It's That time again...

Time for the old PMS to kick in...at least that is what I hope.  Started feeling really down today that I have noone to bitch to, then I thought "Hey...those that do read my blog...I'll bitch to them. "  Aren't you the lucky ones?? LOL

Just a couple of things that I need to get off my chest.

1. I am beginning to really think I have something wrong with me health wise, but I won't go see a doctor unless the symptoms are objective so I sit here scared. I don't want to go to the doctor and tell them the things that I have going wrong, because I have an intense fear that I won't be believed.  This goes back to my childhood when I used to overexaggerate certain pains to get attention.  I stopped this years ago when it finally hit me that it wasn't the attention I wanted to get.  I mostly stopped doing this around 7th or 8th grade, but now I FEAR being thought of as trying to get attention since the Monster stripped all sense of my thought processes away from me. Some of the subjective(symptoms that can not be seen by someone else. This is opposed to objective when can be observed by others, such as vital signs, etc) symptoms I have are forgetfulness, tiredness, short dizzy spells, lack of concentration, irritableness (this one could be the PMS), some other vague things...but the biggest one that scared me is the other day the fingers on my left hand fell asleep for no reason for about 5 minutes. All these things together..make me real nervous. First, I was in the hospital about 2 weeks ago for pneumonia/exasperation of asthma for about 5 days...and second, I have 2 cousins with MS. Maybe I sound like a hypochondriac, but I sure don't feel like one about this stuff.  It is no secret that I have bad health issues...but I so don't want to go and complain to the doctor about this stuff to be told it is probably nothing, yet, I also do not want to go through a bunch of tests to be told it is nothing, because THEN it WILL look like I am trying to get attention. It is an exhaustive circle!

2. People in my class are driving me INSANE! It just seems that they choose to distract me.  Now, I know they aren't choosing to do it, but they do. I have catageroized them...

We have:
Chatty Cathys-  Sometimes they talk about the subject at hand, maybe someone is asking their neighbor for clarification or whatever, but it is right in the middle of the instructor talking, and often explaining it further...then to REALLY piss me off...the people that were talking, will ask a question that the instructor had said while they were talking!  This often reminds me of something I had heard in Psych nursing.  It was a recording of what it sounds like to someone with Schizophrenia..and the voices in their heads.

Three Hole Punch Theresas-reorganize their notebooks AND 3 hole punch while the instructor is talking...(this happened tonight by someone that normally doesn't do it...Click...CLUNK....CLICK....CLUNK...SHUFFLE...CLUNK

Heidi Highlight-Some people will highlight their power point slides with 6 different colors (for different things I guess...but I don't understand that, because I'd be concentrating too much on which color I should be using instead of what is being said..but whatever works for them)...this would not bother me but they take the lid off...highlight...click the lid back on...set it down(not drop it, but certainly not lay it down quietly)...pick up the next color...click the lid off highlight...click it back on...set it down...Now if it it was here and there...then that would be one thing, but I think they highlight EVERYTHING so that it fits into their color coding...so it is LITERALLY click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap...click...scrape...click...tap...  Over and OVER again...constantly. Now in their defense..today for some reason instead of stewing over it like I normally do...I said something to the Heidi Highlight and Three Hole Punch Theresa and they actually acknowledged my pain...but the one girl that normally does the hole punching and reorganizing

Better Than You Betty-Who feels that she knows it all, and knows why you are having problems, and will tell you what you are doing wrong in your studies.  She will even tell you that she doesn't care if the 75% of the people like a movie, song, television show...that movie, song, television show is terrible!  As if she is the authority on what is good and what is bad.  She even told me that my whole problem with studying is using outside sources to help clarify things for myself.

Cold Cates-Who may or may not be included in any of the other groups.  These are the girls who feel that the room is always...FREEZING.  What I would like to say to the Cates in the world..."I know you know that I have breathing problems at times, that is often exasperated by heat, and I know that you know that there are several of us older women in the class who get hot real bad...but it is much easier for you to put a sweater/jacket/or hoodie on then it is for me to take my clothes off.  Ok actually it may or may not be easier...but trust me dear..you don't wanna see this body naked. Please do not turn up the heat.  What's that?  You 'd don't want to put a sweater on because it is summer??  Well guess what...I don't wanna show my tits to you at all"

Anal Retentive Annie- who is constantly shuffling through her book, her notes, and anything else she has to find reference to what the teacher is talking about.  Let's not mention the post it tabs she puts on every book..during class for each chapter. (All color coordinated and lined up JUST so)

Then Finally...the worse offender of making me wanna pull out a 3 inch 3 ring binder and clobbering someone with it..is Know It All Nelly...This girl has something to say about EVERYTHING.  All during clinical she commented on everything, and often things that had nothing to do with anything.  I was on my last straw...and when I saw the end in sight yesterday that I was finally getting away from her for a few days...I made the mistake of making a comment.  What comment could I possibly say that I thought was "safe" that Know It All Nelly would not have anything to say anything about it you might ask?.... It was... "Over by that yellow truck is where most of us are parked."  To which she replied... "Is that your yellow truck Josh??  My son LOVES yellow trucks...Everytime he is sees a yellow truck he says blah blah blah(at this point I had an aneurysm and didn’t hear the rest she had to say"

Yeah..no cares in the world to anyone but themself.  Now I could get anal and say that those that sit there and text constantly during class distract me some too...but, I think that is CERTAINLY mostly my pettiness because the texting isn't really that loud or distracting, it is just all the movement. 

Having bitched about all these people makes me feel better...I know none of them are meaning bad to me..but I have to bitch to someone..so you get it :)

 

Yes..these are the people that I enjoy in my day to day life at school....and the things that annoy the hell out of me...During PMS.

I suck.....

Alternate title...Happy Mother's Day! (I'm trying to get that in because I know there is one person looking for an update..)

Yes I am still alive.  Things have been so freaking crazy that I really don't know what end is up.  I have no excuse for not writing, other than my face is plastered to Med Surg books and care plans.

So here I go again with an update...are you not sick of my updates?? I know I am!  And apparently so is my former sponsors who have dropped me from their list(for good reason!).

 

Last term was HELL!  I am not just saying that for me, I am saying that for everyone in the class.  It was the toughest one yet.  In fact, we lost 8 people from failing.  That is 8 out of 24!  Ummmm....1/3...33.33333333%.  So you can imagine how my life centered around school and all things medical.  But, I pulled through with a B, so that is all that counts, right?

This term is not as hard as far as learning (at least not yet), but we have projects coming out the anal canal that each of us has.  But the real bad part is...I have truly lost my drive.  I have lost ever give in me.  I need to find that drive back, but not sure how. I am working on that.

During my 1 week break from school, I took a vacation.  Yes...a bonified, fly in a plane vacation to the beach.  I had been in contact with a former..hmmm...how do I put this...friend with benefit.  We haven't seen each other in 7 years, so for those doing the math, he is NOT Brooke(yes I am just outing my daughter's name now) father.  I do not know how many times I have been asked this before we left, but I'm just going to get it out there.

Now...I'm probably going to get myself into trouble because he has read my blog once at least, but I will put a little bit about our vacation. 

Brooke & I flew to Wilmington NC for 4 days.  We spent 3 of these days at the beach, which I got the worse sunburn ever.  I ended up at the doctors back home because the pain and various colors was just not sitting well with my nursing instructor.  Thank goodness all that was required were steroid  creams and pain meds.  Today all is well with a little bit of left over skin shedding...I just LOVE to peel my skin. LOL

Our trip was far from relaxing.  I let Brooke run the beach as much as I could because I knew she was so in love with it...that I did not want to take that away from her.  Plus I knew that for the next 6 months left of school...she would not be doing a whole lot of getting out.  I did nothing but chase her and keep her from drowning under the waves.  She loved the beach...and the seashells. *sigh* I am glad she was happy but it exhausted me. 

This was the first day at the beach.  The water was freezing, but my child didn't care.  Ummm yeah...which means I had to NOT care because I had to go in after her.

70 degree water is cold!

 

 

 

She was a very good girl.  I was so worried how she was going to react to the plane ride, but she was a trooper....Never cried once or even got scared!  She got mad at me because she wanted to color during take off...but she got over it quickly.

Here she is at the Charlotte airport waiting for our connecting flight...what a great girl!

 

 

 

 

I love her crooked smile.  She always has it when she is up to something!

 

 

 

So to answer anyone before asking...There is a reason is was a friend with benefit...and there was a reason for the former friend with benefits.  No romance, no sex, no love...so don't even ask.

I am going to update more...I promise...I need to just do it. LOL  Not to mention fix the code now.

Oh how I miss you all.  I have read all the engagments and new guys...You all are so lucky.  I hope everything and the best for you!!! I am off... I need to be on the psych floor by 7AM...(and no I am not being admitted......YET).

"Excuse me sir...but where is UP??"

That is what I feel like lately.  I feel like I am slipping into depression again, and I know the reasons, but unfortunatly for me, depression is a vicious cycle.

My depression is not what people who have never experienced depression THINK that it is.  My depression is characterized simply by the loss of desire to do ANYTHING.  Which really sucks when you are in nursing school.  Let me tell you.

My depression also is characterized by easily overwhelmed.  Take for instance, today, I came home from open lab, with complete plans to study for the rest of the day.  No go...I laid on the couch and fell asleep to endless episodes of Max & Ruby, Blue's Clues, Little Bill, and Pinky Dinky Doo...(have I said lately how much I love my cable??)

So at one point, I decided it was time to crawl off the sofa and sit at the computer and start to go through my reader to check out what everyone has been doing in their lives since I have gone into this depression......only to find well over 1,500 posts that I have not read!! HOW THE HELL?????  I check the date...and there staring me in the face was the last date that I read blogs...January 24th....JANUARY 24th...DID YOU SEE THAT??? That is over 2 weeks of not reading blogs...So I read through all my single mom blogs haphhazardly...and decided I really needed to do something about this.

So...I am going to have to do a catagory a day, plus writing more, and studying...I need to carve this time out for myself.

Since the whole Harry and Shirley thing...I am like....REALLY horney...Damnit!  How does one get over that??  Sure I could call them...but not my bag of tea...so instead...I look to my dear old BOB.  LOLOLOLOL

2 more weeks and the semester is over..and maybe then I can get my shit together and figure out what end is up......in the mean time....Could someone PLEASE point me the way???

More apologizes

I am kinda away this last week and this weekend.  I have finals Monday and Tuesday, and with one of my finals worth 50% of my grade, I must study.

But I am doing well so far, so hopefully it rubs off onto my exams!

Thinking Like a nurse...

(Please forgive this and the other following posts I post tonight..they maybe long winded, because I am sitting here high on Vicodin for a bad toothache I have...)

Tonight, I am sitting here with a bad toothache and a ton of things running through my mind, hence to more than one post today this early morning.

One thing that is coming to my mind is my fellow students. I feel bad for most of them.  They are having a very hard time with our nursing class. Half of them received interim reports stating that they are failing our class. Yes...50% of them. It isn't hard to fail the class, because a 76% is failing for the nursing classes.  I feel bad for them, but I am relieved that I am not one of them. We have had 3 quizzes and so far I have received an 88, 90 and a 90. I do not know how I do it, but I do. I'm very good at critical thinking, which is very important for nurses to have. I may not completely know the answer to the questions, but I have a keen ability of deductive reasoning..and I can see both sides of every answer to figure out which one it is...I invited one of my classmates over for a study session this weekend to try and help her out. I need to get even better scores on the last 2 quizzes because our final, is worth 50% of our grade! I need that padding, so I won't be too stressed taking the final.  I am going to prepare hard for it, but I am afraid stress will make me both cranky/angry, depressed, and I am afraid I will blank out if I stress too much.

Anyways..So tonight after Sunrise finally went to sleep...My toothache kicked in, I took Vicodin and for some reason I can not sleep. So I pulled out a good novel my drug guide...and started reading about every drug I have taken, Sunrise has taken, or that is on the list of things to try, which was sad in itself...but do you know what is worse??  I ENJOYED IT! LOL I mean really...who reads a drug guide to try and fall asleep?? Now I am getting ready to watch videos on some procedures we have to do in lab tomorrow. Yes, I am going to watch a video on how to give a bed bath. LOL  Earlier...I watched the videos on how to do catheters..and it was completely for education purpose, not to take a peek at a penis, which it has been a while since I have seen. (UGH and it is driving me freaking CRAZY! LOL)

Well..I think I am going to read a blog or two, maybe read some nursing boards, and watch some procedures. Wow I am pathetic! LOL

For the record...

The test that I thought I failed yesterday, I got an 82.  <sigh> But I'm still not happy. Though the average was a 77. I am relieved that I didn't fail it....but....

My therapist will be disappointed in me. I am such a perfectionist in some things(like my grades), that it sometimes brings me down if I dont meet my own expectations I know that 82 is good(even though a 76 would be failing because that is how nursing school works usually...lol)but it is just not good enough.

Of course, this comes from my dad.  For example...a test I had last semester, he asked what I got...and I said...87 and his response was....Ohhhhh you just missed it.

School Rudeness

It is sad in society we have a bunch of rude people.  I think 90% of them go to my school. 

It is no secret that I have low tolerance for morons.  I'm ready to blow at school, so ignore me while I rant about the morons in one of my classes.

I currently am taking pharmacology.  This class is shoved in 6 weeks and we need to know this stuff if we do not want to kill someone.  In our class there are Medical Assistant students and Medical billing and coding students.  These two programs tend to draw the less desirables.   Now I posted about this on a message boards for nurses  and I got flamed big time because people felt I was being judgmental..and maybe I am, but it is with cause, though I found out Friday there is one nursing student who fits into that category.

A little history.  My program has it so that you come in with a group of people, and pretty much you stay with that same group through the program(excluding classes that may have transferred, etc). So I have gotten to know the people in my group pretty well.  Well our group was put with another group of nursing students for this class, and a bunch of these undesirables.

First let me say that not ALL of the MA and BC students are like this..many of them are there to learn, but the ones that aren't sure stand out.  They feel it is their right to come and go as they please in class, to be disruptive, and even sometimes answer their cell phones in the middle of class.  9 times out of 10 they are MA BC students.  It is very distracting.  The ones that are there are there because they are forced to be because of the Welfare to work program.  As long as they are in school, they will continue to receive their checks.  So if they don't get a passing grade, they have to retake it, which means they get to be on welfare longer. I know this for a fact, many of them are very open about it.  As a person getting some assistance, and will be getting even more when I quit my job because of school, I can complain without being judgmental. 

The latest one though was a nursing student to my surprise. What makes it worse, it appears she is with our group, and I will have to put up with her until she fails out, and yes she will fail out. At the end of the class we were going over the answers to our homework.  We got down to the last 2 questions and she shouts out..."34 is 1,000 ml, and 35 is 5 ml...We are done, let's go".  I turned around thinking it HAD to be a MA or BC student, but T behind me says "Dawn she was in our orientation...she had all her A&P classes and med term...remember?" Which translate to that she will be joining us for our next term.  After class, those in my group were discussing it.  First, if she is going to rush a class...what is she going to do when she is nursing?? I dont want her to be my nurse!  Then K said that she has been very laid back so far, but soon as we start Nursing Fund 1, she will no longer be laid back, because she doesn't want to kill a person when she starts working.  I agree totally.  Honestly, I hope K does go off on her, because I'll be behind her pumping my fist in the air saying "YEAH! What she said!"  because though I have low tolerance I let things fester, instead of expressing them...but I think this girl is going to change that real fast.

Ok..done with my rant...just thought I would blow off some steam! LOL   Ohhh and btw...the instructor is addressing this.  She stated when the girl said this that she had NOT dismissed class and it will be dismissed when she says it is.  On our class website, she stated that the rules will be gone over again on Friday and the in and out of class and disruptions will NOT be tolerated and people will not be passed if she feels they are not ready to pass meds.  GOOD FOR HER!  First instructor I have had that is standing her ground!

A&P is kicking my butt..or am I doing it?

And it hurts!  However, when I think about it, I think I'm kicking my own butt! 

I want sooooo bad to get all A's in school.  So bad, that I think I am being too hard on myself, but I can not get out of the A mindset. 

For instance, I studied my butt off for this test today.  I felt like I was ready to ace it! Got to class, and took it. 

I walked out of there and felt like a freaking truck hit me.  Everyone else did too.  In fact, when we returned after the test was over(those of us that finished it before the hour was up, were allowed to leave for the remaining time), we had a mutiny.  The test was HARD, there were things on the test that she said weren't and things she said would be weren't.  I was sure that I failed it.  There were questions that I left blank.  I could not even come up with something that sounded right.  I was so freaking disappointed in myself.

Well..just checked the grade online and I got an 85.  That just isn't good enough.  I know it is.  I know it is a great grade, especially when the average was a 61...but I just feel like a failed.  She probably could have giving me a 50 and I still would feel the same. Like a failure.

I don't know why I am so hell bent on getting all A's.  Yes it is something that is good to have, but shouldn't a B be good enough if I tried my hardest?  Why can't I accept this?

I think that all of my failures in life(or if your a half full type of person..."life lessons"), has caused me to worry about being perfect, and it is so disappointing that I am not.  Not that I think that I am...but I want to be, and that is a crazy dream.

Quck update on school...

I know you all have been dying on how school is going....Muhahahahaha LOL

So figured I'd do a real quick update.

1st we had a class that only lasted one day..it was student success seminar which had some work and a paper attached to it. I am proud to say that I got an A...Not just any A...I got a perfect score! Before you are impressed....it wasn't hard to get a perfect score...LOL

Second Medical Terminology...nothing going on in there yet except I have over 200 words and abbreviations to learn in the next 5 weeks...

And third and final..UGHHHH Anatomy and Physiology. Who created this subject and why are they trying to torture us?? LOL It wouldnt be that bad...but remember we have a whole semester(16 weeks) of work stuffed into 8 weeks. Also, I am not going into details because I got my ass ripped over at allnurses.com about this subject...but there are many distracting people in this class(and not in a good way either!). We have had two tests...and both I have walked out with an 88. Solid B+. I am not happy with this...I have a goal of straight A's damnit!!!!

So...I only get to get online here and there and sporatically(mostly when I am at work)...so I get a little lost on many things, unless it has to do with chemistry,cells, skin, membranes, and the skeleton(next week muscles!....YAY!! LOL). Yes I have learned all about all these things in hmmmm 2-1/2 weeks. I mean ALL about these subjects...not just glancing over the material either. For instance....those 88's I got on my tests...yeah..the average score of the class was a 48 & 49...so I have been busting my ass studying.

And now Im off to memorize the layers of epidermas and the difference between them...UGHHHHHH, and if I really feel like it..I may go over membranes a little more too. (BTW did you know that Jello is made of hooves of cows and horses and other things that you dont wanna know...check it out on snopes if you don't believe me)

Enrolled...and ready to roll

Today I finally got everything done I needed to to get enrolled in school. Financial aid...check. Filling out 3 applications...check. Paying $100 for enrollment fees...check. Signed 3,000 pieces of paper...check. Received schedule...check.

Now the real tough decision has to come. I am getting some extra left over after financial aid pays the school. Though I am not sure it will be enough to live each semester, but it is something. Then again, I think it is possible, just wont be able to do anything...and I will have to give up the frozen coffees :( Now the next thing is to tell my boss tomorrow. I need to give her the decision of cutting my hours from 30 to 16ish. I dont know how she is going to go for this. It could go either way. Either she says...Ok, or "I really need someone here for 30 hours". That is for the first 2 months...The next 2 months, it might even be less. I am ok with whatever decision she makes. I kinda would like to not work at all...but, I could use a little extra cash too.(and it will REALLY be a little bit of cash...because it turns out non profits don't pay very well...who'da thunk it?). After the third semester, I believe I will be able to apply as a student nurse technician(it is after the first rotation of clinicals). When Sunrise was in the hospital the nurse told me that it pays decent..and they work with your school schedule. This would be awesome! So then life will become a little easier then(though not as easy as when I get out of school). It will also give me some experience, and a foot in the door at the hospital.

The grant fell through that I was trying for. Apparently they ran out of funds. They get the funds in July, but (and here is the kicker) if I am already enrolled...then I no longer qualified...WTH? So...starting this weekend...Im going to apply for a bunch of scholarships if I can find some. Every little bit will help!

So we will see tomorrow how she takes it, and whether I am going to be making no money for awhile.

Everything is up in the air...

First, that great grant program I told you about..On hold.. Apparently my county doesn't just accept schools that approved by the state. Since I have an inside contact from work with the program, they are going to get a hold of the school and try to work with them to getting it approved by the county. I guess this is ok, because I may not get to start..which leads to my next up in the air item...

I may not be able to start school in May as planned. This school is more like a private small school. You can not just schedule classes when they fit in your schedule. You take the classes as a group that you enter with. Don't worry though(not that you all are..lol), I am still considered part of this class, but due to some circumstances I may not be able to start with my class. The circumstance is simple though. Since I already have a degree, I have many of the prereqs already complete. They are going to go through everything that everyone has, and try to make it so that they have at least 6 hours so everyone can start together, but it may not be possible. I will find out April 9th. If I dont start May, then I will more than likely start in July. I hope that i can start in May, but I guess Im ok if it starts in July..I'll just work until then, maybe save up some money. Im just getting ansy and want to get going, because then I will actually feel like Im doing something.

And finally the third thing is my whole medical issues...You see, they cant find my gall bladder. The stupid gastro doctor wouldnt do the proper test to see if my duct was being blocked by a gall stone, so here I sit having gall bladder spasms, which can be painful, but they arent terrible. Though several years ago when this whole thing started..I did have to get admitted into the hospital twice. Which kills me because they didnt bother doing anything about it then either, and I noone informed me in the hospital that they could not find it..so I didnt know until my old records were reviewed by the radiologist who did the first ultrasound. Anyways, I think Im just going to deal with the pain..pray that it doesnt get bad. The worse that can happen is that if it is a stone, it will dislodge and end up in my liver...I do not know how serious this is..but I do know that the tell tale sign is that I will be come jaundice. Soooooo keep me in mind...I dont need this while Im in nursing school.

Im off to write more posts...one that is going to be slightly painful for me.

It's My Life. Im taking a stand!

The title came from one of the episodes of One Tree Hill tonight. Yes I am a One tree hill addict. In fact..I named Sunrise after one of the characters on the show(more on that later).

Usually I watch the show in a mindless manner...you know..wow he is cute..or wow I cant believe she said that...or why did they do that?? But tonight it seemed much deeper than I usually take it.

First, the title came from a little 4 year old who was afraid to run a soap box derby car...when he was asked if he was sure...he said "It's my life and Im taking a stand!" Wow..out of the mouths of babes(he was taught this earlier in the show). It was just so sweet and cute. But those words have such an impact. If you want something..or dont and everyone around you wants you to have it or dont..It's your life, you need to take a stand.

There was another line in the movie that really made me think. "What's worse...never getting what you wish for...or getting what you wish for but realizing it was not enough" hmmmm...that is real philosophical. I think..Id rather not get what I wish for. If I got what I wished for and it wasnt enough...Id always be yearning for that extra step. But then again...how does one succeed without yearning for that extra step? Now I dont know which is better...What do you think?

Sunday was Sunrises Birthday. The poor girl..well without dwelling on it, really did not enjoy herself. I dont want to go into all the sordid details because I whined about it on the messageboards that I read...but all was made up at her daycare where I asked them to kind of make it more special because of the bad time the day before. Here is my little princess from the daycare party.




And here she is looking like quite the suspicious one...LOL



I have something special to post for her birthday..but I need to do some revisions. Hard to believe that it has been 2 years. I see babies on Discovery Health all the time and it makes me wish for another...but Im keeping my legs crossed...I cant do a second child as a single mom and going to school again.

Im waiting on the school to call and give me an appointment for an interview so I can see when I will be starting school. I have no doubt that they will let me in, if not in March..then in June(I think it is). All I have to do is work through financial aid...and I will be set.