Saturday, March 29, 2008

My sister...

Ok, first let's all pray that she does not find my blog...because all hell could break loose, but this has been bothering me for years, but the last 2 weeks...It's been bugging me to blog about it..so here it goes.

My mom has a great relationship with her sisters. I am envious of what they have. I often dream of what it would be like to have this relationship with my sister that they have with each other. I often get so down because of the relationship we have actually.

My sister barely gets along with any of us. I must say that I know that all of us love her...and very much so...but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to love her.

My sister, from a very young age, has been very mean. Cruel even. She has called me names out of nowhere for no reason. She has no comprehension as to how mean she is to us, all of us. Sunrise hardly acknowledges her when she is here. A 2 year old can sense stuff like that. Of course the fact that she hardly acknowledges Sunrise doesn't help.

She was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago, and they put her on meds for it. For awhile, she was not pleasant but she was tolerable. She was living here at my parents house, and most of the time, I would hide in my bedroom, to avoid her. After I moved back when I was pregnant with Sunrise, she had to move back too. She apparently had gone off her meds. Sunrise and I would hide in our room and hang out here all day and night. Luckily she moved out before Sunrise got REAL mobile...Her and my mother had even gotten physical. It was to the point where I swore, the next time things got physical, I was going to call the police. She accused my parents of not caring about her life(everytime you asked her about something..she'd get defensive and tell you it was none of your business..so no we did not know what her life was like..because we quit asking). She also accused them of caring more about me and my brother then they did her. She THINKS that I got more before she was born, then she ever did, which is hardly true...we were very poor before she was born. My dad worked 12 hour days...my mom worked..and after she was born I was left to babysit constantly for her..and then for her and my brother after he was born.

She thinks my parents give me everything I have. Truth be told...they give me nothing other than a roof over my head, utilities...and sometimes food. They have given her over a thousand dollars when she couldnt pay rent and was facing eviction...or money here and there.

She has called me stupid, moron, idiot, and many other things. It is very painful for me...I would love to have anything that resembled a relationship with her. I would love to be able to call her and say "Hey..just wanted to say hi..how are you doing?". I would have loved for her to visit me in the hospital each time I was in...just to check on me. I would love to have a sister, confidant, friend. I would love to have her to tell my secrets to..and her to tell me secrets. I would love to be able to know that we could take our kids to Chuck E Cheese and hang out while the kids go wild. I would love for us to take the kids to the Circus this weekend, instead of us going at seperate times. I just would love to have my sister...as a Sister. I'm jealous of you that have great relationships with your sisters...and wish I could have the same.

Often, I find myself doing things she asks of me..in hopes that she will change her views. Honestly she is wonderful when she wants something...and shortly after...but given a few days, she returns to her old self. I have gotten to the point, that I am going to start telling her no.

I could not tell you all that she has done to me and my family, but it is heartbreaking that she is like this. I have shed tears over this relationship or lack there of, and wish that she would change. That she would go on meds again at least...to make things pleasant so that I don't hide whenever she comes over(she has moved out again for now)...but I don't forsee it happening anytime soon.

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