Friday, July 04, 2008

Teetering back and forth...

Ever feel like you are walking a balance beam with very bad balance??  This is what I'm feeling like.  I HOPE this is just PMS...PLEASE let it be PMS...but I'm on the edge of loosing it. I wanna cry...

I think it started when I got the car..That's crazy eh??  Well once I explain...maybe you will understand.  I was also getting ready to quit my job, partially because of stupid crap they are pulling, and are pulling more of...partially so I could concentrate on school...and partially...for my own sanity, because I am overwhelmed with 30 things going on at once.

It REALLY hit me today when I had to go into work.  For the last 3-1/2years I have worked there...we have not had to open our department on holidays, as long as things were done ahead of time, and we didn't get paid for the day.  This worked out well since I had Sunrise, because daycare is closed..and I didn't have to worry about what to do with her.  Well last week, my bosses boss emails her and tells her that someone has to work holidays now.  In fact, they are exploring opening us up on the weekends to...Ummm NO.  I can't do it.  Period, no if, ands or buts.  Since my boss was leaving yesterday for vacation in Colorado, and the other girl in the office was coming home from vacation in NC...I HAD to go in.  Which I told them, I could only do it after my mom came home from work. Fine they said...since this is a new thing, they will LET me.. Ummm hello????? What were they going to do...Fire me?? PLEASE!!! Because right now, I am not sure quitting is an option for me anymore...which leads to me feeling stuck!

I got a little scolding a couple weeks ago from my boss about having to leave early here and there for doctor appointments(in which all the time was made up).  Whether they are for Sunrise..or for me...Now with this condition that Brooke may have, doctor appointments are going to become more frequent I think.

Now..here is where the car comes in.  I have to pay my dad back for the car..which I think I can make payments to him, even if I quit, but convincing him of that..is quite difficult. Long story as to how, I could, but they would be smaller payments, and my spending will be real limited, but budgeted correctly, I can do it.  But I feel stuck in my job.  Which just upsets me beyond what you can imagine.

Then I'm having stress about Sunrise.  For those of you that do not have experience...being a single mom is H A R D!  Not so much hard, as exhausting.  My mom is now starting to be annoyed about having to watch her to help me out..when I run to the store..run an errand..do this or that.  I asked her if she would watch Sunrise this weekend while I washed and waxed the car.(This is a necessity.  The car REALLY needs a wax...This isn't because I want to...believe you me!). She said that I could take her outside with me to do it.  Umm yeah I could, but Sunrise has this extreme urge to runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn  to the neighbors...to the street...to the end of the earth if Id let her.  Ohhh and the hose?? Oh boy..that is going to be a fight, trying to get it away from her!  So my mom is now expressing her need for a break.  Which this is all pointing at a point....I can not, get out!  I can not get an evening to myself...just to go out...have a couple of drinks...go to the movies...go out to eat...ANYTHING!   So that means...for the next year and half..my only break will be working and school...No going out.  I need a break. Granted, it isn't her responsibility...she didn't have Sunrise..But have some compassion woman! PLEASE.  smile_embaressed

I live with my parents, so there is no way I can bring a sitter in(nor can I afford it) to help out while I do get away...so what is a woman to do.

So you see..here I sit...teetering on the edge of losing it.  I feel like I want to just cry.  Curl up, and go to sleep forever. I just wanna escape.  Tonight I thought it would be great to go to the drivein...ALONE!  How pathetic is that?  Going to the drive in by yourself??  But my goodness...it would be pleasantly quiet! I could cry in peace and no one would know.  Please PMS...PLEASE be the problem and be done and over with!

Just. hold. on. a. year. and. half. longer.

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