:00

Tonight/Last night(after all it is 2:49 AM, and Santa just left) my sister and two nephews came over to open presents.

My brother, sister and I all decided not to buy Christmas presents for each other this year, it was just about the kids. Well...my brother renigged on that deal, and bought me some wonderful smelling Victoria Secrets body wash and lotion. I almost hate to use it because I don't go out much, and I know that stuff can be expensive.

My mom, bless her heart, is so creative. She gave each of a us box...when we opened it, there was a small present, a wrapped present that was marked "Place under the tree for tomorrow", and a little rhyme to send us to another location. At the next location, she had another wrapped gift, with the present and another for under the tree. This went on for about 6 presents. The last one was marked for us to stand to get our last present we had to sing a silly song, or rhyme. We all acted annoyed...but at least I thought it was very cute...I'm sure my brother and sister felt the same.

But you know what really was cute. Was the first thing Sunrise opened was a gift from her aunt. It was a coloring book. After opening it, she jumped up, got her markers and started coloring. We had to talk her into coming in and opening the rest of the presents from aunt and uncle. Ohhh how I wish the days of easy Christmas gifts stayed(and cheap), but I know it wont be but a few years when it will be more expensive gifts she wants. Sigh.

It has been a rough week. It all started Sunday night with Sunrise all of a sudden getting cranky, and tired. I took her into the shower with me, and she just wanted to be held. It took me a good while to convince her to get her pjs on and go lay down. She ended up having a fever. We had to force ibuprofen in her, in order to get it to drop. It eventually did. She woke up the next day like normal...went to school. And that night it was on again, same thing but add the vomitting. She woke up again on Tuesday...just fine...went to day care, and came home. Followed by another night of fever and vomitting, though it would turn out Christmas eve, it continued through the day. It wasnt until about 6:30 when cousin Trent and Jayden along with Aunt Jennie arrived did the vomitting stopped and we were able to open presents without problem. She also woke up Christmas morning and was fine. Hopefully it is over.

I got some money for Christmas which I am EXTREMELY grateful for...but the most important thing I got....was a passing grade! I am now going into my next semester as a nursing student.

It was terrible that I walked into that exam with an 88, and wasn't sure that I would pass still, because our exam was worth 50%. I hate the fact that one test could make or break you. Even taking the NCLEX you can retake it. But all is well...I passed.

But I wanted to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. As for me and my family, we are relaxing while Sunrise runs around and takes photos with her new Crayola Digital Camera.(Lots of pictures of the ceiling! LOL)

My dad....

2008-12-20T01:33:00.001-05:00

First off, I want to say that I am posting this because it is running through my head, and I am afraid if I don't put it in writing, I will forget some of the good things...and since I don't have a personal journal, I am putting it here.

Second, I do not want anyone to get a misconception about how I feel about my dad. I love my dad with all my heart, and am sooooo thankful for him helping me out when I really needed him, especially letting Sunrise and I live with them while I go back to school. But there are some things that really hurt me that I just need to get out.

When I was a young girl, probably until I was 10 or 11...most of my memories of my father were very good. Looking back now, it seemed like I was very important to him, and I was his everything. A few years ago, while talking to two of my aunts, I found out that that was the case. They told me that I could do nothing wrong in my dad's eyes. For the most part, looking back now...they are/were right.

When I was very young, some of my earliest memories were of how my dad would carry me into the house after I fell asleep in the car. I remember how I would fake being asleep just so he would carry me. I loved being held by my dad, it made me feel so safe, and so secure. It was so kind of him, to let me sleep...and though the one specific time I remember, I had to be only around 4 years old...but I remember it well. I remember around that same time, how I would wake up in the middle of the night and see monsters, and run to my parents bed and beg to sleep with them, and they would let me(I think they did...I just remember that the fear stopped as soon as I got to their bed).

When I was 5 we moved to a new house(it is what I called a shoebox now, because it was VERY tiny). Instead of my parents taking the larger bedroom...they gave me the larger bedroom until I was probably 8 or 9. I remember even at such a young age, that I was really proud of the fact that my parents entrusted the larger bedroom to me.

I remember up until I was around 12, going to Gold Circle with my dad to shop. He often would let me go play in the toys section while he went to the lunch counter to have coffee and smoke a cigarette. I would later come back and he would buy me a pop.

I remember going up to Perkins on top of the hill when I was still very young, especially the time when he joined Amway (which ended up being a joke, as you could guess) and he talked to me like I was a grown up, and explained to me how the program worked, and how he was going to make his millions. I didn't care about the money he was writing down on the napkin, all I cared about was that he was treating me like I was smart and an adult almost. I remember when he had drawn out plans for making our shoebox bigger, and how he was going to do it, and where my bedroom would be. I was so proud of his design and what his plans were.

When I was 9ish I joined the Parks baseball program. I remember being so proud of the fact that I was in fact using my dad's glove from his baseball playing days in highschool. I sucked at baseball...but it was something my dad enjoyed. He would go to the games, sometimes he would sub ump. He would help out the coaches during practice. But I also remember the first time(and only time)that I caught a fly ball. I was so excited to go back to the dug out and was waiting to see my dad's smile...and getting the pat on the back, but what awaited me was..."Good catch, but if you would have thrown it to second...you would have got a double"...I was devastated. Or when I was so proud to be picked for the Allstar team and after the game when I would brag to someone he jumped in and said that they had tried to give everyone a chance especially when it was their last year qualifying for the league.

I remember when he came to me after days of telling me that all the clothes he had in the car were going to the drycleaner, to tell me that he and my mom were separating. I remember how devastated I was. During their separation, our time together was so much more positive and wonderful. Like the time he took me to my first movie(Darbie O'gill and the little People..yep I remember the name of the movie). And then how he took me to the Woolworth's cafeteria for dinner. Then he told me I could get any record(a 45...actually...if you don't know what 45 was...dont ask, cuz then I will feel old! LOL)I wanted. The story records...with the book. I picked out the Frosty the Snowman one. Yes...I do remember.

I remember how when he moved back home how happy I was. Then, shortly after my sister was born, then came my brother. Suddenly he had to work all the time. I am sure that having a larger family now meant having to work more, and my time with my father was very limited...when he was home, my time had to be split between two little kids...but that was ok. Our trips out...became limited to none.

The next 8 years were very difficult for me. I no longer had my father around much because he was always working. When I did get to talk to him, he became very critical of me. Looking back, I know that he meant well...but damnit it hurt so bad! If I got a C, that wasn't good enough...if I got a B...why didn't you get an A....When our house got tp'd and egged when I was in 7 or 8th grade..it was my fault for having people that didn't like me. Needless to say this was the point where I started shut down.

Then, I didn't realize it, but he was like this with my mom too. I see it now, and mom and I discuss it often. At the time all I cared about was how it was effecting me.

This has even gone over into my adult life. When I left my first ex husband, the response from his was that he was disappointed in me that I left. He didn't care what had ended my marriage.

When I dated a guy for 8 months, and we broke up...he said I had let a good guy go. He didn't bother asking me why...because then he would have found out that he was cheating on me...several times with several women.

When I left my abusive second husband the first time, he told me that maybe I should go back, because maybe things were not as bad as I thought..after all I was sensitive. Boy did his opinion change after my second ex beat me up a few more times. In my eyes my dad failed me. He encouraged me to go back, just to get more abuse. Though I know now that I probably would have went back on my own anyways...but at the time, it didn't feel that way.

All through college this time, and the last time I went for a degree..I would come home after getting a good grade, and couldn't wait to tell him. It seems silly, but I so long for his approval. This is why I am such a perfectionist about my grades, and when I get an A- or lower...I get disappointed in myself. I do blame him, but I know that I need to stop that and blame myself. I need to quit being such the perfectionist and just do my best.

I know my thoughts on our past is probably skewed because of how sensitive I was then...but just one time when I say "Hey dad I got an 89 on this test", instead of hearing "Well you just missed an A, eh?", I'd hear...well if you tried your best, that is all you can do, good job. I so fear failing a class in school, because I don't want to disappoint him. That is just so wrong of me, but I can't seem to shake that feeling.

My mom and I both talk on numerous occasions on how nothing seems to please my dad. Not just with me, but with her also. Yet, my brother can do no wrong. Not too long ago, he accused me of making 20 dollars worth of long distance phone calls. When I argued with him, that I did not...it had to be my brother, he insisted that it wasn't him. I explained (and I guess him and my mom argued about this the night before) that if I were to make a long distance phone call...I would use my cell phone, because it was free. It wasn't until later that night when my brother came home, that it was settled that my brother had made the calls. That hurts. He doesn't trust me, yet I have not been arrested for DUI, quit jobs because I just don't like them, or anything like that, outside of having a child out of wedlock.

But I know...that he puts a roof over our heads, he got me a car to get from home to school, he loves Sunrise, and I do know he cares. I know that in his own twisted way, he is trying to encourage me to do better in life. To correct my life and make things better for myself and Sunrise...but it is twisted.

I just wish, in some way...that I could see the emotional love....not just the things that he does for us. I do not remember the last time he has been in the room long enough to give me a hug or a kiss on a cheek....or say "HEY good job". I could instigate the hug or kiss, but I quit doing that, because everyone doesn't want to do that all the time, with it not returned. Yeah...before we hang up...we say I love you...but sometimes the words are so empty, and just seem like they are required by him. But with every cell in my body...I do mean it.

DUH

2008-12-19T15:49:00.001-05:00

My previous post should read More Apologies...Not more Apologizes...Im such a dork. LOL

I could just go fix it..but that means I wouldnt have one extra post today :)

More apologizes

2008-12-19T14:31:00.001-05:00

I am kinda away this last week and this weekend. I have finals Monday and Tuesday, and with one of my finals worth 50% of my grade, I must study.

But I am doing well so far, so hopefully it rubs off onto my exams!

Do movies ruin it?

2008-12-13T15:02:00.001-05:00

I mean ruin it for men wanting to date women? I'm not talking about sitting in the theater cozying(is that a word) up with each other watching a good flick.

I was watching P.S. I love you the other night, and I couldn't help but to think about any guy that I date in the future. Will I hold him up to standards that the movies show?

The men (I say men...because <gasp> Jeffery Dean Morgan made my tummy flutter!) were some of the most romantic men I have ever seen. I know they are characters, but they made me wanting a man just like them. Yet, I know that that is a strong order to place to the gods of love.

So tell me...Do you think that movies can impose higher values on men then what is possible?

By the way...my posting is going to be limited over the next couple weeks. Finals are on the way!

Just because...

2008-12-06T13:39:00.001-05:00

My latest 4 posts were a little off the wall. This was due to the lack of sleep. You maybe happy to know, that I slept a good 12 hours last night, plus a couple of hours before that while Grandma watched Sunrise.

So I figured I would just post this, because I am proud of this photo...which doesn't happen often with photos that have me in it.

I need your help...

2008-12-05T08:27:00.001-05:00

Ok, as you can tell by my previous posts...obviously I had sleep issues that even Vicodin didn't help(even though it was for a different reason).

I have been up 24 hours now officially...Last night my mind was going over school work, running through things I need to memorize, etc...etc... I tried everything to get my mind to stop running, but could not do it! This has been going on for awhile. Most nights I can get to sleep...but some nights, I can not get my mind to stop. I have tried everything! Cutting out caffeine after a certain time, baths, reading, EVERYTHING..nothing is working. I am EXHAUSTED...but I could not fall asleep. And now I have to go to school in a little bit, so I wont be able to even to try to sleep until after 5.

I decided last night, that I am HAVE to look for some medical intervention now. So I am reaching out to any of you that can help. Have you tried valium? anything? What could I talk to my doctor about that you have tried that helps you relax when you need to.

I do not want sleeping pills because when I tried them years ago, they made me sleep too hard...I want to be able to be waken if I need to with Sunrise. I know I could sleep if I could JUST fall asleep. I just need something to relax.

So..any suggestions???

Thinking Like a nurse...

2008-12-05T02:44:00.001-05:00

(Please forgive this and the other following posts I post tonight..they maybe long winded, because I am sitting here high on Vicodin for a bad toothache I have...)

Tonight, I am sitting here with a bad toothache and a ton of things running through my mind, hence to more than one post ~~today~~ this early morning.

One thing that is coming to my mind is my fellow students. I feel bad for most of them. They are having a very hard time with our nursing class. Half of them received interim reports stating that they are failing our class. Yes...50% of them. It isn't hard to fail the class, because a 76% is failing for the nursing classes. I feel bad for them, but I am relieved that I am not one of them. We have had 3 quizzes and so far I have received an 88, 90 and a 90. I do not know how I do it, but I do. I'm very good at critical thinking, which is very important for nurses to have. I may not completely know the answer to the questions, but I have a keen ability of deductive reasoning..and I can see both sides of every answer to figure out which one it is...I invited one of my classmates over for a study session this weekend to try and help her out. I need to get even better scores on the last 2 quizzes because our final, is worth 50% of our grade! I need that padding, so I won't be too stressed taking the final. I am going to prepare hard for it, but I am afraid stress will make me both cranky/angry, depressed, and I am afraid I will blank out if I stress too much.

Anyways..So tonight after Sunrise finally went to sleep...My toothache kicked in, I took Vicodin and for some reason I can not sleep. So I pulled out ~~a good novel~~ my drug guide...and started reading about every drug I have taken, Sunrise has taken, or that is on the list of things to try, which was sad in itself...but do you know what is worse?? I ENJOYED IT! LOL I mean really...who reads a drug guide to try and fall asleep?? Now I am getting ready to watch videos on some procedures we have to do in lab tomorrow. Yes, I am going to watch a video on how to give a bed bath. LOL Earlier...I watched the videos on how to do catheters..and it was completely for education purpose, not to take a peek at a penis, which it has been a while since I have seen. (UGH and it is driving me freaking CRAZY! LOL)

Well..I think I am going to read a blog or two, maybe read some nursing boards, and watch some procedures. Wow I am pathetic! LOL

Kids are so resilient...

2008-12-05T02:21:00.001-05:00

(Please forgive this and the other following posts I post tonight..they maybe long winded, because I am sitting here high on Vicodin for a bad toothache I have...)

As I sit here looking at my beautiful angel sleeping beside me...my mind goes to something that happened Tuesday night, it wasn't a big thing, but for some reason it is sticking in my head...

Lately, Sunrise has been fighting the whole bedtime thing. It's worse when I am trying to study, because not only has she been fighting bedtime, she has been going through a needy stage. Not a stage of whiny crying needy...just that she wants my attention. It just breaks my heart, because at almost 3, she is unable to get that my studying is very important for us. I hate it as much as she hates me doing it, but I know I must, but she just doesn't get it. At 3, I can not blame her. She wants to be held...played with...talked to.

Don't think she is being neglected, because believe me she is not. In fact, I have been postponing studying as much as I can because I am a procrastinator, and would rather be studying, so I find anything and everything that I can do with her to make excuses for not studying.(Thankfully my grades have not suffered, see my next post)

I regress...so Tuesday night, I was studying for my nursing class..trying to get prepared for a test. These nursing tests are very important(again, see the next post). I need to pass these tests(which is a 76% or higher in nursing classes, and they are NOT easy). Sunrise kept coming up to me...playing with my toes, wanting to be held, then when I put her to bed..she kept coming out to talk to me. This all ended up with her dragging "blankie" and "blanket" and pillow with her(blankie is her treasured blanket that she received as a gift when she was born from the company I was working at, blanket is the Care Bears blanket she loves too..too cute how kids come up with names). She lays them out on the floor and proceeds to play with her baby, asking me to play with her. I finally gave up on studying (this was at 12:30 AM) and brought her into the bedroom and bed with me. I tried to wind down while watching some of my DVRd shows..and she continued to play. She eventually got mad at me when I would make her lay down, and started to cry and scream. I kept trying to hold her to calm her down, and finally she fell asleep.

It was 2 AM before she fell asleep, and 3 before I did. Mind you I had to be out the door at 7:00. She woke up Wednesday morning and fought me tooth and nail to stay asleep. We finally rushed out the door(still fighting with me) at 7:15. I got to daycare and told them how late she was up and apologized for her mood today. She would be fine after a nap. I picked her up, and it was as if nothing happened.

This all got me thinking and about us adults. Why are we not so resilient? Why do we hold onto pain and hurt for many years?? An almost 3 year old forgets in less than 24 hours anger and hurt....where as it can take 24 years to get over pain and anger.

Some People....

2008-12-03T19:34:00.001-05:00

Ok..so 2 things happened this week that involved the police that made me think, "What the hell were these morons thinking???"

First, this past week...I heard on the news that some guy was robbed of $110, and his car. He was beaten up in the process. How horrible right??? Well...when asked why he was where he was when this happened...he told the police that he was there to buy pot. Ummmm hello????? Is it me, or is this guy stupid. I am not crazy about drugs, I do not do them, but really...if you are going to call the cops about someth

Technorati Tags: stupid criminals

ing like this...you could at least lie about what you are there for. LOL

Second...last night the police arrested a 19 year old for breaking into cars and stealing things like GPS's, radios, and other stuff...How they caught him??? They followed his foot prints in the snow. WHAT THE HELL??? DUH

Happy Thanksgiving...

2008-11-27T18:25:00.001-05:00

To those in the states, and those that are not(you need a day to celebrate something too...right?).

This is what I am thankful for....

and I am thankful for each of you....

OH YEAH...and I am thankful for the 90% on my test yesterday!

True Beauty...New Show

2008-11-23T19:48:00.001-05:00

I just saw the commercial for the new show called True Beauty. This is coming from Ashton Kutcher, which kinda makes me chuckle, I don't know why.

I find this hilarious because the contestants are being judged on the inside and outside beauty...but the contestants are not aware about the fact that they are being judged for the inside too.

I find this a great concept, and kinda makes me feel better being the ugly duckling my whole life.

For the record...

2008-11-20T12:52:00.001-05:00

The test that I thought I failed yesterday, I got an 82. <sigh> But I'm still not happy. Though the average was a 77. I am relieved that I didn't fail it....but....

My therapist will be disappointed in me. I am such a perfectionist in some things(like my grades), that it sometimes brings me down if I dont meet my own expectations I know that 82 is good(even though a 76 would be failing because that is how nursing school works usually...lol)but it is just not good enough.

Of course, this comes from my dad. For example...a test I had last semester, he asked what I got...and I said...87 and his response was....Ohhhhh you just missed it.

Seven

2008-11-19T21:15:00.001-05:00

Snow did a modified meme...so I decided to do it. Loved her answers!

7 things I plan to do before I die

1. Go to Disneyworld

2. Go on a cruise.

3. Graduate from nursing school(though I am beginning to believe it might kill me in the process)

4. Be 100% independent after number 3

5. Move somewhere warmer! Maybe N. Carolina?

6. Fall in love again....(I got time right? Oh yeah..that is if Nursing school doesn't kill me).

7. Buy a brand new car!

7 things I do now

1. Study.

2. Sleep

3. Play with Sunrise.

4. Eat a little

5.Study

6. Sleep

7. Did I mention study?

7 things I can’t do
1. Roll the perfect pie crust(gotta love the ready made ones!)

2. Keep organized in my bedroom.

3. Find a freaking popliteal pulse!

4. Figure out why my desktop will not connect to the internet.

5. Make homemade spaghetti sauce.

6. Pull all-nighters anymore(I used to do it in college my first time around, but old age is getting to me!)

7. Deal with major crowds.

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1. Sense of humor. I gotta be able to laugh...otherwise it is dead.

2. Sarcasm, within reason of course.

3.I'm a total sucker for guys who are metrosexual.

4. Intelligence...does that even need to be explained.

5. Thoughtful! Gotta love a guy who texts you to wish you luck on a test that you have that morning, and then texts again when the test is suppose to be over to see how it was. Even though you hadn't mentioned it for a couple of days.

6. Totally understands when I have to cancel plans because Sunrise is sick.

7. Has a decent job, and self supporting.

7 things I say most often
1. Seriously? Got this from Grey's.

2. Wanna watch Blue, Barbie, Teletubbies, Baby Einstein, Old McDonald? Well...what DOOO you want to watch?

3. I am soooooooo gonna fail this test.(Thankfully up until today I had always pulled a high B at the minimum...though today, Yeah, I think I failed.)

4. Time to get ready to go. Want to go to school and see your friends? Yes you do. Now let's get dressed.

5. I HATE snow(of course not the aforementioned Snow...I hate snow with a lower case letter, not Snow with capitalization)

6. Go to bed...(5 minutes later)...get back in bed...(5 minutes later)..I said GO to bed...(Yes this goes on for an hour...and longer if I have a test the next day, because Sunrise KNOWS when I have a lot of studying to do...it is like inborn in her.)

7. I will do this tonight...

7 celebrities I admire
1. Reba McEntire, I love her voice!

2. Chelsea Handler...because she is soooooooooo freaking hilarious

3. Jeff Dunham..I mean really, who in the world is a better ventriloquist then him?

4. Noah Wyle...because he is so damned hot!

5. Joe from Blue's Clues, because he keeps Sunrise entertained real well.

6. Steve from Blue's Clues because of the reason above.

7. I have to say Angelina Jolie because everyone says that...because she is gonna save the world....Just ask her. LOL

Someone asked me...

2008-11-13T09:53:00.001-05:00

what my blog was about. I sat for a minute and before I started to say, a pat answer of it is about a single mom, I realized it was sooooooo much more than that.

I sat back in my chair and started to ramble on that it is about my triumphs over my past, my triumphs in my future, my struggles day to day, the love of my life(Sunrise), my family, schooling, and toss in a little bit about men.

A lot of single parents(I think I lost my single father readers) read my blog and can understand a lot I am going through, but there are some married parents, and those without kids who read my blog and learn exactly what we single parents go through. I also hope that there is someone who can learn from some of my accomplishments that there is some hope out there for overcoming the past.

Thank God for Blue's Clues....

2008-11-07T01:07:00.001-05:00

Today was my day off of school(Oh yeah..I quit my job, don't think I told you that), I had a TON of studying. Ugh a whole other post. So I sit here for 6 hours postponing studying. Well ok..I didn't just sit here, I washed dishes, started laundry, cleaned this and that, played with Sunrise...ANYTHING to NOT do my studying.

Well finally about 3 o'clock rolled around and I decided it was time to start studying. Grandma was home, and some of her needs could be met by grandma...while I studied.

Ok..so I start studying and Sunrise will come in and say hi to me...talk to me...give me kisses. I'll take study breaks and go hang out with her for a little bit...etc.

Tonight around 8...grandma said that she thinks that the child was ready for bed. Hmmm ok...So I take a break and get her all ready for bed...tuck her in..kiss her good night. This is when I started cursing out the company who made toddler beds!

I think she came out six times to say hi and give me a kiss goodnight. Before I knew it..she had all her blankets out on the kitchen floor at my feet laying there with her hands behind her head looking at the ceiling. You could tell she was exhausted.

So finally after looking at her exhausted body on the floor at 11PM, I got her up...and took her to bed...and turned on Blue's Clues.

Yes she was asleep in minutes! Now to return to my studying....

Racism....

2008-11-06T09:16:00.001-05:00

Another post with a couple of rules...No flaming! No flaming of me or any of my readers. If you disagree...fine, but please do so in a respectful manner. I hope that no one takes this post the wrong way. If you are offended...then you probably have read it the wrong way and please say so, so I can clarify.

I believe racism still exists sadly. It's not just a black/white issue it is a black, white, asian, middle eastern, etc..(Not just these..but I hope you get the idea...all nationalities..but for the sake of this post, let's assume I am talking about the black/white issue).

I also believe that it does not exist in GOOD people. People who are racists...suck. I don't care if they are great upstanding citizens who do good. If they are racists....they still suck. Having said this...I also believe that many African Americans are racists against whites, just like the vice versa.

Having said that...I am appalled by the fact that I think many people voted Obama in due to race. If you like his ideals...great! But if it was because he is a mixed race regardless of what he stands for, then you suck. Sorry...but that is racism! I now know for a fact that there are some that did vote him in due to his race.

I thought our country (and other civilized countries) was finally above the whole race card. I am not saying that the whole country is above it...I am saying those that don't suck are. But today, my dad received what he calls a "random text message" on his cell phone. That said "All white people report to the cotton fields". Yeah, it sucks what our forefathers did to the slaves, but don't blame the whole white population now. Neither my father or I were alive then...nor were my grandparents for that fact...beyond that, I don't really know much of my family history...so don't blame us.

Remember the past and that is why we study history, so we do not repeat it...but if attitudes like this continue to grow...our history will sadly be repeated.

A beer...or Five

2008-11-05T19:54:00.001-05:00

Yesterday our Micro class was canceled after we got to school because our instructor lost her voice. I almost escaped the grasp of the hands of classmates...but they caught me and ~~forced~~ asked me if I wanted to go have a drink with them. My answer was...~~No, I have to go home and study, and play with my daughter.~~ Ok, I think I can go for ONE beer.

We walk into the Mexican restaurant and I order a beer. The ONE beer I was going to drink.....after about the 3rd round...I called my mom and asked her to pick up Sunrise. She proceeded to take advantage of my buzz and ~~nag~~ complain to me about a situation that arose the other day, involving a Mac. (Don't ask...it wasn't pretty). I told her "Mom...STOP you are ruining my buzz" and she said she knows...that I deserve it(Laughing of course). Anyway...to the poor guy, that was sitting beside us, was on lunch break from Fred Martin...We are sorry you had to hear our stories about vibrators, sex, and other perverted stuff...but ya know what?? You know you enjoyed it! I saw that smile tucked behind the frown! :)

Next thing I knew...they were ~~dragging~~ inviting me to another bar. ~~"Um guys...I really gotta get home. I told mom an hour ago that it was only one more round"~~ I said..."Ok"

So at 8:30 I arrived home...from having ONE beer...or five. (Did I mention that we got to the restaurant around 1:30?

Amazingly I only spent 5.00 all day, and...I didn't have a hang over this morning. Maybe it had to do with my head in the toilet before I passed out.

Frustration..Opinions needed

2008-11-02T01:10:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I got things going on the blog. It looks great I think, but it needs "something". I still have a blogroll to add, awards, and other fun stuff...but it is 1AM and I'm getting a little tired.

The one thing I can NOT stand is the new inline comments that Haloscan has added. Maybe it can be taken out, but I don't see how. If you know how, could you please fill me in.

On that note, what do you think? Do you like the inline comments?? Let me know what you think. If majority doesn't like it, then I think I may just ditch the whole Haloscan thing. Since you are the one that has to see it more than me, I want your input.

So frustrating!

Hear that????

2008-11-01T19:35:00.002-04:00

That is the sound of saws, hammers, and every other tool you can think of. Since I have pretty much been hauled up in bed the last week, I decided to do SOMETHING with this time except watch television.

SOooooooo I am overhauling my blog as I mentioned in an earlier post.

So pardon the dust, and confusion. It isnt all going to be done tonight...but it is working.

By the way...Thanks to the helpful comments!! I am taking those comments and running with them. When Snow gets a minute, she is going to help me too. Thanks Snow! :)

Patience...patience. I want to get this done this week because next week Microbiology and Nursing Fundamentals 1 starts...Cross your fingers for me!

I will be back

2008-10-29T10:43:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to pop in and say that I will be back, hopefully soon. I am very ill.

I don't know what I have but based on experience I think it is pneumonia. I have been running nonstop since last Friday despite of being sick, so instead of getting better, I have been getting worse.

Until then...I hope you all are doing well.

Customer Service....

2008-10-21T21:05:00.001-04:00

I'm a HUGE person about customer service. And Single Mom Finding Herself asked about customer service stories...so I told her I'd put one on my blog.

First, I must say that I had to make a call today to customer service for a video service that shall remain nameless. They screwed up my cancel order 2 months ago, and I noticed again today that they had charged me another month. I was very angry about this, because right now money is very tight for me, especially with my 2 upcoming trips. I will give the original guy and his supervisor credit for not getting snotty with me, because I was not a pleasant phone call to say the least. High fives and thank you for my credit...as long as I do get it!

Ok..but this recent one is still haunting me. I received a call from a guy with a heavy Indian type accent(I wonder why they all have heavy Indian type accents). Anyways..this is not word for word...but it was darn close

Guy: Hi this is Guy from XYZ collections company. I am calling about the account you had with BMG. It is in arrears for $100, how would you like to set this up for payment today?
Me: Uhhhh WHAT??? BMG??? I don't have BMG.

Guy: This is Dawn...correct? Well you have an overdue account for $100. We take check over the phone, mastercard, vis...

Me:(Cutting him off because he does not apparently understand English) I DO not have an account with BMG! Do you understand that?

Guy: Yes, you are saying you do not have an account with BMG. This was from 2003. You live at 123 Green St?

Me: Nope(though I did live there at one time, but certainly not in 2003)

Guy: Ok, well how would you like to clear this up today....We accept...

Me: HELLO????? SPEAK ENGLISH???? I DO NOT HAVE BMG, AND DID NOT IN 2003!

Guy: Are you saying you are not paying this bill??

Me: Yes Einstein, that is what I am saying(Ok...I didnt call him Einstein, but I wanted to).

Guy: Your name is on this account.

Me: Send me proof and I will check into it, but I am not paying this bill.(I must interject that my ex husband has set up accounts in my name for various thinks...Direct TV and Christian music to name 2)

Guy: OK you want proof? (Why does he always answer a question with a question?)

Me: Yes

Guy: Well, if this does not get resolved today, it will go on your credit report.

Me: If it goes on my credit report, I will be suing BMG, XYZ collections, and YOU.

Guy: Why don't you pay it?

Me: BECAUSE I DON'T OWE IT!

Guy: It will be reported.

Me: REPORT IT! I WILL SUE. YOU CAN NOT REPORT IT WITHOUT PROVIDING ME PROOF! IF YOU DO I WILL SUE!

Guy: Fine <CLICK>

3 Weeks Later

Guy: Hi this is Guy with XYZ Collections company, I am calling about your account with BMG.

<sigh>

I hung up on him. He continues to call. One time, when I actually talked to him, he stated I would have to call BMG and get the proof from them. Ummmm hello?? If they want their money...YOU call them and have them send it to me. I called the number anyways...I get a very nice lady from BMG who states that they do not have records they are only the order taking at this number(read as...she is sitting at home in her bathrobe making money taking calls).

I give up...he continues to call me...I will continue to check my credit report...and Guy...whereever you are...You can go to hell!

I have some of the best readers

2008-10-21T08:41:00.003-04:00

You all are awesome! I just wanted to say that.

First littlemansmom posted a virtual birthday cake on her site for my birthday(thanks sweets!) and then you all came through with suggestions about my little nurse man in class. Thanks!

Not to mention some first time readers over the last few posts! How cool is that??!! Im so excited everyone! BTW...those that have blogs, I promise to get to them.

As far as nurse man...Actually I am terrible because there are 8 or 9 guys in my class, I know the names of 2 of them, but not HIS! UGHHH!! So...I cant email him. I will be leaving for a conference before I really get a chance to talk to him Friday(after the test first thing), however, have no fear because I will be in school 4 days a week starting Nov. 3th...and I know he will be there at least 2 of those days(based on the classes he should be taking)...so I will be a little casually talkative to him, if I dont get a chance to chit chat with him Friday before class. BTW...Im using the conference to have an excuse to go to class dressed to the nines! Muhahahahaha.

Oh yeah...if MsSingleMamma will answer her danged direct message tweet! We are hoping to get together for breakfast Saturday morning while Im in her area! Im so excited! I think she is the shit!

Finally...last night...I have a couple of blog posts rolling through my head...hopefully I will be able to get them out tonight when I get home from work.(At work now...). I am so pumped at everyone's responses...I just HAVE to post now :)

Waiting...Patiently

2008-10-20T12:28:00.002-04:00

So there is this guy in my class. Nurse guy. He is one semester behind me, but taking one of the classes I am taking. I have to say I am in love...ok make that lust.

We all were sitting there during break, relaxing and complaining about the test we just took and failed!(Yes we believe the whole class failed, we are waiting on the results now). I noticed him, and thought...wow he is a doll, but I think he is gay.

So my friend and I stepped outside for the last 10 minutes of break to smoke. (Yes I smoke...and I plan on quitting with my friend Dori as my quitting smoking buddy). He steps outside and starts talking to me. As if he was looking for us to talk to us. He proceeds to tell me he is taking his kids to the zoo for the halloween thing that night(hmm ok..not gay)...Jokingly I told him he could take my 2 year old...he said well no, his are a handful enough. I check out the hand...no ring...Hmmmm....he proceeds to tell me his kids are 1 and 4. Awful young to not be married and to have 2?? Hmmm.. He walks back in with us, and the rest of the class I spend staring at the back of his head, trying to figure out his story.

So now...ever since Friday, I have been waiting to see if maybe he will email me by using the class roster. I keep dreaming. LOL I hardly know the guy, but my intrigue is sooooooooooo strong right now. UGHHHHH..Cant wait until Friday... last class with him, and I wont even be there the whole time.

Let's Get Politcal, Politcal

2008-10-16T22:52:00.001-04:00

I wanna get politicalllllllllll let me here your money talk...

Ok..song is over.

I HATE politics as I have already made clear, but how can one NOT think about politics this year? Every damn thing you hear is about it. So, I have been doing a lot of thinking.

I want to address somethings...but only with ONE rule..NONE of this has anything to do with anyone that I communicate with in anyway! I am not pointing fingers at anyone I know, either online or offline, unless I specifically say so. And another rule...(ok..I lied..2 rules). ANY comments that I receive that are bashing in anyway towards anyone(whether be me or a commenter) will be deleted. Debate is ok, but bashing is not. Ok..Everyone understand the rules?? Good.

First, my belief is that NEITHER candidate is living in this country or something. They say that they care what is on the minds of the people(like Joe the plumber, who rumor has it, isn't even registered), but when it comes down to it...it is all about taxation. I challenge either of these candidates to come sit at my table. I will tell them what REALLY is on the mind of the poor, the single mother, the college student, the college graduate(because I am both a graduate and a student), the unemployed, the person that is scared. It isn't about taxation or what they can do for me in the next 4 years..it is what they can do for me NOW.(Ok..maybe that isn't everyone...but it is for me!). How in the world am I going to pay for gas to go to school when (notice..when..not if) the gas prices go back up, how am I going to get my child a good education, when I will be afraid for her to go to school, not to mention that teachers are teaching to test it seems anymore, or everything has to be so damned politically correct, how am I suppose to get the proper medical help with medicaid when they do not want to pay for specific tests that could solve all her medical problems. Senator McCain, Senator Obama, knock on my door...I'll listen to you, and ask you questions, and tell you what I think. Because I am one of those who is voting for Mickey Mouse this year, because NEITHER of you are worthy of my vote.

Second..what the hell is it with people who support a specific party? I mean really..I have only heard one occurrence of bad outburst from McCain's supporters, but tons from Obama's supporters. One guy in the area I live in, had a McCain sign in his yard. He was standing outside doing yardwork, when a guy drove by screaming his head off with very rude and vulgar obscenities at the man because he supports McCain. Another occurrence was where there were people carrying signs somewhere and people were standing around shouting vulgarities at them.(I guess this is on youtube??) What the hell?? Is this what our country has come to?? There used to be a time when you could drive around with support stickers on your car, but now..you have to be worried about being run off the road because of them. These, my friends, are future leaders in our country. (heavy sigh).

Now...on a less nasty note..I have found, that once someone has decided on who they like for whatever reason, instead of listening and thinking about what the opposing candidate has to say, the ears shut off! I am so not like this. I want to hear both sides of the story. I mean really...is it possible that we are missing something important that the other person has to say?

Reporters piss me off. Actually, not reporters specifically but the general media. Many of them are endorsing candidates, which is fine...but why not quit trying to persuade others for supporting who they think. Recently 2 Ohio newspapers have came out and said that they are supporting one of the candidates, umm why? Come on...why can't our media be bipartisan? Is it really that bad. I will admit that the local(small town) newspaper has listed the issues that are going to be on our ballot. I was impressed because, they provided the complete wording of the bill, an explanation of the bill, and then...they gave a column for supporters, and opponents to explain how they felt about that bill. I LOVE IT! This is the way it SHOULD be. Let the people decide what they want to decide, without being swayed by the media.

One last thing...debates. Debates are a waste of time and money! Tell me what you are going to do, to make things better for me...dont tell me what the result is of what you are going to do. Because I know, things are easier said then done. Give me proof..give me insight...otherwise, don't waste my time.

As a born and raised Republican, I would typically go for the lesser of the 2 evils and end up with McCain, but this time...I can't even do that. I do have to admit that I thought it was hilarious at last nights debates that McCain called Obama out on many things. Some people said they didn't care about these things, but I did. If you are going to lie, or over exaggerate your plans...then you need to be called out. If you say one thing and do another..you need to be called out. Do it publicly, do it in front of the person, just don't make up a commercial that does it. A coward will not confront his opponent face to face. So there was no reason why these things shouldn't have been addressed.(I am not saying McCain is innocent! He is just as guilty).

We really need to quit these games that both opponents are playing. He said, she said, he did, she did. I care about here, now, the future...not yesterday. Although on a side note, I think it would be cool to have a lady as a VP.

BTW...if 250K/year is middle class..then I am in trouble when I get my nursing license, because I will be dirt poor...now how does that make sense?

Nightmares

2008-10-08T11:26:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you are sobbing in your sleep? Where you wake up...you felt like you have had the biggest cry you have ever had? No? LIAR! LOL I am on Effexor which one of the side effects can be dreams...and the dreams are doooozies. Ugh.

Last night...as I fell asleep with Sunrise in my arms(she is going through the stage where she wants to sleep with me all the time now)...I drifted off to dreamland. I must add that I was edited the following photos earlier in the evening(putting off studying..of course). My dream was of me and my mom in a very crowded mall. We had Sunrise with us and she was being a good girl. My mom was in charge of watching her because I was on a mission of some sort. As we are walking outside of ABC store(I dont know remember what the name of the store was)I looked down and noticed Sunrise was GONE! My mom and I freaked (Of course)...for some reason we ran into ABC store..and there at the dressing room was a weird thing. It was one of those dressing rooms with half a door, where you can see heads but not the rest of the body. There were 2 women in there...the one woman was dressing hurridly, but the other lady looked stressed. I opened the door and found Sunrise standing there with the other lady putting many layers of clothes on her. I called out for security...they aparently were right in the area and they took the lady into custody. She could not speak very good english...but there she was..trying to disquise my angel to take her away. Of course the sobs start now...just a relief and freaking out. I sat on the floor and hugged Sunrise...then I hugged a box of Sunrise's that contained some of her belongings. I woke up...grabbed onto my child and held her tight ...for the rest of the night.

This nightmare was all because of this photo:

Taking my blog to the next step

2008-10-06T14:57:00.002-04:00

Ok..I wanna take my blog up a step. I am currently trying to find some good information on 3 column layouts, that I can modify with my own decorating(which is a whole other issue).

My first thought is maybe getting my own address. Has anyone done this? How hard is it to get everything moved over? I think I saw that blogger has redirect...I gotta check into it. What else is important to know before I do it???

Thanks!

Conversation with a 2 year old

2008-10-06T11:02:00.003-04:00

Last night Sunrise got into my bed to sleep. When I turned off the tv and told her time to go to sleep...she starts asking me questions.

Sunrise: Honey?(in case you are new...my 2 year old calls me honey and mommy..sometimes even DawnThat is a whole other post).

Me: Yes Sunrise?(I'm tired..lemme sleep child)

Sunrise: Is G your friend?(yes..she starts asking me if her classmates are my friend...)
Me: Yes honey
Sunrise: Is E your friend?
Me: Yes honey
Sunrise: Is A your friend?(BTW..this is all in her language..lol and I understand it)
Me: Yes honey
Sunrise: Is K your friend(this is her teacher..so I decided to throw her a curve ball..and I picked her teacher because if she should remember, which she probably wont, I'll have time to explain..lol)
Me: No
Sunrise: K not your friend? Why not?
Me: Im kidding Sunrise...she is my friend
Sunrise: Oh ok...(She turns over and goes to sleep)

Apparently it is very important to her that I be friends with everyone she is in school with.

School Rudeness

2008-09-27T23:28:00.001-04:00

It is sad in society we have a bunch of rude people. I think 90% of them go to my school.

It is no secret that I have low tolerance for morons. I'm ready to blow at school, so ignore me while I rant about the morons in one of my classes.

I currently am taking pharmacology. This class is shoved in 6 weeks and we need to know this stuff if we do not want to kill someone. In our class there are Medical Assistant students and Medical billing and coding students. These two programs tend to draw the less desirables. Now I posted about this on a message boards for nurses and I got flamed big time because people felt I was being judgmental..and maybe I am, but it is with cause, though I found out Friday there is one nursing student who fits into that category.

A little history. My program has it so that you come in with a group of people, and pretty much you stay with that same group through the program(excluding classes that may have transferred, etc). So I have gotten to know the people in my group pretty well. Well our group was put with another group of nursing students for this class, and a bunch of these undesirables.

First let me say that not ALL of the MA and BC students are like this..many of them are there to learn, but the ones that aren't sure stand out. They feel it is their right to come and go as they please in class, to be disruptive, and even sometimes answer their cell phones in the middle of class. 9 times out of 10 they are MA BC students. It is very distracting. The ones that are there are there because they are forced to be because of the Welfare to work program. As long as they are in school, they will continue to receive their checks. So if they don't get a passing grade, they have to retake it, which means they get to be on welfare longer. I know this for a fact, many of them are very open about it. As a person getting some assistance, and will be getting even more when I quit my job because of school, I can complain without being judgmental.

The latest one though was a nursing student to my surprise. What makes it worse, it appears she is with our group, and I will have to put up with her until she fails out, and yes she will fail out. At the end of the class we were going over the answers to our homework. We got down to the last 2 questions and she shouts out..."34 is 1,000 ml, and 35 is 5 ml...We are done, let's go". I turned around thinking it HAD to be a MA or BC student, but T behind me says "Dawn she was in our orientation...she had all her A&P classes and med term...remember?" Which translate to that she will be joining us for our next term. After class, those in my group were discussing it. First, if she is going to rush a class...what is she going to do when she is nursing?? I dont want her to be my nurse! Then K said that she has been very laid back so far, but soon as we start Nursing Fund 1, she will no longer be laid back, because she doesn't want to kill a person when she starts working. I agree totally. Honestly, I hope K does go off on her, because I'll be behind her pumping my fist in the air saying "YEAH! What she said!" because though I have low tolerance I let things fester, instead of expressing them...but I think this girl is going to change that real fast.

Ok..done with my rant...just thought I would blow off some steam! LOL Ohhh and btw...the instructor is addressing this. She stated when the girl said this that she had NOT dismissed class and it will be dismissed when she says it is. On our class website, she stated that the rules will be gone over again on Friday and the in and out of class and disruptions will NOT be tolerated and people will not be passed if she feels they are not ready to pass meds. GOOD FOR HER! First instructor I have had that is standing her ground!

Hugs, Hugs and More Hugs!

2008-09-26T20:51:00.001-04:00

Ohhhh you all know how busy I have been, I don't need rehash it. The other day, something happened that energized me. That is picking up Sunrise from daycare!

You see..I must have been looking pretty bad. I walked into the daycare and L at the front desk looked at me and said "Wow...are you having a bad day? I don't mean to sound cruel...but you look exhausted." I looked at her and laughed and said that school and work were taking a toll on me...I just needed some serious sleep, and she wished me luck getting it, and I proceeded back to Sunrises classroom.

When I go to her classroom, I usually sit and chat with her teacher that is going to do some sitting for me as needed when I start clinicals. She gives me really interesting information on things she notices about Sunrise, such as the way she colors(she LOVES to color, but funny it is always just circles)...I share with her some amazing things Sunrise has done at home(she knows what yellow and green, and what yellow and red make..how many 2 year olds do you know know this??). Well we were chatting and Sunrise comes over to me and gives me a hug. Suddenly, behind her G, her friend since she was 6 weeks old(and I think future husband), decides to come give me a hug...Next thing I knew, E came over and wants a hug....then G again, then E again...I noticed this little girl standing about 5 feet away, just watching as I and the kids laugh. She had no expression on her face...but she was curious as to what this was all about. I looked at her with a smile on my face and said "A...do you want a hug too?", she had her finger in her mouth kinda looking down, but never not looking at me...she got a big smile on her face ran towards me and threw her arms around my neck. She pulled back and the next thing I knew all the kids in the classroom were grouped on me for a big a old group hug. 6 2 year olds...a few with snotty noses, all with stuff all over their shirts from lunch or craft time...but I did not care one bit. Though, my favorite hugs are from Sunrise...the best hug I got that day was from A.

Today I went to pick Sunrise up...I went into the room, and of course Sunrise ran up to me and gave me her usual hug, but the person running trailing behind her was A. She wanted her hug from me second. Of course closely followed behind was the rest of the class...but I didn't care that they knocked me down to give me the hug....It made a great start for the weekend.

Gasp....

2008-09-24T00:19:00.001-04:00

Ok..so tonight, I am all snuggled up in my bed watching my most informative show ~~Chelsea Lately~~ the news...and they told us all some news that came out of left field... I TOTALLY did not see this coming....

Can you handle it????

ARE YOU SURE???

Be prepared for a shocker!

Yes..Clay Aiken is GAY!! OH MY GOD! I never saw THAT coming!!!

(Editors note: I am not saying anything against gay people...but come on, you have to agree, when I say..."WELL IT IS ABOUT DAMNED TIME!)

Resolution

2008-09-23T21:44:00.001-04:00

Well..it is done. I want to thank all of you for your words of advice.

I decided it wasn't a good idea for me to go. He seems like the type that would fall even more into me if I spent anymore time with him.

So what happened was, I saw the therapist tonight (being seeing one for PTSD, depression and stress)..and we discussed it. We discussed that regardless of who it is, I am probably better off not dating right now anyways. Soooooooo...Instead of lying, that is what I told him. It is not a good time for me to be dating anyone right now. I can't afford the extra stress of a relationship on top of Sunrise, and school. Since school is a major stressor, I should not add to the whole stress of..."Should I go out with him tonight or study for my tests or do my homework". One added stress I do not need.

Ohhh but all of your comments were very insightful! I especially like the one that said that I wouldn't find Mr. Right anyways if I was with him. I so agree..and that was another thing going on in the back of my mind too.

Thanks again! I knew I could count on my bloggy friends. (Or Doogs as MommyPie calls ya!)

Ohhh and by the way...I am soooo far behind again on reading blogs. I try to get them read daily, but sometimes I cant. Eventually I do read them, but sometimes, I just don't have the time to comment to everyone. Please know..I hate that I cant but it is so hard some days with all this work!

One last thing and Im off to bed. Thank you for the awards. I will get them up, probably this weekend. You people are so good to me!

Take care all...and thanks again. Talk to you soon!

Keep Hoping Mr. Wrong is Mr. Right....

2008-09-22T13:19:00.002-04:00

I have spoken a few times about trucker. He is a wonderful guy, and treats me and Sunrise with the utmost respect and care. However, I have never been able to "connect" with him.

I have tried...and tried. We dated for awhile (I said 4 months..he says 9..LOL) and we never had sex. I had no interest in having sex with him. My big problem is that he treats us so well, why can't I have an interest beyond going out to dinner, or going to events? Part of me wonders if it is because he isn't a "bad boy" that he is not attractive to me...or is it because I just have no intrest in him. It is weird, because before I had a life changing transformation years ago...a guy gave me attention and I was all about getting into a relationship, but now..not so much. He would love to marry me and settle down...and he would offer me the stability I would love so much(though I can accomplish once school is out alone).

Saturday he took Sunrise and I out to dinner. We had a nice dinner, nothing thrilling but it was nice. He invited me to go on a camping trip with him this weekend. I originally told him yes, because I'm thinking..."YES! A kid free weekend!", but now I am regretting it! I don't want to go. Normally, I would go under other circumstances, but with him..ughhh. I know that he will want some..and I wont give it....so what do I do?

I hate to dash his dreams AGAIN!. I am a horrible person I know, don't smack me down for it...But everytime we get into contact, I WISH that this time will be different and that I will magically fall in love with him, but I just don't see it happening.

I hate to tell him..........but I don't want to hurt him. I am never good at this kind of thing.

Have you ever had a person in your life that you wanted it to be more, but just couldn't make yourself accept it?

Any advice? Please don't tell me to just be honest, because I know that is what I SHOULD do..but I just can't bring myself to it.

The World Is Going to End?

2008-09-09T19:32:00.001-04:00

I am getting out my sandwich board sign and sitting in the middle of downtown, because many scientists feel that the world is going to end.

Apparently starting tomorrow, in Sweden I believe, they are going to start up some atom smasher and it will go to the center of the Earth to try and smash an atom. Now I am not a scientist...but my first thought was, "Um an atom is so tiny that you can not just see one, so how is that going to end the world?"

Well apparently this atom smasher, if it works according to some scientists, will begin eating the world from the inside out. That just gives me the creeps! Almost as bad as looking at holey things creep me out(I know..I am weird).

So...tomorrow...I am quitting my job, getting my sandwich board and sitting on the corner. Wave as you pass by!

I was just being honest...

2008-09-09T19:23:00.001-04:00

My mom and I have a habit since the invention of caller ID. We don't answer the phone unless we know who the number or name is. This protects us from ~~my bill collectors~~ telemarketers. I mean...who is really going to answer a call from Market Probe. However, they really need to make it better to show things like "Crazy ex husband who wants you dead", or "another one of your brother's girlfriends"..so that the local calls with no name, will tell us who it is.

My father on the other hand, apparently thinks that Market Probe must have the answers to life's most important questions, so he answers them...all of them. And he doesn't hesitate to get the person they are asking for on the phone for them. Thank goodness he is usually not home when I am...except for this past Sunday.

We got a call..and to be honest, I am not sure what the caller ID said...and dad answered it. Now, I use my cell phone as my home number now..so that my calls do not come through the house and bug them. When he hands me the phone, I know this can't be good. So I answer....

Me: Hello?

Lady: Hi this is so and so from the so and so elections. We were wondering if you have considered who you are voting for yet?

Me: Yep...Mickey Mouse..I don't like either candidate.

Lady: (obviously caught off guard): Well..I'd like to say that I am voting for Senator Obama and I think he will do great things for our country.

Me(thinking....well duh..that would be why you would vote for him, you wouldn't vote for him if you thought that the world was going to implode if he is elected): Umm ok

Lady: I would like to encourage you to consider him to be your next president.

Me: We will see.

Lady: Ok...thank you for your time <CLICK>

Now...at this point I shook my head and thought <sigh>"I hate getting phone calls..especially political ones..since I just LOVE politics(insert eye roll here)".

Wouldn't you know it...Dad had went outside...RINGGGG...So I have to get up from watching ~~cartoons~~ a History channel exclusive to answer.

Me: Hello?
Lady: Hi this is so and so from some elections. Is ________insert my mom's name there?
Me: No..she is not
Lady: Thank you.

The way I see it...my mom owes me...big time.

Views versus attacks

2008-09-06T01:50:00.001-04:00

Something happened today on a message board I read that really ticked me off. I was going to wait until tomorrow to post, but the whole post is running around and around in my head, and I hope it reads as damned good as it sounds in my mind. LOL

I am sick and tired of personal attacks on people based on what they believe. I mean really...if you don't agree, than don't agree, state your beliefs...try to convince me all you want...but personal attacks are just wrong. This does not go just with me..but with anyone; public or private.

For instance, I know that many people do not care for Dr. Phil. I happen to love him, don't agree with some things..but in general I think he is right on. There are people in the world, who would just flat out attack him because they don't agree with him.

Another example that is on the headlines now...The wonderfully fun political races. For the record, I do not care for either of the candidates. I plan on voting for Mickey Mouse in fact. (though..as a side note..I will say, that I think it is pretty cool that there is a woman in it) I don't agree with many things both candidates say they plan on doing...but I am not going to sit here and call them names and say horrible things about them. You may think that Palin doesn't need to be in office because of her family "issues", but you shouldn't attack her as a person.

Where am I going with all this?? The view that many people think about single moms, but most importantly single moms (actually parents...not to leave the single dad out of the situation)that get aid from the government.

DISCLAIMER: I know that there are many people who abuse the system..OH how I know..but this is not talking about them.

A little background: I read a message board quite a bit that often has many personal attacks on people(If you are reading this...it is NOT the board I met you through..no one on the message board I am speaking of even know I have a blog). A few weeks ago a discussion was started regarding United Health Care. The actually thread was not started to discuss on whether it was a good idea or not, but someone asking about certain ramifications of UHC, but it started in a VERY heated debate on whether it is a good idea or not. I was enjoying many of the posts seeing both sides with the exceptions of a few very boisterous and obnoxious people who started to attack those candidates that support or oppose it...then it started on attacks of people receiving government assisted health care(ie. Medicaid). One person made the following statement that totally repulsed me:

"A 30 year old single woman who doesn't make enough to support herself sure shouldn't be getting pregnant. Her lack of personal responsibility doesn't entitle her to anything, in my mind, except maybe a 2nd job.
Pregnancy isn't some disease she catches off of a dirty commode seat."

To me this comment showed the lack of intelligence this person has. As a single woman(ok..not 30..but 35 when I got pregnant), I should not be denied help because of a choice that was made, whether it was the right one or not.

This person was trying to say it was not his responsibility to pay taxes to help support anyone else. Well..let me tell you this. I worked for 15 years, 10 of these I was making well above poverty(this was of course BEFORE my daughter). I paid my share of taxes. When I went back into the workforce, I realized that I needed a better job...then I found out I was pregnant. So instead of trying for a job that would pay not enough to support me and my daughter(as a starting position...it could have led to a more lucrative position), I decided I needed to do something NOW. So I decided to go back to school and in order to do that, I went back to school...I know when I get out of school, there are TONS of jobs that will pay me enough to start supporting my daughter and me immediately without any help from government agencies, but until I finish school I require the assistance of the government to help me(not to mention help from my parents..etc).

Then someone suggested that she went to school with 2 kids when she was single, plus worked a full time job in order to provide insurance for her kids...and now that she is married, she works to help provide insurance, and after that and daycare...she is left with $50 a week. People should use family, charities and friends to help, not the government. I wanted to write back to her and say.."Ya know...if you can do it...GREAT! But you aren't me. $50 a week is not going to make it for 2 people. You may have 50 left but what does your DH have left over...I am willing to bet more than you will admit".

Many people believe that everyone getting assistance are living off of it for no reason other than being lazy. WTH? YES it is abused...YES it is not good...YES something needs to happen, but why must you attack others because you just don't understand where they come from?

I am a firm believer in walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you make rash judgements...it is a shame that many people do not do this.

Does this post make sense?? Because it sure did in my mind..and now I'm questioning whether it was as good as I thought! LOL

Fly by Update!

2008-08-31T12:06:00.001-04:00

Ok, I am going to give you a run down on what has been goin on for the last week. It is going to be a real quick flyby because I have so many reads I need to catch up on, and I want to spend as much time as I can with Sunrise today and tomorrow.

1. I am on a 2 week break! WOOHOOO! Finals were Thursday for my A&P2 class. I got a 111%(gotta love extra credit!)on my final. I finished with a Solid A in the class.

2. I start back on the 19th. I only have one class one day a week for 8 weeks. I will be working the other 4 days a week, but only for 6 hours a day. I plan on spending as much time as I can with Sunrise, because the beginning of November.....All hell breaks loose! I will have Fundamentals 1 and Microbiology!!!!! UGHHHH. But I will be quitting my job.

3. I have been on Effexor XR for depression and PTSD. This is causing more problems then I realized. I woke up 4 times last night with bizarre dreams! Needless to say I am exhausted today!

4. No news on dating...but that is kinda expected with me. Yeah, I'd like to date, but I don't think right now I need the stress.

5. Sunrise has high testosterone levels for a girl. She is sprouting hair in places a 2-1/2 year old shouldn't be..not to mention her body odor, and height. It doesn't sound like it is horrible levels to be real concerned about, but she does have a endocrinologist appointment in October to see what is going to be done, if anything at all. But the good news shows that she has no tumors, or cysts! Oh yeah..and her bone age scan shows she is a 4.6 year old.

6. And finally..here is a photo of Sunrise taken earlier this month at the water park.

7. Until I get a chance to post again....tata.

6 Words

2008-08-20T19:03:00.001-04:00

One of my all time favorite bloggers, Modern Single Momma , tagged me on a MeMe. I gotta say first that the reason she is one of my favorites is because I admire her energy and her ability to look at the good in everything(at least from what I seen anyways). She always has a positive outlook...not to mention she is now sooooooooo in love! Yay!

Ok..the Meme is 6 words that define your life, and then tag others...

1. Honey(aka Mommy. Sunrise calls me Honey, because I call her honey....LOL).

2. Student

3. Exhaustion

4 Hopefilled(is that supposed to be 2 words?LOL)

5. Survivor

6. introspect

I gotta admit, for me, this was harder than I expected.

Ok I am going to tag ....littlemansmom , Random Esquire,Snow, Amanda, and Tasha.

I apologize

2008-08-19T11:21:00.003-04:00

For my last post. I realize I have some new readers, and others who may have been offended by my language, but non swearing could not showed how much emotions I have in regards to someone forcing a 2 year old to smoke pot.

Anyways...Yes, I have seen everyones comments! I know some of you are from themomblogs.com! I have not been able to head over there to check everyone's blogs out, but I will.

In fact, a little update about school. I have a final next Thursday, then I am off for a week...then the next 8 weeks should be a cake walk. So look forward to seeing more blogging and commenting from me for at least 10 weeks! After the 10 weeks...ughhh starts the REAL work. The HARD stuff. I will be quitting my job at the end of October so I can study more.

Also, one last note...I will be in Columbus Ohio the weekend of October 24. (at least that is the plan right now). If anyone would like to do dinner or drinks let me know! I have a conference to attend, so my daytime might be tied up. I will be there until at least Saturday evening, though if anyone wants to get together Saturday night...I might be able to make the weekend last until Sunday!

Some people can't handle the truth...

2008-08-19T11:05:00.002-04:00

WARNING: Bad language ahead!

I wrote this post about the moron who forced a 2 year old to smoke pot. Yes, if you are new...this actually happened. Well, the other day, I received a comment on that post, and I would like to respond to him/her that sent it.

This is a direct copy and paste:

"your still a bitch its people like you that runs your mouth that make me sick"

Hmmm...well first I would like to say that...I know that you are not the asshole that did this, unless you are the girl in the video, which is possible because I dont know if she has been tried. Hm Maybe you are Melvin Blevins...don't they allow internet access??? Ok so if you aren't Melvin the asshole, or the idiot of a female that did this, then you are family...which, the family is just as big of dick heads as Melvin is, ok..I'll give it to you, you could even be friends. Hmm How do I know this??? Well for one..I KNOW you are in the Columbus area...probably closer to Centerville.

Second I'd like to address that I am a bitch. Well...right now, I am sure Mr asshole Blevins is someone's bitchboy, so who is the bitch? And I hope like hell it hurts! He should rot in hell!

Third...STILL??? Hmmm never knew you thought I was a bitch before! Hell...I never knew you knew me before...So call me a bitch...I'm just devistated that you feel this way about me! I don't know if I can sleep tonight, or work, or go to school, so I can have a job that relies on actual LEGAL means...instead of being so freaking brain dead that I have to depend on doing legal activies because I don't have a brain cell left in my in my head.

I make you sick??? GOOD! I hope you vomit and then choke on that vomit!

And finally...since you obviously have NO sense correct English, let me correct your comment for you. It should read:

You're still a bitch. It's people like you who runs their mouth that makes me sick.

Ok...I've vented...and made my point. I hope you come back with something better, because I was thoroughly amused that I actually caught your attention! I feel popular now!

This weekend..I promise

2008-08-16T02:41:00.001-04:00

This weekend I will blog something...I have a few things I want to address. One is a mean comment that I am going to expose.

It all has to do with a post, where I called a very horrible man some very bad names...But I do not apologize because he deserves every damn bit of it....Stay tuned.

Oh yeah...by the way...September 8 starts the new semester, it is suppose to be an easy one..I promise to be around more. I have been reading blogs, but really haven't had much time to comment.

Ohhh and welcome to all my new readers!! I am going to check everyone elses blogs out this weekend too I hope!

Bear (or is it Bare?) With Me

2008-08-05T21:16:00.001-04:00

I am currently peaking over stacks of anatomy and physiology books to post this...I have read everyone's comments...I intend to comment back...and check out the blog of one new reader :) But I am just swamped right now!

Stay tuned though...I have stories...

I have a foot fetish story...(that is going to drive some people here on the google search! LOL)

I have not so smart computer dad story...

hmm..now all I can think about is antibodies, but I know there are many more...I'll hopefully catch up this weekend...

Stay Tuned....

The Predator thinks he is fooling his prey

2008-07-25T00:16:00.001-04:00

So this guy introduced himself to me on a website that I frequent. I am not going to say what site, because when I brought it to their attention the issue was dealt with immediately and they don't deserve any indication of bad publicity, because it is out there on any site that involves singles unfortunately.(ok and married people to...but that is a whole other subject).

A little background..when it comes to online and chatting, if I come across a worthy ~~victim~~ person to mess with their heads..I jump ALL over it. Such is the conversation that I had with this guy...name changed to protect the ~~moron~~ guy.(I hope he doesn't read my blog..so I can let this go on..LOL)

A little more background. He messaged me and said he was interesting in chatting. His profile said he was in the same state as I was...so I thought, what the heck. Why not? I'm really not looking to date anyone..but if someone jumps out and bites me on the nose, cant hurt to check him out..right? A week goes by with offline messages, apparently he is only online during the day when I am usually at work or school. Well he caught me. Now..all of our messages so far have been very light and casual. Nothing personal at all.

(This things in parenthesis is stuff that I was thinking)

Moron (7/17/2008 11:15:19 AM): how was your night?
Dawn (7/17/2008 11:15:32 AM): Eh ok...was studying until midnight
Dawn (7/17/2008 11:15:35 AM): you?
Moron (7/17/2008 11:15:57 AM): had a splendid good sleep
Moron (7/17/2008 11:16:05 AM): ur plans 4 today? (Y O U R...this bugs me when it isnt done in text messaging. I understand doing it in text but online..it kinda gets on my nerves.)
Dawn (7/17/2008 11:16:14 AM): School and work
Dawn (7/17/2008 11:16:26 AM): Do you work?
Moron (7/17/2008 11:17:03 AM): i do but a contract work ,i guess you know(he goes on to tell me he is a geologist contract work..first thought was SCORE.)

Deleted boring stuff...

Moron (7/17/2008 12:52:17 PM): babe, am so very busy sorry
Moron (7/17/2008 12:52:25 PM): but can talk to me now(OHHHH yeah?? Giving me permission????)
Dawn (7/17/2008 12:52:51 PM): Ok

Moron (7/17/2008 1:04:22 PM): hello, babe(I deleted some stuff..but there was only 9 minutes between the last PM and this one, and where the hell does he get off calling me babe?)
Moron (7/17/2008 1:04:31 PM): sorry just wanted to ask something
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:04:37 PM): ok
Moron (7/17/2008 1:04:59 PM): you got Equity?(WTH?? First..the only equity I know of is when an item of large amount is worth more than what you owe on it...umm hello?? I just told him in the deleted section that I work part time and go to school..plus he knows I'm a single mom...Oh yeah, I am rich alright *insert eye roll here*. But I know something isnt right...so let's see where this goes).
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:05:36 PM): No(even if I did..the answer is still no)
Moron (7/17/2008 1:07:10 PM): sorry i asked, i have reason for asking
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:07:27 PM): um ok(so share with me Einstein)
Moron (7/17/2008 1:11:06 PM): hello,i don't bank cos of past problems had with banks(yep..this is definitely going where I think it is going, and "hello"?? Must be shift change)
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:11:25 PM): I see
Moron (7/17/2008 1:11:46 PM): what bank you save with?(umm again..poor single mom=NO SAVINGS)
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:11:58 PM): key
Moron (7/17/2008 1:13:09 PM): ok
Moron (7/17/2008 1:13:56 PM): hello(notice the whole 47 seconds between pm's...must have been anothing shift change).
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:14:08 PM): hello(at this point I am sitting here thinking...how the heck can I screw with this scamsters head...)Moron (7/17/2008 1:14:39 PM): could do a slight favour?(ummm it is FAVOR in the states moron!)
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:14:49 PM): what(he is going to ask me for money...)
Moron (7/17/2008 1:15:39 PM): its going to be a little demanding but i'll compensate if will try for me(uhhuh...sure you will...he is going to ask me for money)
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:15:49 PM): whats that?
Moron (7/17/2008 1:16:53 PM): open a Wells Fargo Account Credit account, you will help receive some funds(there we gooooooo...Ummm have I told you also I have very bad credit?? And owe approx 20 thousand in college loans?? Yeah...didn't think so...but for him, I am going to make him believe that I have perfect credit)
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:17:08 PM): why?
Moron (7/17/2008 1:17:29 PM): cos of reason said ealier a(oh I should mention that his profile had no typos, mispellings or anything else like that).
Dawn (7/17/2008 1:17:57 PM): Why dont you?(I wanna hear it from the horses mouth...)

This is where I had to go to work...Our conversation would not be continued until this morning...

Moron (7/24/2008 9:27:22 AM): hey Dawn

(here we had useless chatter about how I just got out of the shower and was getting ready to go to school..etc...and of course, his sexual innuendos about me taking a shower alone...More eye rolling of course)

Moron(7/24/2008 9:37:57 AM): really missed talking to you
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:38:09 AM): Well you aren't on in the evenings(at this point, I had already checked the time in Nigeria...Yep...mornings are evenings there...he must be doing this as a side job)
Moron (7/24/2008 9:38:43 AM): its cos of the time difference, thought you know i made my way down here to west africa(hmmm nope..never told me...I think I won a lottery or two down there recently...gotta remember to send them some money so that they can send me my winnings.(Sarcasm by the way..I know it is a scam))
Moron(7/24/2008 9:39:05 AM): how have you been?
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:39:16 AM): Busy..(now I am just annoyed that this guy is scanning single mom's out of money. I was talking to my mom at the same time..and she said I should call the police, I asked her...hmmm dont have the number for the internet police mom...(she just doesnt get it))
Moron (7/24/2008 9:39:48 AM): i guess thatz why have not been seeing you on(he must feel that Z is an underused letter..so he is going to use it so it doesnt feel lonely).
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:40:10 AM): Work and school(DUH!)
Moron (7/24/2008 9:40:37 AM): how has it been?
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:40:53 AM): Rough(are you seeing the pattern of my one word answers??LOL)
Moron (7/24/2008 9:41:04 AM): but you have been coping good i guess?(coping...I only ever hear that word when I am in therapy..or after someone's death)
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:41:27 AM): Yeah..so far

Moron (7/24/2008 9:43:43 AM): could you pls give me links of 5stars hotels in your city close to you(so you can promise to come visit me..then you will have a problem getting money to get the plane ticket here, and in my sadness because I am so awestruck by you..I will give you the money, just so I can go to the airport and you not show up?? Ummm yeah right...but I will play your game).
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:45:05 AM): I dont think there are any 5 stars(HELLOOOO Single mom...Let's do this math again: Poor Single Mom=No Money=No 5 star hotels)
Moron (7/24/2008 9:45:58 AM): i hope you did kno wat i mean by 5stars hotel?(ROFL...I kind of got offended by this statement).
Dawn (7/24/2008 9:46:07 AM): <--not stupid
Moron (7/24/2008 9:48:11 AM): sorry if that sounds offending to you(Gee ya think?)
Moron (7/24/2008 9:49:35 AM): but do you know of any with good services

I gave him the link to a hotel that is about 20 miles from here..I don't know if it is a 5 star or not, but it is a higher quality hotel...For some reason he signed off on me!! DANG IT I wasn't done playing with his mind...Hopefully I will have some more chances...MUHAHAHAHAHA

A&P is kicking my butt..or am I doing it?

2008-07-24T23:16:00.001-04:00

And it hurts! However, when I think about it, I think I'm kicking my own butt!

I want sooooo bad to get all A's in school. So bad, that I think I am being too hard on myself, but I can not get out of the A mindset.

For instance, I studied my butt off for this test today. I felt like I was ready to ace it! Got to class, and took it.

I walked out of there and felt like a freaking truck hit me. Everyone else did too. In fact, when we returned after the test was over(those of us that finished it before the hour was up, were allowed to leave for the remaining time), we had a mutiny. The test was HARD, there were things on the test that she said weren't and things she said would be weren't. I was sure that I failed it. There were questions that I left blank. I could not even come up with something that sounded right. I was so freaking disappointed in myself.

Well..just checked the grade online and I got an 85. That just isn't good enough. I know it is. I know it is a great grade, especially when the average was a 61...but I just feel like a failed. She probably could have giving me a 50 and I still would feel the same. Like a failure.

I don't know why I am so hell bent on getting all A's. Yes it is something that is good to have, but shouldn't a B be good enough if I tried my hardest? Why can't I accept this?

I think that all of my failures in life(or if your a half full type of person..."life lessons"), has caused me to worry about being perfect, and it is so disappointing that I am not. Not that I think that I am...but I want to be, and that is a crazy dream.

High school revisited? Or is it just me...

2008-07-19T18:03:00.001-04:00

Since I came reinvolved in blogs, both reading and writing, I have found myself transformed into the teenager back in the days of high school.

I have gotten jealous of the exposure some upcoming bloglets(think...starlets). I find myself reading some blogs who are up and coming and starting to rise in the area of popularity, and finding that I want to be just like them. I want to be like the cheerleader (aka Morgan, with her charisma and likeability..I bet you were a cheerleader werent ya? LOL)...or the philosophical ones like MsSingleMama, or Rachel Sarah...or the popular girls like Pioneer Woman or Dawn Mehan. I wanted to be in with the boys...like Dad's House or Random Esquire. I find that I want to join the organizations they belong to...so I can be "in" by association.

I often forget who I am...Though these people are "perfect" in the world of blogging, I know I can not be perfect...and I forget that they are not perfect themselves, they just have talents that I have yet to develop yet.

So hats off to all you bloggers out there who have become the "in crowd". You have impressed me with your writing styles and popularity!

PS. I am strictly stating that I am impressed with these blogs, and many others! I could go on and on...how many of you impress me...like Snow and her comic ways, littlemansmom in here ability to make it real. And to my doodlebug mom's who fit in between everything. Hats off to all of you.

My first award...

2008-07-19T16:53:00.002-04:00

Littlemansmom is the first person to ever give me an award. I am touched, especially since I know it comes from the heart! She has been a great support through all these recent things going on...and I could not have asked for a better friend(especially someone who hardly knows me!).

Thanks again hon! I will cherish it!

ROFL! Is this the guys online?

2008-07-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Only during the time of potty training a 2 year old...

2008-07-18T21:53:00.002-04:00

do you get praised every time YOU go to the potty!

(Ok..I have to edit this post to say...I actually typed the word potty. Not bathroom, not facilities, not even take a piss. My vocabulary has been deduced to a 2-1/2 year olds! )

My Meeting....

2008-07-18T21:29:00.001-04:00

Ok, with great demand, here is how my meeting went.(Ok..only one person was demanding an update...LOL)

But first, I want to thank all of you who left me comments of well wishes and prayers. I appreciate it.

When I arrived at the restaurant, I was directed by the hostess to meeting Michelle. She was standing there. She looked a little like I had imagined. I had only seen the side of her face quickly at the courthouse, and I did see a professional photo of her...which as every one knows doesn't always look like yourself.

Immediately, we hugged! First I think the hug was in relief. Relief that it was exactly who we'd expected...relief because we knew that the person hugging the other knew exactly how we felt and to know that we knew each other as not being crazy..that kinship that we share...it was just plain old relief.

We sat down in our booth...and it was like we were old friends. We talked about her stuff going in her life(there is a major event going on in her life..but out of privacy...just know we talked about it). Then the subject turned quickly to Chris. I handed her the letter I had received..and let her read it. Of course, she had questions on how Chris knew about her...and a few other things about the conversation I had with Chris. I told her what was said to the best of my memory. She expressed her concerns for me and my safety, and we discussed being safe and all that other good stuff.

This of course led to stories...stories of the abuse. And it was funny, how though we had separate stories...the stories were the same. Different scenarios...but the same MOs. We shook our heads in disgust..we laughed...we got somber...but there were no tears. None! I thought for sure there would be crying, but I think the comfort of talking to someone who knows...just overshadowed it. It felt good. I didn't feel like I was whining or complaining too much. Often I feel this way...on my blog even, because I think "Noone wants to hear about your horrible ex or past!", but Michelle did. I was happy(in a weird way) to hear her stories. Because abusers tend to make you question things...make you think that your mind isn't right. That you are making stuff up...when you know it happened!!

She even bought dinner, which was a huge relief to me. Though I was ready to pay for my share, it would have been tough. I am a little low on cash until next payday..and her offering just lifted it off my shoulders. Of course, I would NEVER tell her that I was low on cash...but she did. I protested of course, because I feel bad...but I decided that since she is in the service industry(again privacy for her)..I was going to have her do something that I need, and tip her big for it in a couple of months. Though she did say I could buy next time...which I certainly will(do you think next time I hang out with her..it would be ok to meet at McDonalds???LOL j/k).

But the best thing that has stayed with me since was when she said...."We should start an ex's of the monster's club...and you can be the president because you are the bravest person I know!" I was so proud to be called brave...she made me feel real good about myself.

I think I have made myself a new friend...and the best thing of all..She has a great personality!

Home Safe...

2008-07-15T21:55:00.001-04:00

Just thought I'd let you all know that I am home safe. She is a WONDERFUL person. Sooo nice...and caring. I'll update you all tomorrow...Sunrise is trying to take over the laptop..making it hard to type. LOL

A HUGE leap of faith

2008-07-14T23:42:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow, I am taking a huge leap of faith and trusting that my gut is right. Tomorrow I am meeting Michelle. This is a huge leap of faith for both of us. Since both of us were beaten by the same man, there isn't much surprise, that I think both of us are nervous.

With the recent onslaught of events revolving around Chris, our emails have gotten more and more frequent. She is really afraid for me. Chris doesn't require anything from her, so she feels like she is safe. But being the Chris as reached out to me...she is panicked that the ex will come after me again. I gotta be honest, now I am panicked.

But I regress...this meeting is going to be very hard. Hard emotionally especially, because we have established such a kinship for going through the same things with the same man. I know that I am afraid a teeny tiny bit about what if she has hooked back up with him...but mostly because I am afraid to have to face some feelings that I have pushed down wayyyyyyyy deep for the past 4 years. But I think in the end...it will be a relief. I am prepared for tears...and probably an onslaught of more nightmares that have reoccured since the whole Chris thing has developed, but I think all will be well.

Wish us luck, that we will be able to resolve within ourselves some of the pain that we still live with day to day.

Return of the "man" who changed me forever...

2008-07-12T19:15:00.001-04:00

Well the other day as I was looking through the television listings...I came across something that changed my life extremely from when I was 16 until I was 20.

Yes...he rocked my world, he showed me the way...he opened up my mind...he gave me a purpose...

Who was this person you ask??? It was....

Yes!!! That is right...Alf is in reruns on television. Now my life is complete!

Muddy Buddies or Puppy Chow

2008-07-12T15:17:00.000-04:00

My first recipe!! WOohoooo....

Ok this is or favorite thing to have around the house to snack on, but be careful..it is addicting.

BTW..this maybe a real simple recipe, especially compared to Pioneer Woman's...but hey..I don't have time to cook huge meals, or the mouths to eat them. Not to mention, I don't think I'm that good. Here we go..

I apologize first the quality of some of the photos. Turns out that my camera was set on close up.

First you need

9 cups of Chex
1 cups of semi sweet chocolate chips(I add extra for good measure)
1/2 cup of peanut butter
4 tbs of butter or margarine
1 tsp of vanilla
1-1/2 cups of powdered sugar

Take the 9 cups of Chex and put in a large bowl. I used a large pan, because we have no large bowls.

Take the chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter/margarine

And mix in a microwaveable bowl. ~~Nuke~~ Place in microwave:

Cook for 1 minute. Stir and cook for additional 30 seconds if needed to be able to pour over cereal.

Add vanilla and mix.

Pour mixture over cereal and mix well, evenly coating pieces.(Ok I gotta admit, that my pieces are not evenly coated).

Ok I know this looks like something that came out of Amy Winehouses flat, but I assure you that it is powdered sugar in a bag.

Add the cereal to the bag and mix.

Pour everything out on wax paper so that the mix can set for a little while..

VOILA! Puppy chow!

Eat it up..but please remember I take no responsibility for any weight gain for any irresponsible consumption!

I never thought I'd Say...

2008-07-12T13:42:00.001-04:00

SUNRISE! Get your head out of the toilet NOW!

Technorati Tags: sayings

Moral Decisions.....

2008-07-07T22:02:00.001-04:00

OK...I want to ask you a question....

If you had information that could save a child's life possibly(not your own child), would you risk your life to give up that information?

Answer that for me...please! I am so torn right now.

As stated in many of my emails about domestic violence...I am in contact with the girl that my ex dated during the trial, divorce proceedings, and CPO hearing. Let's call her...hmmmm....Michelle.

Last week Michelle emailed me...and let me know that my ex had in fact remarried and apparently had a child. Let's call his now third wife...Chris. But Chris and the ex are now getting a divorce..and there were charges of domestic violence against him, and he was found guilty on one..awaiting trial for the second.(Good for her for pressing charges!!!).

Well today, the weirdest thing happened(keep in mind that I just found out about Chris last week). I received a letter from Chris. She needs my help.

Turns out Chris had to run with only the clothes on her back from the ex. Unfortunately she had to leave her almost 1 year old behind. (Because he wouldn't leave the baby alone with her...and I know him...he knew deep down inside she was leaving, and knew if that child was left alone with her..she'd take him. She probably thought she could get the baby back easily, once she was free). Well this is not the case. Now the ex...(still waiting trial for abuse mind you) will not give back the child. And the fact that he has not been convicted yet...is not enough reason to give him back according to the courts. This is all because he is doing to her..what he did to me. He is telling everyone who will listen, that she is crazy.

I called Chris and we talked for a little bit. She doesn't sound crazy, but I don't know her. She wants me to speak the Guardian Adlidem about the abuse I witnessed with my step kids, the fact that he tried to say I was crazy, and the abuse I endured... First the step kids are with their mother now...so they are safe. I asked her if the GA could talk to them..she said yes that she probably will. I told her that the only way I will talk to the GA is for information purposes only. I do not want my name brought into it...out of fear. Now I'm wondering if that is even a good idea. I told Chris that I could probably tell the GA about things that I saw the ex do to the kids, and then she could ask the kids herself if this or that happened(you know..because kids forget after years)...I of course told Chris, that I would not be able to vouch for her...because I don't know her...but I will tell them my story if I can anonymously.

My main thought is that little 1 year old...that child is going to be abused. He did it with all of his other kids...he will do it to him too. But yet..I sit here..and wonder what if he does find out I talked..what will he do to me? <sigh> What to do ...what to do...

What would you do???

Blogging Advice Needed

2008-07-06T00:29:00.001-04:00

Technorati Tags: blog help

Ok..at the advice of littlemansmom, I checked out wordpress. Tell me those of you who have used wordpress and blogger, which one you like better?? And why?

I was looking at it..and it doesnt look like you can change things on...like adding photos as your header..or background...etc. Am I correct?? Or is it just something I'm not seeing?

I have only a week left to get this blog the way I want it before I head back to school...UGHH...

Any advice?

Dirty looks

2008-07-05T23:49:00.001-04:00

Pioneer Woman put this video on her blog...and I thought it was too friggin cute not to show you all. LOL Gave me a good laugh.

Teetering back and forth...

2008-07-04T22:33:00.001-04:00

Ever feel like you are walking a balance beam with very bad balance?? This is what I'm feeling like. I HOPE this is just PMS...PLEASE let it be PMS...but I'm on the edge of loosing it. I wanna cry...

I think it started when I got the car..That's crazy eh?? Well once I explain...maybe you will understand. I was also getting ready to quit my job, partially because of stupid crap they are pulling, and are pulling more of...partially so I could concentrate on school...and partially...for my own sanity, because I am overwhelmed with 30 things going on at once.

It REALLY hit me today when I had to go into work. For the last 3-1/2years I have worked there...we have not had to open our department on holidays, as long as things were done ahead of time, and we didn't get paid for the day. This worked out well since I had Sunrise, because daycare is closed..and I didn't have to worry about what to do with her. Well last week, my bosses boss emails her and tells her that someone has to work holidays now. In fact, they are exploring opening us up on the weekends to...Ummm NO. I can't do it. Period, no if, ands or buts. Since my boss was leaving yesterday for vacation in Colorado, and the other girl in the office was coming home from vacation in NC...I HAD to go in. Which I told them, I could only do it after my mom came home from work. Fine they said...since this is a new thing, they will LET me.. Ummm hello????? What were they going to do...Fire me?? PLEASE!!! Because right now, I am not sure quitting is an option for me anymore...which leads to me feeling stuck!

I got a little scolding a couple weeks ago from my boss about having to leave early here and there for doctor appointments(in which all the time was made up). Whether they are for Sunrise..or for me...Now with this condition that Brooke may have, doctor appointments are going to become more frequent I think.

Now..here is where the car comes in. I have to pay my dad back for the car..which I think I can make payments to him, even if I quit, but convincing him of that..is quite difficult. Long story as to how, I could, but they would be smaller payments, and my spending will be real limited, but budgeted correctly, I can do it. But I feel stuck in my job. Which just upsets me beyond what you can imagine.

Then I'm having stress about Sunrise. For those of you that do not have experience...being a single mom is H A R D! Not so much hard, as exhausting. My mom is now starting to be annoyed about having to watch her to help me out..when I run to the store..run an errand..do this or that. I asked her if she would watch Sunrise this weekend while I washed and waxed the car.(This is a necessity. The car REALLY needs a wax...This isn't because I want to...believe you me!). She said that I could take her outside with me to do it. Umm yeah I could, but Sunrise has this extreme urge to runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn to the neighbors...to the street...to the end of the earth if Id let her. Ohhh and the hose?? Oh boy..that is going to be a fight, trying to get it away from her! So my mom is now expressing her need for a break. Which this is all pointing at a point....I can not, get out! I can not get an evening to myself...just to go out...have a couple of drinks...go to the movies...go out to eat...ANYTHING! So that means...for the next year and half..my only break will be working and school...No going out. I need a break. Granted, it isn't her responsibility...she didn't have Sunrise..But have some compassion woman! PLEASE.

I live with my parents, so there is no way I can bring a sitter in(nor can I afford it) to help out while I do get away...so what is a woman to do.

So you see..here I sit...teetering on the edge of losing it. I feel like I want to just cry. Curl up, and go to sleep forever. I just wanna escape. Tonight I thought it would be great to go to the drivein...ALONE! How pathetic is that? Going to the drive in by yourself?? But my goodness...it would be pleasantly quiet! I could cry in peace and no one would know. Please PMS...PLEASE be the problem and be done and over with!

Just. hold. on. a. year. and. half. longer.

My grades are going to suffer...

2008-07-03T21:47:00.001-04:00

because the night before school starts back up....Big Brother 10 starts up. And look at that...I "forgot" to cancel my Real Pass...which means that I will be watching a bunch of 24/7 feeds...while I study.

Anyone else have this or an addiction like it??? How do you break free?? I'm screwed.

Siphoning Gasoline

2008-07-03T18:53:00.001-04:00

When we were on the way down to get my car...my father announced that he would like for me to siphon out the gas from my old car and put it in my new car, and some left for the mower.

Can you say "Hello gasoline high??" I haven't done it yet...but I know that it is going to be what happens.

I can see it now..."911 what is your emergency?" "Yes I inhaled too much gasoline fumes" "You did what" "Inhaled gasoline fumes..." "ummmmm gas prices are bad..but didn't know they were that bad!" LOL

New Photos of Sunrise

2008-07-01T22:07:00.001-04:00

My New Car :)

2008-07-01T19:54:00.001-04:00

Here it is! Alot of what seems to be on the car is just the shadow from the tree above it.

I have always wanted white dials...lol I dont know why..I just did.