Barbara Walters is THAT stupid????

I normally do not watch the View, and today I accidentally ran across it, and now I know why I don't watch it.

The conversation was about Chris Brown and Rhianna.  The discussion at the point where I sprung out of bed and started screaming at the television was when Barbara Walters opened her mouth and said "First time his fault, second time your fault." WHAT THE HELL???  I never cared for her, but now I down right can't stand her!  She obviously is uneducated about domestic violence and the cycle of violence.  Come on Barbara...I'd love to talk to you about this, because I find that you are VERY uneducated and know NOTHING about it.

Do you want to know my 2 cents??? Well..since this is my blog...I'm going to tell you.  After all, that is why I type this blog right? LOL :)  I'm just teasing...but honestly this is the way it is.  I don't care if it is the first time, second time, or 100th time a man hits a woman, it is never EVER EVER her fault. (For the record...I am using her and him because that is the most usual battered person, a woman...but it can be reverse).  Over the years, when I tell my story...it is inevitable that someone will say, "Why didn't you just leave?"  or "It would have stopped if you would have left."   These are the stigmas associated of victims of domestic violence...but let me give a little lesson, so that I can be part of the education in domestic violence.  When women go back, they don't go back because they want to be beaten again, they go back for so many more reasons, that unless you have been in the situation, you will never understand.  Some of the reasons they go back is because they are promised the world....they are promised it will never happened again...their abuser becomes the person that they originally fell in love with again. Another reason they go back, is typically the abuser controls the money...so the victim has nothing, therefore (especially when the victim has kids) they feel that have to option since they have no money.  And on other reason is that often the victim has been alienated from friends and family...they have nowhere to go (other than shelters) and feel like the only home they can have is with the abuser.

I was reading some of the message boards on The View website..and one thing that was brought up was that people are ticked that Rhianna is being "punished" and being told she is not allowed to contact Chris...I believe this is to save her, not to punish her.  In fact, when I went before the judge in my protection order hearing...my ex was told that regardless if I started the contact or not, HE is responsible to stay away.  If I found him, HE had to leave.  For instance if he was at the local swimming place...and I walked in...HE had to leave.  Or if I called him, HE had to hang up on me.  My ex tried to fight it when she told him that, which was hillarious because his attorney told him to shut up...but he tried to say he was going to go to school too (where I was going at the time), and what if we were in the same building...that just isnt fair.  The judge looked at him and said "I SAID, if she is somewhere...YOU have to leave..no option". 

One final thing...a man should NEVER hit a woman, regardless if she did it or not.  He needs to leave.  Dr Phil said this before, and I believe this...but sometimes I wonder about it.  Though it is true that most of the time the abuser is a man...so I guess it seems to fit.  What do you think?

Repost of my domestic violence story

On Wednesday I will be a guest on the Cocktail Cafe show on the blog talk radio. The subject will be on domestic violence.  Since my readership has increased since the first time I posted this by quite a bit, I thought it would be good repost it in case it can help someone else.  Join us on Wednesday night at 9PM est.  

By the way there is a surprising update to the story in italics about half way down too. (actually I guess I shouldn't have been surprised)

Many or all of you do not know my history. But I have experience in domestic violence. I want to tell you a story of what happened to me, or at least the Reader's Digest version. I want to do this, because I hope to give someone courage to leave a domestic violent situation...and that no matter what they can do it.

This is going to be a long one!

I met my ex husband in April of 1999. He was the most attentive, wonderful, caring man I had ever met! I thought he was the man of my dreams. He loved my family..my family loved him! He had custody of his 4 kids because he told me that he rescued them from an abusive mother. Little did I know, he was the abusive one. She may have been abusive to the kids, I dont know, and will never know.

I saw the signs early, but didnt realize they were signs.

First, was his controlling behaviour. At the time I was living in Michigan...and he was in Ohio(where I am from). Often we would keep in contact online during the week and I would travel to Ohio on the weekend to spend it with him and his family. We were talking in a chat room with some of my other friends. I said something that upset him..and he got very snappy with me in the chat room. My girlfriend Karen said something to him about it and he told her to mind her own business. From that day on...I was not allowed to be friends with Karen.

One morning I woke up and checked my voicemail. He left me a message, a very angry one. He wanted to know where I was, and who I was with. When I talked to him later in the morning, he could not believe that when he called me I did not hear the phone ringing while I slept. Shortly after he asked me to move in. I am thinking, so he could keep an eye on me.

For the 5 months or so...things got worse by the day. I would get yelled at for nothing. I would have to stay up late with him because I wasnt allowed to go to bed without him...then I would have to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school. I would lay on the couch, and he would throw a fit. I was to come back to bed and rub either his back or feet. I was not allowed to fall back asleep. He would fall back asleep and if he woke up and I wasnt rubbing...Id get nudge to keep it up. He didnt work...well for very long anyways, which is whole other story. He was always looking for ways to scam the system. He eventually had an accident at work, that he was collecting workmans comp for. He supposedly hurt his back, but it never kept him from picking me up and throwing me against the wall or on the bed eventually.

The first time something physical happened...was totally bizarre. We got into an argument. I decided I needed a break. I went and got my coat on and was going to go for a drive. He pinned me up against the counter and wouldnt let me move or leave. Being that I felt trapped, I smacked him across the face. (which later Battered Women Services told me that this was a normal response). All hell broke loose after that. Without getting into the play by play...I was thrown against the wall, choked, thrown to the floor and smacked in the mouth(leaving a fat lip).

The worse beating I ever got was when I got smart with him. He grabbed me...threw me to the floor grabbed the front of my hair and started banging my head into the floor, he then picked me up and threw me on the bed, straddled my body(he was estimated to be around 350 lbs then)holding down my arms with his knees and punched me in the left eye. My eye was swollen shut for 4 days..and black and blue for 2 weeks.

The beatings were bad...but the name calling killed me more than that. There were times he would get in my face, yell at me, call me names...and in my mind I was begging him to just hit me and get it over with. I later found out that for most abused women...they feel the same things.

I left him 4 times before I left for good. There is a statistic that an abused woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. There was a cop that worked for my dad as a side job...he told me this and then he said to me "Dawn...dont make the average..". That will always stay in my mind.

Twice I stayed at the Battered Woman's Shelter...that was the most humbling experience in my life. Sure there were women there that really abused the system..but there were some there that just tore my heart strings. It wasnt the best of places to live...but it was such a relief to know that I wasnt going to be called names, or beaten. I learned alot in the shelter and it was the best thing I had ever done.

One thing I must say...the most dangerous time for a woman is after leaving an abuser. This is why it is important to go somewhere that an abuser doesnt know...such as a friends that the abuser doesnt know where they live, or a shelter. I found this out the hard way.

My ex still tried to court me after the last time I left him. He would ask me to meet him for dinner so I could sign a paper, or talk. I was stupid and did. He didnt do anything in these meetings, but what happened after I stopped them...is when things went bad.

Mother's Day 2002 he showed up at my parents where I was staying...and he had the kids. It was around 11PM! The kids brought me mother's day cards. Each which said that they missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home. That night..he stayed in the car while the kids gave me the cards and I gave each of them a hug. They went back to the car, and ex said he forgot to give them some mail I needed. So he got out of the car and came to the door. After the kids were out of ear shot...I gave him an ear full. I told him that I was really angry that he had sunk to a new low..and that I was filing for a divorce as soon as possible. It was over. He told me he was in counseling...blah blah blah. I told him to leave and walked in the house and shut the door in his face.

2 months later...I had started dating a wonderful guy. We had been dating a month. We went to a wedding and went to the bar. We came home and went into my room. It was July so the window was open. First, him and I had never had sex. We fooled around, but never did anything that could be called sex. I had a few to drink, so I was a little on the ummm horny side. I took off my dress and bent over and kissed him. Outside my bedroom window came my ex's voice "That is my wife you are fucking". My then boyfriend turned to the window and said, "what are you going to do about it". My ex said "Im going to fucking kill you.", he then punched through the window with what we think was a box cutter. Needless to say...911 was called and about 10 cop cars later.. they couldnt find him, because I did not know he had a new car.

2003 he finally turned himself in. He was found guilty of criminal damaging and menacing. He appealed and lost. He is still wanted, because he failed to show for sentencing.(His original sentence was 90 days, 60 days suspended with 30 served under house arrest. The 60 days were suspended as long as he had no contact with me or my then boyfriend. Oh btw..they tried to plea bargin with him..and the only reason he wouldnt take the plea was because he didnt want to pay for the screen and he didnt want the no contact stipulation.(How smart was he?LOL)

While he was in court for the charges, he was served with a temporary protection order...I had tried to get a protection order a few times, but he dodged service(answering the door and saying he was his cousin..and that he was in another state, etc.). With CPOs, if the person is not served...it is not in effect. Boy was he ticked that he got served! Later that year...I got my divorce finally(he dodged that service too), and the CPO hearing. He was going to fight the CPO but something happened on the way into the court room. His lawyer pulled him aside...they came in and said that they agreed to it. My attorney thinks that his lawyer said that he would not represent him in the appeal unless he agreed. This was the last time I saw him..

I still look over my shoulder, or if Im outside at my house and hear a sound in the woods, I still get scared. I worry Im going to run into him..but thankfully never have.

A leapord doesnt change his spots..and this is proof. During all these court hearings...he kept talking about his fiancee. I think to make me jealous...didnt work. I felt sorry for her.... About two months after all this ended...I was looking up stuff on the court site to see what was going on with him...She had filed a CPO against him too.

All this comes to head because..she contacted me. Turns out..he beat her too. She also told me that they were never engaged(she has since married), in fact...she never loved him. We traded stories..and so much was similar..good thing for her..she got out when she did.

There is soooo much more to the abuse. Threats against me and my family if I left. There were letters he sent to my family filled with lies and half truths(he wrote in the letter to my sister that I said my dad was having an affair, and that I was a prostitute a few years before...He told her that I said my mom was a druggie and alcoholic and was doing all this while she was prego with me...you get the picture). I am currently working on a book to detail many of the other things. I am hoping to colaborate with the girl he dated after me.

UPDATE: 2008-I received a letter from yet another victim of my ex.  She was unfortunate and married him after all too.  Even more unfortunate they had a child together.  He had the baby with him and was trying to convince the courts she was insane and incapable of raising a child. (He had made claims to everyone I knew that I was crazy, and had my psych convinced of this too..leading me to be on a ton of drugs.  I have since been cleared by the psych to be compeletly and totally insane...though some of my friends might argue! LOL j/k). She was asking for my help.  Since I now have a daughter, I was afraid that would put her in harms way. The only help I could offer her was emotional support, and anything in regards to courts, I could not do unless it was done anon. I have not heard from her since)

Ok...I hope you have gotten this far if you need to(if you dont need to..thanks for reading my ramblings). If you needed to read this..I wrote this because I want those of you to know that are in this situation...you can get out! They do not change. I know. I went back 3 times because he said he had changed.

If he has you feeling trapped because of money or transportation...there are ways around that. You can do it without him. He will not be the charming, loving guy you met...no matter how much you wish he will.

Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Please read this on their website about using the computer to look for helphttp://www.ndvh.org/help/warning.html. (I had used the library computer a few times)

You dont deserve to be abused. Whether it be physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Please make the call and be safe. If you have kids..dont let them grow up seeing this going on. Statistics show that they will likely grow up to be abusers, or be abused..because that is what they think is the "norm".

If nothing else..I hope I have helped at least one person

A HUGE leap of faith

Tomorrow, I am taking a huge leap of faith and trusting that my gut is right.  Tomorrow I am meeting Michelle.  This is a huge leap of faith for both of us.   Since both of us were beaten by the same man, there isn't much surprise, that I think both of us are nervous.

With the recent onslaught of events revolving around Chris, our emails have gotten more and more frequent.  She is really afraid for me.  Chris doesn't require anything from her, so she feels like she is safe.  But being the Chris as reached out to me...she is panicked that the ex will come after me again. I gotta be honest, now I am panicked.

But I regress...this meeting is going to be very hard.  Hard emotionally especially, because we have established such a kinship for going through the same things with the same man. I know that I am afraid a teeny tiny bit about what if she has hooked back up with him...but mostly because I am afraid to have to face some feelings that I have pushed down wayyyyyyyy deep for the past 4 years.  But I think in the end...it will be a relief.  I am prepared for tears...and probably an onslaught of more nightmares that have reoccured since the whole Chris thing has developed, but I think all will be well.

Wish us luck, that we will be able to resolve within ourselves some of the pain that we still live with day to day.

Domestic Violence...again

Sorry to bring this up..but there is much I want to say about this since it is being/was discussed on one of my favorite blogs(Im goin to keep the name of the blog to myself this time due to the sensitive topic).

If you dont need to read this, please feel free to skip it. I am just putting it out there for those that need to read it, and you never know...you might need some info later.

Some facts about domestic violence there are not all the facts..just some of them.
I use he..because that is what I know...I tried to change them all to he/she..but it just took too much work. Just know that abuse can be from a woman too.

• Verbal abuse is abuse! It can be as damaging, if not worse than physical abuse to an extent. I would sometimes beg in my head for my ex to stop screaming at me and calling me names..and just hit me to get it over with. I can still feel the feelings I had when he would call me names..but I do not remember the pain from when he hit me.
• Get out! For your safety, and for your kids(if applicable!). Trust me...if a child grows up in an abusive home, they will either repeat this cycle by being an abuser or being abused. It makes me sick to think of Sunrise going through what I went through.
• If he/she tells you your family told him that they want nothing to do with you...it is more than likely a lie. My ex used this to keep me there. I thought my parents thought I was the worse person on earth and that they wanted nothing to do with me...which made me feel like I had nowhere to go. Lies.
• There is more than likely government agencies in your area that can help you...you just need to swallow your pride an ask. Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)...they can direct you where to get help.
• Lack of money is no reason to stay. My ex took my money from me whenever I had it...so I wouldnt have anything of my own. When I got to the shelter, they gave me all the clothes I needed, not to mention all the personal items I needed.
• HE/SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER change! Dont think he/she will. Sure he/she was incredible when you met him/her, but think about it...would you have stayed if he/she was like he is now?? Of course not..and they know that.
• After you leave...see the previous bullet point. He will tell you he has...and he will even seek counseling...but that is just to get you back into his lair.
• When you leave....HIDE! Most domestic violence related deaths happen after the abused has left. The abuser has no more control, so he loses it and will do anything to make you know it.
• YOU CAN DO BETTER! YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU ARE BETTER! What he says that you are..Not true. You do not deserve what he does to you. My ex used to tell me that I was useless..and that I needed him.
• YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! My ex had me so convinced I was insane that he was trying to get me committed when I left. Not to mention all the meds he got my psych to give me just by him going to my appointments and exaggerating things that I told him. (Like...sometimes I could get so angry I could scream at my then stepson...he would turn it around to say that I wanted to beat him or something..which I would have NEVER done).
• Just because he doesnt hit you...doesnt mean it isnt abuse. I knew a lady who was emotionally abused(never struke once)...Untle he pushed her out a 2nd story window..and beat her with a board. She is now a parapalegic...and will never walk again. It all changed in 30 seconds.
• Have an escape plan...have a bag packed that contains important information, birth certificates, legal papers..etc...If you have to give it to someone to keep for when you do escape..then do so.
• Abuse knows no age or relationship. Teens to the elderly are getting abused. There was a woman in her 70s at the shelter..she was black and blue...and her wounds were caused by her son. There are many teens being abused now...
• LEGAL AID! I received legal aid in assiting me get my restraining order, and my divorce. It didnt cost me anything. In my area they have court advocates who will help you get your restraining order...and divorce. When I got my restraining order and divorce...my advocate was there. In fact, they court looks more highly on someone with a advocate, then someone without(at least in my county)..because that means that it has to be true and you are more than likely honest to be able to humble yourself and ask for help. I was involved in a trial with my ex for the damage he did...she was there....When I filed the papers to get the restraining order...she helped me fill them out. During my restraining order hearing, I sat between her and my attorney...and she would touch me every so often to remind me that she was there(when you are in a room with the man that has beaten you...I dont care who is there also, you are still scared shitless that he is going to jump the table and come after you). When I needed her in the beginning of the trial..the DA called her immediatly and she rushed right over to escort me over to the domestic courts to get my papers for the restraining order, so they could be served after the jury was escorted out to deliberate...(previous attempts to serve him were unsuccessful..he hid from service).
• More importantly...love yourself to get yourself out...you deserve more. There is a love out there that you can truly accept.
• And the day you leave...CELEBRATE IT!!! every year! I do...10/21/01 was my Independence day..and that is what I call it!

I am putting my blog on moderated comments so that if anyone needs to talk to me..they can comment and give me their email address, or even a phone number if they want me to call and the comment will not show on the blog(I will delete it, as to keep anonimity). Chances are...what you are experiencing, I have experienced(Maybe not specifically..but at least generally). The emotions, fears, questions...those I am SURE that I have experienced because you would be surprised how much of this, we victims go through the same!

Demons always come back to haunt you..

Am I the only person in the world..who writes several posts in one night? I did this because there were a few that deserved their own posts...so please bare with me on the multiple posts tonight..

I have had a heavy heart today..I'm conflicted on so many levels.



As some of you have read in my domestic violence post, I have had a lot happen to me in my marriage. This post only touched on a lot of it.



The lady that contacted me, that dated my ex(who we shall call Demon), and I have discussed writing a book. Starting with my story...and ending with hers. As you can tell, I am not a very good writer, so this is my first hurdle. The second hurdle is that I don't even know where to start. Finally the third hurdle is...I'm afraid of opening wounds. Wounds that up until now have not been opened since I left Demon the last time.


I am seeing a therapist for depression and post traumatic stress disorder. She has told me that when I tell the stories of things that has happened, that I tell them in a reporter, matter of factily type of way..which would help with writing the story..but I tell these stories like this because I do not "feel" the way I should. I havent really dealt with the feelings whole heartedly, and I am afraid to feel the feelings that come with surviving domestic violence. This is my first issue of conflicting feelings. I need to decide whether I am willing to risk opening those wounds to try to heal myself...and more importantly help others.



Second conflicting feeling is that I have paperwork..tons and tons of paper work. From when I left my ex at the beginning: cards, love letters, promises of changes, you know...all the boohoo I did you wrong stuff. And I also have paperwork from after he found my then boyfriend in my bedroom: the nasty letters, the pretending to be me in pm's to friends, the nasty letter to my sister telling lies, half truths, and very personal truths to my sister. Also, I have in this case, some diary type items where I tell my thoughts, feelings and fears about the whole ordeal. I found this paperwork as I tried to do some more clean sweeping of my bedroom(SNOW WHY ARENT YOU HERE HELPING???). I look at it, and think...I need to get rid of this...This is my past, this is like holding onto my past for no good reason...he is out of your life completely and has been for 5 years legally and 7 years since I left him. Time to let it go.....BUT then I think hmmm...but it reminds me what I came through. How I survived...what I endured...things that should make me strong. Not to mention it would help with the book, I think. So here I sit..looking at this stuff, trying to decide...do I shred it...do I burn it...do I pack it up and put it in storage..do I keep it at hand like I have for the past 5-7 years...I just cant decide what to do.



I guess I am looking for someone to give me a difinitive answer..but I know, noone can answer this but myself, and that royally SUCKS!



Question for you readers...Dont worry, I know you dont know what to do with this stuff, so Im not asking you that...My question is...What do you think about a book that is about a woman enduring domestic violence...and then a story of another woman suffering by the same hands of the demon..and them meeting to form a relationship that would help them both recover(for a lack of a better term). Especially those of you who are writers..or have a literature background...How does that sound to you?? I know it isn't a book most of you would pick up and go "hmmmm I think this sounds like a good book to read." So I'm just looking for a concept opinion.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month...

Not to take away from Breast Cancer awareness...but October is also Domestic Violence awareness month.

Many or all of you do not know my history. But I have experience in domestic violence. I want to tell you a story of what happened to me, or at least the Reader's Digest version. I want to do this, because I hope to give someone courage to leave a domestic violent situation...and that no matter what they can do it.

This is going to be a long one!

I met my ex husband in April of 1999. He was the most attentive, wonderful, caring man I had ever met! I thought he was the man of my dreams. He loved my family..my family loved him! He had custody of his 4 kids because he told me that he rescued them from an abusive mother. Little did I know, he was the abusive one. She may have been abusive to the kids, I dont know, and will never know.

I saw the signs early, but didnt realize they were signs.

First, was his controlling behaviour. At the time I was living in Michigan...and he was in Ohio(where I am from). Often we would keep in contact online during the week and I would travel to Ohio on the weekend to spend it with him and his family. We were talking in a chat room with some of my other friends. I said something that upset him..and he got very snappy with me in the chat room. My girlfriend Karen said something to him about it and he told her to mind her own business. From that day on...I was not allowed to be friends with Karen.

One morning I woke up and checked my voicemail. He left me a message, a very angry one. He wanted to know where I was, and who I was with. When I talked to him later in the morning, he could not believe that when he called me I did not hear the phone ringing while I slept. Shortly after he asked me to move in. I am thinking, so he could keep an eye on me.

For the 5 months or so...things got worse by the day. I would get yelled at for nothing. I would have to stay up late with him because I wasnt allowed to go to bed without him...then I would have to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school. I would lay on the couch, and he would throw a fit. I was to come back to bed and rub either his back or feet. I was not allowed to fall back asleep. He would fall back asleep and if he woke up and I wasnt rubbing...Id get nudge to keep it up. He didnt work...well for very long anyways, which is whole other story. He was always looking for ways to scam the system. He eventually had an accident at work, that he was collecting workmans comp for. He supposedly hurt his back, but it never kept him from picking me up and throwing me against the wall or on the bed eventually.

The first time something physical happened...was totally bizarre. We got into an argument. I decided I needed a break. I went and got my coat on and was going to go for a drive. He pinned me up against the counter and wouldnt let me move or leave. Being that I felt trapped, I smacked him across the face. (which later Battered Women Services told me that this was a normal response). All hell broke loose after that. Without getting into the play by play...I was thrown against the wall, choked, thrown to the floor and smacked in the mouth(leaving a fat lip).

The worse beating I ever got was when I got smart with him. He grabbed me...threw me to the floor grabbed the front of my hair and started banging my head into the floor, he then picked me up and threw me on the bed, straddled my body(he was estimated to be around 350 lbs then)holding down my arms with his knees and punched me in the left eye. My eye was swollen shut for 4 days..and black and blue for 2 weeks.

The beatings were bad...but the name calling killed me more then that. There were times he would get in my face, yell at me, call me names...and in my mind I was begging him to just hit me and get it over with. I later found out that for most abused women...they felt the same things.

I left him 4 times before I left for good. There is a statistic that an abused woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. There was a cop that worked for my dad as a side job...he told me this and then he said to me "Dawn...dont make the average..". That will always stay in my mind.

Twice I stayed at the Battered Woman's Shelter...that was the most humbling experience in my life. Sure there were women there that really abused the system..but there were some there that just tore my heart strings. It wasnt the best of places to live...but it was such a relief to know that I wasnt going to be called names, or beaten. I learned alot in the shelter and it was the best thing I had ever done.

One thing I must say...the most dangerous time for a woman is after leaving an abuser. This is why it is important to go somewhere that an abuser doesnt know...such as a friends that the abuser doesnt know where they live, or a shelter. I found this out the hard way.

My ex still tried to court me after the last time I left him. He would ask me to meet him for dinner so I could sign a paper, or talk. I was stupid and did. He didnt do anything in these meetings, but what happened after I stopped them...did things get bad.

Mother's Day 2002 he showed up at my parents where I was staying...with the kids. It was around 11PM! The kids brought me mother's day cards. Each which said that they missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home. That night..he stayed in the car while the kids gave me the cards and I gave each of them a hug. They went back to the car, and ex said he forgot to give them some mail I needed. So he got out of the car and came to the door. After the kids were out of ear shot...I gave him an ear full. I told him that I was really angry that he had sunk to a new low..and that I was filing for a divorce as soon as possible. It was over. He told me he was in counseling...blah blah blah. I told him to leave and walked in the house and shut the door in his face.

2 months later...I had started dating a wonderful guy. We had been dating a month. We went to a wedding and went to the bar. We came home and went into my room. It was July so the window was open. First, him and I had never had sex. We fooled around, but never did anything that could be called sex. I had a few to drink, so I was a little on the ummm horny side. I took off my dress and bent over and kissed him. Outside my bedroom window came my ex's voice "That is my wife you are fucking". My then boyfriend turned to the window and said, "what are you going to do about it". My ex said "Im going to fucking kill you.", he then punched through the window with what we think was a box cutter. Needless to say...911 was called about 10 cop cars later.. they couldnt find him.

2003 he finally turned himself in. He was found guilty of criminal damaging and menacing. He appealed and lost. He is still wanted, because he failed to show for sentencing.(His original sentence was 90 days, 60 days suspended with 30 served under house arrest. The 60 days were suspended as long as he had no contact with me or my then boyfriend. Oh btw..they tried to plea bargin with him..and the only reason he wouldnt take the plea was because he didnt want to pay for the screen and he didnt want the no contact stipulation.(How smart was he?LOL)

While he was in court for the charges, he was served with a temporary protection order...I had tried to get a protection order a few times, but he dodged service(answering the door and saying he was his cousin..and that he was in another state, etc.). With CPOs, if the person is not served...it is not in effect. Boy was he ticked that he got served! Later that year...I got my divorce finally(he dodged that service too), and the CPO hearing. He was going to fight the CPO but something happened on the way into the court room. His lawyer pulled him aside...they came in and said that they agreed to it. My attorney thinks that his lawyer said that he would not represent him in the appeal unless he agreed. This was the last time I saw him..

I still look over my shoulder, or if Im outside at my house and hear a sound in the woods, I still get scared. I worry Im going to run into him..but thankfully never have.

A leapord doesnt change his spots..and this is proof. During all these court hearings...he kept talking about his fiancee. I think to make me jealous...didnt work. I felt sorry for her.... About two months after all this ended...I was looking up stuff on the court site to see what was going on with him...She had filed a CPO against him too.

All this comes to head because..she contacted me. Turns out..he beat her too. She also told me that they were never engaged(she has since married), in fact...she never loved him. We traded stories..and so much was similar..good thing for her..she got out when she did.

There is soooo much more to the abuse. Threats against me and my family if I left. There were letters he sent to my family filled with lies and half truths(he wrote in the letter to my sister that I said my dad was having an affair, and that I was a prostitute a few years before...He told her that I said my mom was a druggie and alcoholic and was doing all this while she was prego with me...you get the picture). I am currently working on a book to detail many of the other things. I am hoping to colaborate with the girl he dated after me.

Ok...I hope you have gotten this far if you need to(if you dont need to..thanks for reading my ramblings). If you needed to read this..I wrote this because I want those of you to know that are in this situation...you can get out! They do not change. I know. I went back 3 times because he said he had changed.

If he has you feeling trapped because of money or transportation...there are ways around that. You can do it without him. He will not be the charming, loving guy you met...no matter how much you wish he will.

Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Please read this on their website about using the computer to look for help http://www.ndvh.org/help/warning.html. (I had used the library computer a few times)

You dont deserve to be abused. Whether it be physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Please make the call and be safe. If you have kids..dont let them grow up seeing this going on. Statistics show that they will likely grow up to be abusers, or be abused..because that is what they think is the "norm".

If nothing else..I hope I have helped at least one person.