Saturday, March 29, 2008

Demons always come back to haunt you..

Am I the only person in the world..who writes several posts in one night? I did this because there were a few that deserved their own please bare with me on the multiple posts tonight..

I have had a heavy heart today..I'm conflicted on so many levels.

As some of you have read in my domestic violence post, I have had a lot happen to me in my marriage. This post only touched on a lot of it.

The lady that contacted me, that dated my ex(who we shall call Demon), and I have discussed writing a book. Starting with my story...and ending with hers. As you can tell, I am not a very good writer, so this is my first hurdle. The second hurdle is that I don't even know where to start. Finally the third hurdle is...I'm afraid of opening wounds. Wounds that up until now have not been opened since I left Demon the last time.

I am seeing a therapist for depression and post traumatic stress disorder. She has told me that when I tell the stories of things that has happened, that I tell them in a reporter, matter of factily type of way..which would help with writing the story..but I tell these stories like this because I do not "feel" the way I should. I havent really dealt with the feelings whole heartedly, and I am afraid to feel the feelings that come with surviving domestic violence. This is my first issue of conflicting feelings. I need to decide whether I am willing to risk opening those wounds to try to heal myself...and more importantly help others.

Second conflicting feeling is that I have paperwork..tons and tons of paper work. From when I left my ex at the beginning: cards, love letters, promises of changes, you know...all the boohoo I did you wrong stuff. And I also have paperwork from after he found my then boyfriend in my bedroom: the nasty letters, the pretending to be me in pm's to friends, the nasty letter to my sister telling lies, half truths, and very personal truths to my sister. Also, I have in this case, some diary type items where I tell my thoughts, feelings and fears about the whole ordeal. I found this paperwork as I tried to do some more clean sweeping of my bedroom(SNOW WHY ARENT YOU HERE HELPING???). I look at it, and think...I need to get rid of this...This is my past, this is like holding onto my past for no good reason...he is out of your life completely and has been for 5 years legally and 7 years since I left him. Time to let it go.....BUT then I think hmmm...but it reminds me what I came through. How I survived...what I endured...things that should make me strong. Not to mention it would help with the book, I think. So here I sit..looking at this stuff, trying to I shred I burn I pack it up and put it in I keep it at hand like I have for the past 5-7 years...I just cant decide what to do.

I guess I am looking for someone to give me a difinitive answer..but I know, noone can answer this but myself, and that royally SUCKS!

Question for you readers...Dont worry, I know you dont know what to do with this stuff, so Im not asking you that...My question is...What do you think about a book that is about a woman enduring domestic violence...and then a story of another woman suffering by the same hands of the demon..and them meeting to form a relationship that would help them both recover(for a lack of a better term). Especially those of you who are writers..or have a literature background...How does that sound to you?? I know it isn't a book most of you would pick up and go "hmmmm I think this sounds like a good book to read." So I'm just looking for a concept opinion.

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