I know I said I wouldnt be posting..

but this is bothering me in a way.

I have only touched on how mean my sister is...She makes comments about how at least her baby knows his daddy, or you are stupid...or any other little thing she can jab at. She has even gone as far as demanding the crib that I borrowed for Sunrise back because she needed it NOW!(Sunrise was 4 months old..her son...4 years old). So I took it down that night and gave it back to her(she was still living her at the time)....it stayed torn down..and to the best of my knowledge has not been used ever since(though she will be probably using it in a few months, if she hasnt sold it). I had to go out and buy a cheap crib to replace the one she lent me. She has only lent me 2 items...the crib and the baby car seat...and the first chance I could give that back I did...just so I knew it wasnt hanging over me. I do not know how many times I have babysat my nephew because she wanted to go out...or because she had stuff to do...Id say around 20 or 30(these are situations where it has been non emergencies). I asked her to baby sit ONE...Yes ONE time overnight so I could go to a party..and I knew that if I drank too much I could just stay at my friends house that was having the party and not have to worry about it...Ummm that ONE babysit(a total of 12 hours) cost me 30 dollars!

She has verbally, emotionally and physically(my mom) abused my family...yet over and over i have done things for her when she has asked (watch her son for a little while, fix her computer, help her with this...or help her with that...borrow this or borrow that)...Well the last time she said some very mean things about Sunrises lack of a "baby daddy", and other mean things...I told her flat out..."Do NOT ask me for another thing...just remember that".(Of course...I mean this in the way where it isnt something serious).

This weekend...while laying in bed all day on Saturday on my death bed, she asked my mom if she could borrow my PSP program...then she left. Mom asked me, and I glared at my mom.(not glarring at my mom...but glarring at my sister through my mom...which my mom understood). My mom stated that she had given her a computer and they were having the internet hooked up at her house and thank god she wouldnt be around much anymore(yes my mom said thank god)....I looked at my mom and said "No...she can not have it...she does not NEED it...and I told her NOTHING more"...Mom said she understood(and she does, because the whole family is starting to get to this point).

Sunday...my mom approached me about some non essentials but good to have things for her baby coming in August. I told my mom...ABSOLUTELY not! I will sell them before I give them to her(a swing...and other toys). My mom said that she understood..but my mom wanted to buy them from me. She was going to buy some of this stuff at a garage sale...but knew how bad I needed the money(damn gas prices!) and she did want to give the money to me instead of some stranger...for things, which look like I will not use ever again, if I do it wont be for a few years when I have extra money to buy new....I told my mom that I guess...But now I feel terrible for my mom paying for them(my parents are not poor...and have extra cash to throw to things like this used). But I just can not stand the idea of giving these items to my sister.

Then after her and I discuss this some...she said my sister's friend is having a girl...and asked if Id give her friend the girl clothes that Sunrise has grown out of...UGHHHH I told my mom no. She(my mom) is not going to be buying anything for this baby anyways..so there is no need for me to give clothes to this person who I hardly know..that is friends with my sister who is extremely horrible to me and my family. I plan on having a garage sale.

Am I such a bad person?

My sister...

Ok, first let's all pray that she does not find my blog...because all hell could break loose, but this has been bothering me for years, but the last 2 weeks...It's been bugging me to blog about it..so here it goes.

My mom has a great relationship with her sisters. I am envious of what they have. I often dream of what it would be like to have this relationship with my sister that they have with each other. I often get so down because of the relationship we have actually.

My sister barely gets along with any of us. I must say that I know that all of us love her...and very much so...but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to love her.

My sister, from a very young age, has been very mean. Cruel even. She has called me names out of nowhere for no reason. She has no comprehension as to how mean she is to us, all of us. Sunrise hardly acknowledges her when she is here. A 2 year old can sense stuff like that. Of course the fact that she hardly acknowledges Sunrise doesn't help.

She was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago, and they put her on meds for it. For awhile, she was not pleasant but she was tolerable. She was living here at my parents house, and most of the time, I would hide in my bedroom, to avoid her. After I moved back when I was pregnant with Sunrise, she had to move back too. She apparently had gone off her meds. Sunrise and I would hide in our room and hang out here all day and night. Luckily she moved out before Sunrise got REAL mobile...Her and my mother had even gotten physical. It was to the point where I swore, the next time things got physical, I was going to call the police. She accused my parents of not caring about her life(everytime you asked her about something..she'd get defensive and tell you it was none of your business..so no we did not know what her life was like..because we quit asking). She also accused them of caring more about me and my brother then they did her. She THINKS that I got more before she was born, then she ever did, which is hardly true...we were very poor before she was born. My dad worked 12 hour days...my mom worked..and after she was born I was left to babysit constantly for her..and then for her and my brother after he was born.

She thinks my parents give me everything I have. Truth be told...they give me nothing other than a roof over my head, utilities...and sometimes food. They have given her over a thousand dollars when she couldnt pay rent and was facing eviction...or money here and there.

She has called me stupid, moron, idiot, and many other things. It is very painful for me...I would love to have anything that resembled a relationship with her. I would love to be able to call her and say "Hey..just wanted to say hi..how are you doing?". I would have loved for her to visit me in the hospital each time I was in...just to check on me. I would love to have a sister, confidant, friend. I would love to have her to tell my secrets to..and her to tell me secrets. I would love to be able to know that we could take our kids to Chuck E Cheese and hang out while the kids go wild. I would love for us to take the kids to the Circus this weekend, instead of us going at seperate times. I just would love to have my sister...as a Sister. I'm jealous of you that have great relationships with your sisters...and wish I could have the same.

Often, I find myself doing things she asks of me..in hopes that she will change her views. Honestly she is wonderful when she wants something...and shortly after...but given a few days, she returns to her old self. I have gotten to the point, that I am going to start telling her no.

I could not tell you all that she has done to me and my family, but it is heartbreaking that she is like this. I have shed tears over this relationship or lack there of, and wish that she would change. That she would go on meds again at least...to make things pleasant so that I don't hide whenever she comes over(she has moved out again for now)...but I don't forsee it happening anytime soon.