Friday, February 15, 2008

My relationship with God

Well..I think I have a few new readers...and some are of the religous kind(for lack of a better term). I want to address my issues of religion.

This is a tough subject for a few reasons...1 is because of the subject matter(which you will see)...2 because it is a touchy subject.

Many years ago, I was a youth director...Highly involved in the church..and very close to God. This has changed over the years due to horrible situations. First before I go into the reasonings...I want to preface it by saying that I know that it wasnt God that did this..I know I shouldnt hold it against him...and I know that it is hard for some to understand.

I have told part of the story to my friend Amanda, and I want to tell the rest of the story..Ok maybe not the WHOLE rest of the story...but part of it.

I have been married twice. Many people do not know this, it is not something I'm proud of, but it is the fact. Legally it was twice...I dont like to count the second marriage because of how it was. But both marriages have jarred my relationship with God.

My first marriage, was to a man who meant well...but he had a very jaded view of God and how things should be. He did not show me this side until after we were married. He was very VERY religous. However religion became part of the cause of the downfall of our marriage. He would criticize me for watching Friends(which at the time was new), and Beverly Hills 90210. He said it was wrong views that should be shown on tv.(However, he loved Star Trek...didnt make sense to me what the difference was). I got criticized once because I finished off a half a can of beer that I was using in cooking. He almost treated me like I was an alcoholic. He would do things like posting a marriage certificate in the bathroom so that after we were taken from the earth..noone would break in and think that we were living in sin. He would donate money to end time prophecy shows...Bob Larson...and the like, plus the tithing to the church. This was an issue because we were not rich...and that money was difficult to lose. He did not want to have sex with me because he was not allowed to have visition of his son(from before he was saved), so he did not want anymore children. He felt that it was his mission in life to ridicule people into becoming saved...Needless to say I felt trapped in this marriage. I asked him to get couples counseling through the church, but not with the pastor that married us. By a neutral party, and he refused. Which ended our marriage. I could not handle living like a caged animal.

Second...my second marriage. The abuse that I posted about in my domestic violence post was done because it was my ex's responsibility according to the Bible to keep me in line. That it was his job to do whatever means he had to do to make sure I was obedient, because he was the head of the household. You can read that post for how bad it got...but it put another very bad taste in my mouth.

Finally...Sunrise is a result of a relationship that should not have happened...or should it have? I can NOT and will not repent for a sin that resulted in the most beautiful child in my life. When I went to a church to talk about this...I was pretty much ignored. When I needed to talk to someone the most, I was ignored..and it hurt, it hurt my heart that was already damaged by the thought of religion and God.

Maybe one day I will be able to go into a church without getting physically ill, but I do not look at that happening anytime soon.

So this is just to give you my very few readers into why I am the way I am...but please do not judge me for my lack of belief in the one you call God.

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