Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The real me....

The other day someone said something to me that caused me to do some self examination. I wanted to put this in a blog, because there is just no one outside of blogdom that really wants to hear it, I am sure.

I was told that I was "hard headed".  At first I was offended but after thinking about it, I realized that I probably do appear hard headed but I am far from that.  To me hard headed means I make a decision or have a thought and I am hard fast on it.  This is not true.  The reason they think this is because often we are talking at school about a test question before we get the answer back...and if I say what my answer was, I will try to explain why I chose it.  More often then not, I am cut off before completing my thought and that just PISSES me off to no ends.  So I got to thinking about that.  I decided that the reason I do this because I have spent all of my life trying to be heard, and never was.  But since the life changing event of my abusive ex, I made a HUGE change in my thought processes and I changed.   I want to be heard, that is all.  If I am heard, and someone wants to debate(in a nice way of course) I am more than happy to discuss it, and maybe even change my mind...but don't cut me off before I have made my point, because that just gets me going more and I will fight...fight not to prove myself right, but to fight to be heard, which will appear to be a fight for my cause.

Another thing about me that really no one knows(at least those that don't read my blog that is) is that I am still in love with a guy I dated 6 years ago.  Not so in love that it keeps me from other relationships, but in love enough that it hurts me that he still wants to have a friendship.  I have not ever responded to him, but he keeps trying. I just don't get it.  I mean really...I NEVER see him anymore...but yet he hunts me out, such as on facebook...he sends me messages, tries to message me, and yet I have not answered him in 4 years. At what point does he get it?  I mean really.  Shutting him off is my way of dealing.  He is married now and has moved on obviously, so why does he feel so obligated to keep in touch?  Especially since he gets no response.

I am protective about the situation at which Brooke has came to be...and I probably will be until the day I die. (With the exception of when she is old enough to explain to her..but other than that..I don't really want to share that.  I have told maybe 3 people and 2 I have never met, and my old therapist.  Is that wrong of me?? Probably...but really, is it anyone's business?

I am stressed beyond belief.  The only thing that keeps me going every day is my daughter.  I feel bad that I can not give her the life she deserves right now, but I keep in my mind, I am doing all this for us.  I know that this is the fact, but some days I do feel bad about it.

I am ok with being single, but I wish I wasn't. I need to be loved, and to love someone...but that is ok.  Right now I need to work on myself. But it still sucks.  Does that make sense?

I have wanted to be the center of attention.  In years past it was always achieved in bad ways.    Now I find myself using humor to cause attention to myself. Often this humor can be annoying, I would imagine...but I do get a lot of laughs. 

I know people at school especially get annoyed with me having so many stories...but when you have been in my shoes all these years, and have seen, done or had done to you so many things...you have a TON of stories.  I am working on this.  I have decided that I am going to keep more stories to myself.  Because after some point, people start to believe(at least I do about other people), that you are making things up, which I do not do.

I get depressed because I have only been out for the evening enjoying my time 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.  Do you know how bad that sucks?  I got told by one of the girls at school that they do not invite me to anything anymore because I never go.  First, it is still nice to be invited, even if I can't go...and second, I wish like hell I had money to pay a sitter to babysit but I am broke.

And finally, I have never been this broke in my life.  I have $50 to my name to last me the rest of the month, and will need gas by the end of this week. If it wasn't for my parents I do not know what I would do.

Finally, I love my father, but I have spent all of my life CONSTANTLY trying to impress him.  If I get a good grade on a test, he is the first to know.  They day I did an IV...I was excited to tell him.  I told others, but he was the one I wanted to tell the most.  Often time when I do tell him something positive, I barely get a response, sometimes I get a negative response("Oh you got a B?  What happened to an A?"), and sometimes he will say good job.  UGH I hate this about me the most.

So there ya go...some insight into me...There is so much more because I am a complex person. I had to put this in a blog because it is running through my head, and I am sure no one wants to listen to me talk about myself in real life...so you, my dear bloggers, get the luck to listen to me ramble :)

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