Is it possible to fail at finding friendships?
"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."
- Tom Petty
This isn't a pitty me post, by no means...because right now I am OK with it. I don't have many "friends". I have people on message boards, people's who blogs I read, and who read my blog, and people I go to school with.
Each group have their own connection with me. Some are mother's with children the same age as my daughter, some who have a connection of single parenthood, and some who go through the hell we call nursing school, and that is it. I have yet to find someone who I can just bitch to, be bitched at, cry on a shoulder, have someone cry on my shoulder, laugh at the stupid things, cry at the stupid things, call when I wanna chat, be called when they need an ear.
So I looked inside myself and tried to figure this out. The first thing is that you must reach out to find friends. I have done this, and apparently have not done it very well. I gave up. I tried to be a friend...the people I go to school with, 90% of them are much younger than me..and often talk about things going on in their life. I give my opinion using my wisdom of age(oh that sucks to even think that way..but it is true). Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not candy coat it. I say what I think, what I feel, or what I have experienced. Maybe I should just say whatever that person thinks I should say??? Maybe that is a mistake.
I try to define friendship...I mean true friendship...and maybe I am being too hard on what I consider a friend. I mean if there was a real serious crisis in my life, I know there are several people I could call...but I could just not call these people because I was frustrated with Sunrise and need a mommy minute with another adult.
Maybe this is what friendship is when you get to <ahem> middle age(ok..not quite there..but working on it).
I have no friends from high school(except those that found me on facebook..and those aren't really even friends)...or college for that matter (the first two times through)...
My phone NEVER rings unless someone wants to help me with a mortgage problem(when I don't even have a mortgage), or it's truck driver who is checking in(yeah he is a friend..but there are too many strings attached to that friendship)...and I think that is what I miss most. I want someone to call me to just say.."Hey..what's up? Let me tell you about my day."
I also wonder if it isn't because I have experienced more in my life than the average person? When someone says that they are going through a bad time with a roommate...yep..been there, let me tell you how it happened to me, and how I resolved it. Or when someone says...I am always having car troubles, hmmm yep...went through4 cars in 2 years...been there....or other sordid details(and more horrific) of my crazy freaking life. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut as to what I have gone through and pretend I never have been through it?
Maybe I am trying to connect with the wrong type of people? The younger ones, appear to not look at me as a possible friend, but as someone who takes a class with them who is old. Yes...I am old...at least compared to them. There is one or two who I look at like I want them to be like a little sister to me. I want to take them under my wing and protect them, but they don't need protection, I just need a friend.
Or maybe...it isn't the fact that I am not friendship material, but just not to the people in my contact.
I don't know..these things I am going to have to ponder and figure out what I need to do to become more friendship material......