Saturday, February 14, 2009

Just for a little while.....

There is only one person that reads my blog that I know IRL. She is a schoolmate that I forgot that was on my twitter account. I THINK she would be shocked at what I am about to write...and I know most people who know me IRL, would be shocked...

I'm down..this has been going on for a few weeks..I think most of it is the stress from school, plus I keep digging myself a deeper hole by becoming apathetic because the stress is becoming more than I can handle it seems. I hide my depression real well around others, and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't want others to feel sorry for me..but I feel like I'm ready to crack.

Amazingly, I feel nothing about the fact that I am single on Valentine's day. I really don't care that I am single...except for the fact I need held. I need my hair stroked while I cry into a sympathetic shoulder. I need someone to listen while I whine about everything that is getting me down, school, money, single mommyhood, a child who is becoming more and more defiant, and not to mention that I am mourning my childhood.

Childhood should have been happy, but for me it was very traumatizing and sad. I started downloading 80s hair band music...and amazingly that has seemed to make this depression worse.

So just for a little while, I would like to have someone to wrap his arms around me and do all that I mentioned. I only have one real true friend IRL. Yeah, I have some people in my life that I talk to every day (basically at school), but none of them can really relate to my whole situation, not to mention that I just don't think they will get it. The least of my stressors is the mommy thing, and those that do have kids or are single moms..yeah they can relate to that..but there is so much more.

I so want to call Harry and ask him to come hang out with me tonight while I cry. He is the only person in the world that I could trust yet not to expect something, or make things more complicated. Despite what he revealed to me in my Harry and Shirley post, he is certainly a true friend and someone I can depend on. In fact, he called me last night and we talked for a few hours. He straight up told me that even since I do not want to engage in the whole thing with him and Shirley, he is my friend..and will be there for me no matter what. Yeah he wants more, but he can understand and he wants to be there for me as a friend only if that is the way it is. I just can't call him, because he is probably spending Vday with Shirley, second, I have a hard time opening up to others (the blog is different, because most of you I will not ever meet, heck maybe none of you), and finally, I don't trust myself. I am depressed and I may do something I would regret with him. So instead I will sit here tonight study(or attempt to..)play games or cry.

To everyone else...happy valentine's day. May your year be full of love.

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