A&P is kicking my butt..or am I doing it?

And it hurts!  However, when I think about it, I think I'm kicking my own butt! 

I want sooooo bad to get all A's in school.  So bad, that I think I am being too hard on myself, but I can not get out of the A mindset. 

For instance, I studied my butt off for this test today.  I felt like I was ready to ace it! Got to class, and took it. 

I walked out of there and felt like a freaking truck hit me.  Everyone else did too.  In fact, when we returned after the test was over(those of us that finished it before the hour was up, were allowed to leave for the remaining time), we had a mutiny.  The test was HARD, there were things on the test that she said weren't and things she said would be weren't.  I was sure that I failed it.  There were questions that I left blank.  I could not even come up with something that sounded right.  I was so freaking disappointed in myself.

Well..just checked the grade online and I got an 85.  That just isn't good enough.  I know it is.  I know it is a great grade, especially when the average was a 61...but I just feel like a failed.  She probably could have giving me a 50 and I still would feel the same. Like a failure.

I don't know why I am so hell bent on getting all A's.  Yes it is something that is good to have, but shouldn't a B be good enough if I tried my hardest?  Why can't I accept this?

I think that all of my failures in life(or if your a half full type of person..."life lessons"), has caused me to worry about being perfect, and it is so disappointing that I am not.  Not that I think that I am...but I want to be, and that is a crazy dream.