Thursday, June 19, 2008

Domestic Violence...again

Sorry to bring this up..but there is much I want to say about this since it is being/was discussed on one of my favorite blogs(Im goin to keep the name of the blog to myself this time due to the sensitive topic).

If you dont need to read this, please feel free to skip it. I am just putting it out there for those that need to read it, and you never know...you might need some info later.

Some facts about domestic violence there are not all the facts..just some of them.
I use he..because that is what I know...I tried to change them all to he/she..but it just took too much work. Just know that abuse can be from a woman too.
  • Verbal abuse is abuse! It can be as damaging, if not worse than physical abuse to an extent. I would sometimes beg in my head for my ex to stop screaming at me and calling me names..and just hit me to get it over with. I can still feel the feelings I had when he would call me names..but I do not remember the pain from when he hit me.
  • Get out! For your safety, and for your kids(if applicable!). Trust me...if a child grows up in an abusive home, they will either repeat this cycle by being an abuser or being abused. It makes me sick to think of Sunrise going through what I went through.
  • If he/she tells you your family told him that they want nothing to do with you...it is more than likely a lie. My ex used this to keep me there. I thought my parents thought I was the worse person on earth and that they wanted nothing to do with me...which made me feel like I had nowhere to go. Lies.
  • There is more than likely government agencies in your area that can help you...you just need to swallow your pride an ask. Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)...they can direct you where to get help.
  • Lack of money is no reason to stay. My ex took my money from me whenever I had it...so I wouldnt have anything of my own. When I got to the shelter, they gave me all the clothes I needed, not to mention all the personal items I needed.
  • HE/SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER change! Dont think he/she will. Sure he/she was incredible when you met him/her, but think about it...would you have stayed if he/she was like he is now?? Of course not..and they know that.
  • After you leave...see the previous bullet point. He will tell you he has...and he will even seek counseling...but that is just to get you back into his lair.
  • When you leave....HIDE! Most domestic violence related deaths happen after the abused has left. The abuser has no more control, so he loses it and will do anything to make you know it.
  • YOU CAN DO BETTER! YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU ARE BETTER! What he says that you are..Not true. You do not deserve what he does to you. My ex used to tell me that I was useless..and that I needed him.
  • YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! My ex had me so convinced I was insane that he was trying to get me committed when I left. Not to mention all the meds he got my psych to give me just by him going to my appointments and exaggerating things that I told him. (Like...sometimes I could get so angry I could scream at my then stepson...he would turn it around to say that I wanted to beat him or something..which I would have NEVER done).
  • Just because he doesnt hit you...doesnt mean it isnt abuse. I knew a lady who was emotionally abused(never struke once)...Untle he pushed her out a 2nd story window..and beat her with a board. She is now a parapalegic...and will never walk again. It all changed in 30 seconds.
  • Have an escape plan...have a bag packed that contains important information, birth certificates, legal papers..etc...If you have to give it to someone to keep for when you do escape..then do so.
  • Abuse knows no age or relationship. Teens to the elderly are getting abused. There was a woman in her 70s at the shelter..she was black and blue...and her wounds were caused by her son. There are many teens being abused now...
  • LEGAL AID! I received legal aid in assiting me get my restraining order, and my divorce. It didnt cost me anything. In my area they have court advocates who will help you get your restraining order...and divorce. When I got my restraining order and divorce...my advocate was there. In fact, they court looks more highly on someone with a advocate, then someone without(at least in my county)..because that means that it has to be true and you are more than likely honest to be able to humble yourself and ask for help. I was involved in a trial with my ex for the damage he did...she was there....When I filed the papers to get the restraining order...she helped me fill them out. During my restraining order hearing, I sat between her and my attorney...and she would touch me every so often to remind me that she was there(when you are in a room with the man that has beaten you...I dont care who is there also, you are still scared shitless that he is going to jump the table and come after you). When I needed her in the beginning of the trial..the DA called her immediatly and she rushed right over to escort me over to the domestic courts to get my papers for the restraining order, so they could be served after the jury was escorted out to deliberate...(previous attempts to serve him were unsuccessful..he hid from service).
  • More importantly...love yourself to get yourself out...you deserve more. There is a love out there that you can truly accept.
  • And the day you leave...CELEBRATE IT!!! every year! I do...10/21/01 was my Independence day..and that is what I call it!

I am putting my blog on moderated comments so that if anyone needs to talk to me..they can comment and give me their email address, or even a phone number if they want me to call and the comment will not show on the blog(I will delete it, as to keep anonimity). Chances are...what you are experiencing, I have experienced(Maybe not specifically..but at least generally). The emotions, fears, questions...those I am SURE that I have experienced because you would be surprised how much of this, we victims go through the same!

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