Just for a little while.....

There is only one person that reads my blog that I know IRL. She is a schoolmate that I forgot that was on my twitter account. I THINK she would be shocked at what I am about to write...and I know most people who know me IRL, would be shocked...

I'm down..this has been going on for a few weeks..I think most of it is the stress from school, plus I keep digging myself a deeper hole by becoming apathetic because the stress is becoming more than I can handle it seems. I hide my depression real well around others, and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't want others to feel sorry for me..but I feel like I'm ready to crack.

Amazingly, I feel nothing about the fact that I am single on Valentine's day. I really don't care that I am single...except for the fact I need held. I need my hair stroked while I cry into a sympathetic shoulder. I need someone to listen while I whine about everything that is getting me down, school, money, single mommyhood, a child who is becoming more and more defiant, and not to mention that I am mourning my childhood.

Childhood should have been happy, but for me it was very traumatizing and sad. I started downloading 80s hair band music...and amazingly that has seemed to make this depression worse.

So just for a little while, I would like to have someone to wrap his arms around me and do all that I mentioned. I only have one real true friend IRL. Yeah, I have some people in my life that I talk to every day (basically at school), but none of them can really relate to my whole situation, not to mention that I just don't think they will get it. The least of my stressors is the mommy thing, and those that do have kids or are single moms..yeah they can relate to that..but there is so much more.

I so want to call Harry and ask him to come hang out with me tonight while I cry. He is the only person in the world that I could trust yet not to expect something, or make things more complicated. Despite what he revealed to me in my Harry and Shirley post, he is certainly a true friend and someone I can depend on. In fact, he called me last night and we talked for a few hours. He straight up told me that even since I do not want to engage in the whole thing with him and Shirley, he is my friend..and will be there for me no matter what. Yeah he wants more, but he can understand and he wants to be there for me as a friend only if that is the way it is. I just can't call him, because he is probably spending Vday with Shirley, second, I have a hard time opening up to others (the blog is different, because most of you I will not ever meet, heck maybe none of you), and finally, I don't trust myself. I am depressed and I may do something I would regret with him. So instead I will sit here tonight study(or attempt to..)play games or cry.

To everyone else...happy valentine's day. May your year be full of love.

"Excuse me sir...but where is UP??"

That is what I feel like lately.  I feel like I am slipping into depression again, and I know the reasons, but unfortunatly for me, depression is a vicious cycle.

My depression is not what people who have never experienced depression THINK that it is.  My depression is characterized simply by the loss of desire to do ANYTHING.  Which really sucks when you are in nursing school.  Let me tell you.

My depression also is characterized by easily overwhelmed.  Take for instance, today, I came home from open lab, with complete plans to study for the rest of the day.  No go...I laid on the couch and fell asleep to endless episodes of Max & Ruby, Blue's Clues, Little Bill, and Pinky Dinky Doo...(have I said lately how much I love my cable??)

So at one point, I decided it was time to crawl off the sofa and sit at the computer and start to go through my reader to check out what everyone has been doing in their lives since I have gone into this depression......only to find well over 1,500 posts that I have not read!! HOW THE HELL?????  I check the date...and there staring me in the face was the last date that I read blogs...January 24th....JANUARY 24th...DID YOU SEE THAT??? That is over 2 weeks of not reading blogs...So I read through all my single mom blogs haphhazardly...and decided I really needed to do something about this.

So...I am going to have to do a catagory a day, plus writing more, and studying...I need to carve this time out for myself.

Since the whole Harry and Shirley thing...I am like....REALLY horney...Damnit!  How does one get over that??  Sure I could call them...but not my bag of tea...so instead...I look to my dear old BOB.  LOLOLOLOL

2 more weeks and the semester is over..and maybe then I can get my shit together and figure out what end is up......in the mean time....Could someone PLEASE point me the way???

Teetering back and forth...

Ever feel like you are walking a balance beam with very bad balance??  This is what I'm feeling like.  I HOPE this is just PMS...PLEASE let it be PMS...but I'm on the edge of loosing it. I wanna cry...

I think it started when I got the car..That's crazy eh??  Well once I explain...maybe you will understand.  I was also getting ready to quit my job, partially because of stupid crap they are pulling, and are pulling more of...partially so I could concentrate on school...and partially...for my own sanity, because I am overwhelmed with 30 things going on at once.

It REALLY hit me today when I had to go into work.  For the last 3-1/2years I have worked there...we have not had to open our department on holidays, as long as things were done ahead of time, and we didn't get paid for the day.  This worked out well since I had Sunrise, because daycare is closed..and I didn't have to worry about what to do with her.  Well last week, my bosses boss emails her and tells her that someone has to work holidays now.  In fact, they are exploring opening us up on the weekends to...Ummm NO.  I can't do it.  Period, no if, ands or buts.  Since my boss was leaving yesterday for vacation in Colorado, and the other girl in the office was coming home from vacation in NC...I HAD to go in.  Which I told them, I could only do it after my mom came home from work. Fine they said...since this is a new thing, they will LET me.. Ummm hello????? What were they going to do...Fire me?? PLEASE!!! Because right now, I am not sure quitting is an option for me anymore...which leads to me feeling stuck!

I got a little scolding a couple weeks ago from my boss about having to leave early here and there for doctor appointments(in which all the time was made up).  Whether they are for Sunrise..or for me...Now with this condition that Brooke may have, doctor appointments are going to become more frequent I think.

Now..here is where the car comes in.  I have to pay my dad back for the car..which I think I can make payments to him, even if I quit, but convincing him of that..is quite difficult. Long story as to how, I could, but they would be smaller payments, and my spending will be real limited, but budgeted correctly, I can do it.  But I feel stuck in my job.  Which just upsets me beyond what you can imagine.

Then I'm having stress about Sunrise.  For those of you that do not have experience...being a single mom is H A R D!  Not so much hard, as exhausting.  My mom is now starting to be annoyed about having to watch her to help me out..when I run to the store..run an errand..do this or that.  I asked her if she would watch Sunrise this weekend while I washed and waxed the car.(This is a necessity.  The car REALLY needs a wax...This isn't because I want to...believe you me!). She said that I could take her outside with me to do it.  Umm yeah I could, but Sunrise has this extreme urge to runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn  to the neighbors...to the street...to the end of the earth if Id let her.  Ohhh and the hose?? Oh boy..that is going to be a fight, trying to get it away from her!  So my mom is now expressing her need for a break.  Which this is all pointing at a point....I can not, get out!  I can not get an evening to myself...just to go out...have a couple of drinks...go to the movies...go out to eat...ANYTHING!   So that means...for the next year and half..my only break will be working and school...No going out.  I need a break. Granted, it isn't her responsibility...she didn't have Sunrise..But have some compassion woman! PLEASE. 

I live with my parents, so there is no way I can bring a sitter in(nor can I afford it) to help out while I do get away...so what is a woman to do.

So you see..here I sit...teetering on the edge of losing it.  I feel like I want to just cry.  Curl up, and go to sleep forever. I just wanna escape.  Tonight I thought it would be great to go to the drivein...ALONE!  How pathetic is that?  Going to the drive in by yourself??  But my goodness...it would be pleasantly quiet! I could cry in peace and no one would know.  Please PMS...PLEASE be the problem and be done and over with!

Just. hold. on. a. year. and. half. longer.