Barbara Walters is THAT stupid????

I normally do not watch the View, and today I accidentally ran across it, and now I know why I don't watch it.

The conversation was about Chris Brown and Rhianna.  The discussion at the point where I sprung out of bed and started screaming at the television was when Barbara Walters opened her mouth and said "First time his fault, second time your fault." WHAT THE HELL???  I never cared for her, but now I down right can't stand her!  She obviously is uneducated about domestic violence and the cycle of violence.  Come on Barbara...I'd love to talk to you about this, because I find that you are VERY uneducated and know NOTHING about it.

Do you want to know my 2 cents??? Well..since this is my blog...I'm going to tell you.  After all, that is why I type this blog right? LOL :)  I'm just teasing...but honestly this is the way it is.  I don't care if it is the first time, second time, or 100th time a man hits a woman, it is never EVER EVER her fault. (For the record...I am using her and him because that is the most usual battered person, a woman...but it can be reverse).  Over the years, when I tell my story...it is inevitable that someone will say, "Why didn't you just leave?"  or "It would have stopped if you would have left."   These are the stigmas associated of victims of domestic violence...but let me give a little lesson, so that I can be part of the education in domestic violence.  When women go back, they don't go back because they want to be beaten again, they go back for so many more reasons, that unless you have been in the situation, you will never understand.  Some of the reasons they go back is because they are promised the world....they are promised it will never happened again...their abuser becomes the person that they originally fell in love with again. Another reason they go back, is typically the abuser controls the money...so the victim has nothing, therefore (especially when the victim has kids) they feel that have to option since they have no money.  And on other reason is that often the victim has been alienated from friends and family...they have nowhere to go (other than shelters) and feel like the only home they can have is with the abuser.

I was reading some of the message boards on The View website..and one thing that was brought up was that people are ticked that Rhianna is being "punished" and being told she is not allowed to contact Chris...I believe this is to save her, not to punish her.  In fact, when I went before the judge in my protection order hearing...my ex was told that regardless if I started the contact or not, HE is responsible to stay away.  If I found him, HE had to leave.  For instance if he was at the local swimming place...and I walked in...HE had to leave.  Or if I called him, HE had to hang up on me.  My ex tried to fight it when she told him that, which was hillarious because his attorney told him to shut up...but he tried to say he was going to go to school too (where I was going at the time), and what if we were in the same building...that just isnt fair.  The judge looked at him and said "I SAID, if she is somewhere...YOU have to leave..no option". 

One final thing...a man should NEVER hit a woman, regardless if she did it or not.  He needs to leave.  Dr Phil said this before, and I believe this...but sometimes I wonder about it.  Though it is true that most of the time the abuser is a man...so I guess it seems to fit.  What do you think?

The real me....

The other day someone said something to me that caused me to do some self examination. I wanted to put this in a blog, because there is just no one outside of blogdom that really wants to hear it, I am sure.

I was told that I was "hard headed".  At first I was offended but after thinking about it, I realized that I probably do appear hard headed but I am far from that.  To me hard headed means I make a decision or have a thought and I am hard fast on it.  This is not true.  The reason they think this is because often we are talking at school about a test question before we get the answer back...and if I say what my answer was, I will try to explain why I chose it.  More often then not, I am cut off before completing my thought and that just PISSES me off to no ends.  So I got to thinking about that.  I decided that the reason I do this because I have spent all of my life trying to be heard, and never was.  But since the life changing event of my abusive ex, I made a HUGE change in my thought processes and I changed.   I want to be heard, that is all.  If I am heard, and someone wants to debate(in a nice way of course) I am more than happy to discuss it, and maybe even change my mind...but don't cut me off before I have made my point, because that just gets me going more and I will fight...fight not to prove myself right, but to fight to be heard, which will appear to be a fight for my cause.

Another thing about me that really no one knows(at least those that don't read my blog that is) is that I am still in love with a guy I dated 6 years ago.  Not so in love that it keeps me from other relationships, but in love enough that it hurts me that he still wants to have a friendship.  I have not ever responded to him, but he keeps trying. I just don't get it.  I mean really...I NEVER see him anymore...but yet he hunts me out, such as on facebook...he sends me messages, tries to message me, and yet I have not answered him in 4 years. At what point does he get it?  I mean really.  Shutting him off is my way of dealing.  He is married now and has moved on obviously, so why does he feel so obligated to keep in touch?  Especially since he gets no response.

I am protective about the situation at which Brooke has came to be...and I probably will be until the day I die. (With the exception of when she is old enough to explain to her..but other than that..I don't really want to share that.  I have told maybe 3 people and 2 I have never met, and my old therapist.  Is that wrong of me?? Probably...but really, is it anyone's business?

I am stressed beyond belief.  The only thing that keeps me going every day is my daughter.  I feel bad that I can not give her the life she deserves right now, but I keep in my mind, I am doing all this for us.  I know that this is the fact, but some days I do feel bad about it.

I am ok with being single, but I wish I wasn't. I need to be loved, and to love someone...but that is ok.  Right now I need to work on myself. But it still sucks.  Does that make sense?

I have wanted to be the center of attention.  In years past it was always achieved in bad ways.    Now I find myself using humor to cause attention to myself. Often this humor can be annoying, I would imagine...but I do get a lot of laughs. 

I know people at school especially get annoyed with me having so many stories...but when you have been in my shoes all these years, and have seen, done or had done to you so many things...you have a TON of stories.  I am working on this.  I have decided that I am going to keep more stories to myself.  Because after some point, people start to believe(at least I do about other people), that you are making things up, which I do not do.

I get depressed because I have only been out for the evening enjoying my time 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.  Do you know how bad that sucks?  I got told by one of the girls at school that they do not invite me to anything anymore because I never go.  First, it is still nice to be invited, even if I can't go...and second, I wish like hell I had money to pay a sitter to babysit but I am broke.

And finally, I have never been this broke in my life.  I have $50 to my name to last me the rest of the month, and will need gas by the end of this week. If it wasn't for my parents I do not know what I would do.

Finally, I love my father, but I have spent all of my life CONSTANTLY trying to impress him.  If I get a good grade on a test, he is the first to know.  They day I did an IV...I was excited to tell him.  I told others, but he was the one I wanted to tell the most.  Often time when I do tell him something positive, I barely get a response, sometimes I get a negative response("Oh you got a B?  What happened to an A?"), and sometimes he will say good job.  UGH I hate this about me the most.

So there ya go...some insight into me...There is so much more because I am a complex person. I had to put this in a blog because it is running through my head, and I am sure no one wants to listen to me talk about myself in real life...so you, my dear bloggers, get the luck to listen to me ramble :)

Things 3 year olds shouldn't say...or me for that matter.

Today, Brooke said something to me that 3 year olds should not say.  This is also something I say often, that I SWORE I'd never say to my child when I was younger.

Me: Brooke...are you ready for bed?

Brooke: No mommy.

Me: Why not?

Brooke: Because

Me: Because?  Why arent you ready for bed?

Brooke: Because I said so.

WTF????  It is just like nails going down a chalkboard when she says this because that means something I swore I'd never say...is being thrown back in my face.

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Another gem...Don't criticize me..because this USED to work...

Me:  Let's go inside Brooke.

Brooke:  I don't want to mommy.

Me: Mommy's going to cry...(btw..why do we always refer to ourselves in third person?)

Brooke:  Go ahead.

WTF??? When did my child become so insensitive. LOL

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Me: Brooke GO TO BED! (the way I say it sometimes makes her cry..)

After she is done crying and lying in bed...

Brooke: Mommy, I'll be nice now.

Me: Ok honey...Go to sleep. I love you.

Brooke: Mommy, I'm sorry now.

Me:  Ok honey, I love you, now go to sleep.

Brooke: Mommy, can I give you a hug?

Me: Yes honey...I love you.

Ok...I'll wait for you all to say "Awwwwwwwwwwww". 

The next morning....

Brooke: Mommy, are you still mad?

Me: No honey. I love you. (She wasn't suppose to remember that!)

 

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Here are some shorts of things that were said to us in class by our instructor...and my response.  And yes I said this stuff out loud .

Instructor: Personalities are pretty concrete. This means that a 2 year old's personality will probably never change.

Me: Good God....I'm in trouble.

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Instructor: (teaching on Bipolar disorder)  Many people with bipolar are very impulsive in their manic phase. For instance, they will be less choosey on who they have sex with.

Me: Well...I guess that goes to prove I am not bipolar, since I am not having any sex.(someone tell me why I admitted that in front of my whole class?)

===============

While discussing advanced directives, and how if you don't have advanced directives..the next of kin is automatically given the responsibility.

Me: So if you are saying that next of kin gets the responsibility that would be my parents, and I am ok with that, because they are very rational.

Instructor: Do you have any brother's and sisters?

Me: I have one of each.

Instructor: Well..there is a possibility that they could fight for that right to make the calls.

Me: Hmmm well I better get one written ASAP then because my sister would be fighting to pull the plug even if there is a 99% possibility that I could recover! In fact, she probably would be begging to do the deed!

 

I often come out with quips in class...most of the time I get a laugh, but I bet I drive some of the other students nuts. lol

DUCK!!! Pigs are flying!

Yes...I am sitting here sniffling because they grow up so fast...sniff sniff.

No, I am not talking about Brooke....I am talking about my little/big brother is actually going to do it... He has been to Iraq and back...he has drank a many a beer...and he has dated a many a women....but he is finally going to get married!   Yes..my 25 year old brother is going to settle down and become <gasp> married.  They are getting married July 8th, I guess just at the court house, but he is actually going to do it.  Congrats little bro...(Even though you don't even know about my blog...lol).

 

Told you so....

Yeah, so I took Brooke back to the dentist.  In a way I really was hoping for the melt down that happened so I could be vindicated, but I hated that my darling child had to go through this...but she HAD to. It's just a shame that the dentist is in some kind of denial, the same denial that I am in when I think that eating that huge piece of cake isn't really going to put any more fat on my hips.

We arrive at the office of horrors 30 minutes early, because I am the queen of being early.  Luckily Brooke didn't realize that we were just here the week before, or did she? After explaining to the receptionist on how to set the dvd to play, because obviously noone has ever watched DVD's there, we sat down and waited...and waited...and waited.

Finally they call Brooke's name. This is where you could see the fear rise from the tips of her piggies to the pig tails in her hair.  We walk back to the little room that they use for xrays.  Now, mind you she never really made into the chair the last time, so this time...I sit down they throw a vest that weighs 4 times as much as Brooke on me, throw one on her...and proceed to attempt to take the xray (On a side note...whatever happened to the question of "Is there any chance your pregnant? question.  I guess they can see the celibacy of a year and half written all over my face).  Now Brooke is kicking and screaming, it is taking all my might to hold on to her and calmly tell her that she was going to be ok, they were just going to take pictures of her teeth.  Nope, no how, no way was she going to let them! So what do they do?  They get what I am assuming is the master of dental heigenests (sleep escapes me to remember how to spell that) to come in.  I am thinking...great...she must work with kids real well.  Calm them down..keep them ok for the xray.  NOPE she is the masochist of all masochist.  She throws on an apron and grabs my child's chin and throws that little piece of plastic that tears into your gums into her mouth.  3 or 4 times.  Now...it happened so fast that I didn't realize just how rough she was, until we get out of the chair...and find my child's lips are BLEEDING!  YES BLEEDING! UGH!  So I'm fuming, but I just want this over with so I can hold my child and apologize.

Then they take us to "the room".  Now last time they had us in a room with 3 chairs, this time...I'm sure they thought "We have a screamer that is bleeding, we do not want anyone to see this!"  so they gave us our own little room.  While we waited for the dentist, Brooke started sorting through the little toys they give to the kids.  I told her she could have 2 since they were so mean to her. (Ok I didnt say since they were so mean...but I did tell her to take 2).

The dentist came in and said...YAY! She got the xrays done!  What a great job Brooke!  And all Brooke did was look at her like she was out of her mind.  So now...let's get her to sit in the chair.  NOPE NO WAY...but some how..they put her in the chair, tied her down while the dentist looked in her mouth, the hygienist held her hands down.  Brooke is screaming her freaking head off...but hey!  That works for the dentist as she poked around to see all the work that needed to be done.  They praised her for being such a good girl and helping them out by keeping her mouth open.  Ummmmm hello???? She was screaming..she wasn't doing you a favor (can ya tell I'm still pissed off about the xrays?). 

So they came to the SAME conclusion as last week...she needs to be sedated in order to do the repairs on her teeth that need to be done.  Um couldn't we have just skipped this step then?  Then being a stupid mom I ask her...so will they do a cleaning then too??  The dentist says to me...Now get this..this is the same woman who remembered Brooke from last week being noncompliant...and the same one who just had to deal with her screaming while trying to see what needed done "oh, we didn't clean her teeth?" UMMMM NO???? Have you been hitting that nitrous oxide yourself lady?   So we get Brooke back into the chair...screaming her head off again...and they start to clean her teeth.  Once Brooke tasted the toothpaste, she was chowing on it!  She kept closing her mouth just so she could taste it.  Then when they when to use that vacuum hose suction with the water...she was all about that...she loved having her tongue sucked (oh lord, this could be trouble when she grows up!)...but she was a trooper through all that.

Now...the dentist again tells Brooke how great she did!  And how she was such a big girl! Ummm hello...do you have ear plugs in? Then she tells Brooke to take a toy or 2 from the bin....Of course I didn't tell her about the 3 she stuffed in my purse while waiting.

Geesh...who knows my child best?

I really hate that fact that some medical practioners think they know my child better than I do.  Case in point, the PEDIATRIC dentist I took Brooke to last week.  I really kind of wait for redemption this Thursday when we go back.

First a little back story....a year and a half ago Brooke threw one of her major fits at daycare and it resulted in this....

 

In case you can't tell her top tooth was knocked clear up into her gums.  The dentist (a different one) said he would be surprised if it lasted but it has.  When I took her to this dentist, she was very cooperative, despite that the "accident" had just occurred a couple of hours before. When we went for the follow ups, she sat for xrays, opened her mouth, and let the dentist poke around and look at the damage for awhile. She had to be in some severe pain, so the latest excuse this new dentist gave is bullshit.

Lately, whenever Brooke eats anything real sweet, she complained of a toothache.  Now, she NEVER complains any other time, just when she eats something sweet.  So I had to take her to the dentist.  We went to a different dentist because the first dentist didn't take her insurance, and I had to pay things out of pocket, so this time...I am not able to do that.

We go into this dentist who is suppose to specialize in kids, so I'm thinking...GREAT! They will understand a 3 year old's temperament and be able to deal with her.  We walked into the room where they do xrays and Brooke has a breakdown.  Not just a breakdown but a full blown out...NO WAY IN HELL am I sitting in that chair for xrays breakdown.  I tried to hold her, nope, I tried to talk calmly to her, nope...She just was not having it. So the dental hygienist decided there was no way we were getting xrays.  So off we went to the next room where the dentist chair was.  I sat down in the chair expecting to hold her, and she made it clear...NO WAY IN HELL am I sitting in that chair mom, not even on your lap!  Eventually we wrestled her down for the dentist to get a millisecond peak in her mouth as she screamed in defiance.  Now the child is scared, and I understand that.  This was a strange place.  I was very apologetic and explained that she was always cooperative with the dentist and doctors...and in no way did I expect her to do this before they even got her mouth open.

The dentist proceeds to tell me that it was because my child was in pain and that she was going to probably need to have some teeth pulled, and that would require sedation.  However, the doctor that does sedation has a 2 month waiting list.  But we want to bring her back to get the xrays next week after round of antibiotics and pain relief.  She will be fine once the swelling is down and there is no pain, because that is why she is throwing a fit.  Ummm hello....I know my child.  She is not letting you poke in her mouth because YOU just aren't friendly to kids.  She wasn't calm talking, didn't try to explain to Brooke what was going to happen(not that she would really understand, but it would give her some indication that the dentist was nice), NOR did she give Brooke anything to play with like the other dentist gave her some bubblegum smelling gloves to play with. Oh yeah...she says to Brooke after she calms down..."Brooke do your teeth hurt?" and Brooke said yes.  When we get into the car...I said to Brooke, "Brooke do your teeth hurt..." Her answer??? NO.  She told this dentist what she wanted the dentist to hear so she'd leave her mouth alone!

So after she told me I was wrong, that she was just in pain, because there is no way it was her problem, she had me schedule another appointment this week...just for her to say... "well I can't get xrays or a look so we will have to schedule another appointment"...because I just have all the time in the world!

Who wants to put $50 on the fact that Brooke will not be cooperative Thursday when we go back???

I suck.....

Alternate title...Happy Mother's Day! (I'm trying to get that in because I know there is one person looking for an update..)

Yes I am still alive.  Things have been so freaking crazy that I really don't know what end is up.  I have no excuse for not writing, other than my face is plastered to Med Surg books and care plans.

So here I go again with an update...are you not sick of my updates?? I know I am!  And apparently so is my former sponsors who have dropped me from their list(for good reason!).

 

Last term was HELL!  I am not just saying that for me, I am saying that for everyone in the class.  It was the toughest one yet.  In fact, we lost 8 people from failing.  That is 8 out of 24!  Ummmm....1/3...33.33333333%.  So you can imagine how my life centered around school and all things medical.  But, I pulled through with a B, so that is all that counts, right?

This term is not as hard as far as learning (at least not yet), but we have projects coming out the anal canal that each of us has.  But the real bad part is...I have truly lost my drive.  I have lost ever give in me.  I need to find that drive back, but not sure how. I am working on that.

During my 1 week break from school, I took a vacation.  Yes...a bonified, fly in a plane vacation to the beach.  I had been in contact with a former..hmmm...how do I put this...friend with benefit.  We haven't seen each other in 7 years, so for those doing the math, he is NOT Brooke(yes I am just outing my daughter's name now) father.  I do not know how many times I have been asked this before we left, but I'm just going to get it out there.

Now...I'm probably going to get myself into trouble because he has read my blog once at least, but I will put a little bit about our vacation. 

Brooke & I flew to Wilmington NC for 4 days.  We spent 3 of these days at the beach, which I got the worse sunburn ever.  I ended up at the doctors back home because the pain and various colors was just not sitting well with my nursing instructor.  Thank goodness all that was required were steroid  creams and pain meds.  Today all is well with a little bit of left over skin shedding...I just LOVE to peel my skin. LOL

Our trip was far from relaxing.  I let Brooke run the beach as much as I could because I knew she was so in love with it...that I did not want to take that away from her.  Plus I knew that for the next 6 months left of school...she would not be doing a whole lot of getting out.  I did nothing but chase her and keep her from drowning under the waves.  She loved the beach...and the seashells. *sigh* I am glad she was happy but it exhausted me. 

This was the first day at the beach.  The water was freezing, but my child didn't care.  Ummm yeah...which means I had to NOT care because I had to go in after her.

70 degree water is cold!

 

 

 

She was a very good girl.  I was so worried how she was going to react to the plane ride, but she was a trooper....Never cried once or even got scared!  She got mad at me because she wanted to color during take off...but she got over it quickly.

Here she is at the Charlotte airport waiting for our connecting flight...what a great girl!

 

 

 

 

I love her crooked smile.  She always has it when she is up to something!

 

 

 

So to answer anyone before asking...There is a reason is was a friend with benefit...and there was a reason for the former friend with benefits.  No romance, no sex, no love...so don't even ask.

I am going to update more...I promise...I need to just do it. LOL  Not to mention fix the code now.

Oh how I miss you all.  I have read all the engagments and new guys...You all are so lucky.  I hope everything and the best for you!!! I am off... I need to be on the psych floor by 7AM...(and no I am not being admitted......YET).

Ohhhhh so HILLARIOUS!

So one of my readers, fellow single mom, and aspiring actress/writer/all that other fun stuff out in LA...Has webisodes. These are hillarious!

So go check out her site and watch the videos.  My favorite was "If Hitler Gave Me a Wax Job".

So go check it out......Bernthis.com

 

 

Why are you still here????

 

Are you gone yet????

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm Really Beginning To Hate Facebook...

I posted about an ex boyfriend who found me on Facebook and keeps me thinking about him. Then I posted about the people on Facebook that I went to school with who didn't know I was alive in school, but suddenly are real friendly....

The exboyfriend...apparently deleted himself. Kinda relieved...but still... (I wonder if he saw my blog..hmmm..)

The people from high school that it kinda bothered me that they were so nice to me, well I am over it.  It is what it is...and it was 20 years ago.  Whatever.

Now...there was a guy who I went to church with in high school.  We were really good friends, and he had a huge crush on me.  He never admitted it until the other night, but I knew then.  He was a great guy..just not what I wanted in a guy.  He was rough around the edges.  He was angry at the world it seemed, but he was still a friend.  I found him on Facebook.  I had always wondered what happened to him, and I would periodically search for him on various means, but I finally ran across him.  We have been talking a lot and I have found, he is still rough around the edges, and kind of annoying.  Now that I know he is still alive, I kind of wonder whether I should have found him in the first place.  Ah well...what can you do?

Facebook can be a good thing, but I wonder if it isnt a great thing like I originally thought. 

 

By the way, truck driver and I went to the casino over the weekend.  Umm he lost a grand. (I should say we, because I gambled with his money)...but I got to play blackjack for the first time in my life.  Kinda fun!