Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Hmmm a date???

A few weeks ago I signed up on Facebook(hold on...Im getting "Green Puppy" licks from Sunrise...EWWWWWWWWWWWW)...And a few of my high school classmates have contacted me.  I have been formulating in my mind a rant post about this because the people who have contacted me, really didn't know I was alive.  I was kind of appalled that these people now want to be my "friend", when I wasn't cool enough for them in high school.  (I know I know..."Dawn, when are you going to let this the fuck go???)  I discussed this in therapy the other night, and my therapist and I have come to the conclusion I really DO need to let it go...with a few other thoughts that I am pondering. 

Then the other night I ran into on there...hmmmm call him T.  He was a guy I knew in school, I thought he wasn't bad back then, but since I was the social outcast in school, I am sure that he really didn't have any thought of me.  Well I found him Monday night, and sent me an email right away to say hi.  I responded, but I had a funny feeling, that seemed to happen tonight.  He asked me if I would go like to go to dinner or for drinks.  He was staying home tonight, and gave me his number to give him a call. 

Wouldn't that be strange, if I did go out with him, and we hit it off, and stuff like that.  Wouldn't that be one of those things you see on television. I can just see it...On Ellen or Oprah...."Reunion after 20 years and now it's love".  I know that is jumping the gun...but wouldn't that a trip?

Ehh well...I am still on the whole I don't know if I really wanna date mode, between school and Sunrise, I really don't have time, but...Who knows, maybe I will change my mind.

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My new favorite show...

Ok...not NEW favorite show, but I came across this clip and it reminded me how much I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE Big Bang Theory. If you haven't seen it...check it out.

This clip is the funniest I think, but you almost have to understand the show to really find it as funny as I do.

Let me set it up for you....Sheldon has a secret from Leonard about Leonard's love interest. Sheldon was having problems keeping the secret so he "moved out".  Each of the 2 friends that took him in, had a hard time dealing with his eccentric personality, and well...check this out...

<a href="">The Big Bang Theory - Sheldon On Valium</a>


Hmmmm...where have all my readers gone.

I used to have many comments, and suddenly, one or two here.  Either you all are busy with the holidays, or I am one boring writer.

You all have to be busy with the holidays...because I KNOW it's not me! LOL

New Years....what will you do?

I, will be staying home, and probably sleeping at the stroke of midnight. At least I hope so, because ANOTHER night I have not slept has come and gone.

Last night...about 6 times, Sunrise came to me and said Mewwy kissmess mommy.... I looked at her and said "Sunrise, Merry Christmas, but it is over, and it only comes but once a year".  She looked at me with empty blue eyes, and smiled.  All I could think is, "Does she think Santa is coming every night of the year?"  And then I thought "With her in my life, he does come every night of the year, because every day with her is a gift."

So what are you doing tonight???  If the roads aren't bad I'll go out and get some pork and kielbasa, and eat it at 8 oclock...and crash.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas...

Tonight/Last night(after all it is 2:49 AM, and Santa just left) my sister and two nephews came over to open presents. 

My brother, sister and I all decided not to buy Christmas presents for each other this year, it was just about the kids. brother renigged on that deal, and bought me some wonderful smelling Victoria Secrets body wash and lotion.  I almost hate to use it because I don't go out much, and I know that stuff can be expensive.

My mom, bless her heart, is so creative.  She gave each of a us box...when we opened it, there was a small present, a wrapped present that was marked "Place under the tree for tomorrow", and a little rhyme to send us to another location.  At the next location, she had another wrapped gift, with the present and another for under the tree.  This went on for about 6 presents. The last one was marked for us to stand to get our last present we had to sing a silly song, or rhyme. We all acted annoyed...but at least I thought it was very cute...I'm sure my brother and sister felt the same.

But you know what really was cute.  Was the first thing Sunrise opened was a gift from her aunt. It was a coloring book.  After opening it, she jumped up, got her markers and started coloring.  We had to talk her into coming in and opening the rest of the presents from aunt and uncle. Ohhh how I wish the days of easy Christmas gifts stayed(and cheap), but I know it wont be but a few years when it will be more expensive gifts she wants. Sigh.

It has been a rough week.  It all started Sunday night with Sunrise all of a sudden getting cranky, and tired.  I took her into the shower with me, and she just wanted to be held.  It took me a good while to convince her to get her pjs on and go lay down.  She ended up having a fever.  We had to force ibuprofen in her, in order to get it to drop. It eventually did.  She woke up the next day like normal...went to school. And that night it was on again, same thing but add the vomitting.  She woke up again on Tuesday...just fine...went to day care, and came home.  Followed by another night of fever and vomitting, though it would turn out Christmas eve, it continued through the day. It wasnt until about 6:30 when cousin Trent and Jayden along with Aunt Jennie arrived did the vomitting stopped and we were able to open presents without problem.  She also woke up Christmas morning and was fine.  Hopefully it is over.

I got some money for Christmas which I am EXTREMELY grateful for...but the most important thing I got....was a passing grade!  I am now going into my next semester as a nursing student. 

It was terrible that I walked into that exam with an 88, and wasn't sure that I would pass still, because our exam was worth 50%. I hate the fact that one test could make or break you.  Even taking the NCLEX you can retake it.  But all is well...I passed.

But I wanted to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.   As for me and my family, we are relaxing while Sunrise runs around and takes photos with her new Crayola Digital Camera.(Lots of pictures of the ceiling! LOL)


Saturday, December 20, 2008

My dad....

First off, I want to say that I am posting this because it is running through my head, and I am afraid if I don't put it in writing, I will forget some of the good things...and since I don't have a personal journal, I am putting it here.

Second, I do not want anyone to get a misconception about how I feel about my dad. I love my dad with all my heart, and am sooooo thankful for him helping me out when I really needed him, especially letting Sunrise and I live with them while I go back to school.  But there are some things that really hurt me that I just need to get out.

When I was a young girl, probably until I was 10 or 11...most of my memories of my father were very good.  Looking back now, it seemed like I was very important to him, and I was his everything. A few years ago, while talking to two of my aunts, I found out that that was the case.  They told me that I could do nothing wrong in my dad's eyes.  For the most part, looking back now...they are/were right.

When I was very young, some of my earliest memories were of how my dad would carry me into the house after I fell asleep in the car. I remember how I would fake being asleep just so he would carry me.  I loved being held by my dad, it made me feel so safe, and so secure. It was so kind of him, to let me sleep...and though the one specific time I remember, I had to be only around 4 years old...but I remember it well.  I remember around that same time, how I would wake up in the middle of the night and see monsters, and run to my parents bed and beg to sleep with them, and they would let me(I think they did...I just remember that the fear stopped as soon as I got to their bed).

When I was 5 we moved to a new house(it is what I called a shoebox now, because it was VERY tiny).  Instead of my parents taking the larger bedroom...they gave me the larger bedroom until I was probably 8 or 9. I remember even at such a young age, that I was really proud of the fact that my parents entrusted the larger bedroom to me.

I remember up until I was around 12, going to Gold Circle with my dad to shop.  He often would let me go play in the toys section while he went to the lunch counter to have coffee and smoke a cigarette. I would later come back and he would buy me a pop.

I remember going up to Perkins on top of the hill when I was still very young, especially the time when he joined Amway (which ended up being a joke, as you could guess) and he talked to me like I was a grown up, and explained to me how the program worked, and how he was going to make his millions. I didn't care about the money he was writing down on the napkin, all I cared about was that he was treating me like I was smart and an adult almost. I remember when he had drawn out plans for making our shoebox bigger, and how he was going to do it, and where my bedroom would be. I was so proud of his design and what his plans were.

When I was 9ish I joined the Parks baseball program.  I remember being so proud of the fact that I was in fact using my dad's glove from his baseball playing days in highschool.  I sucked at baseball...but it was something my dad enjoyed.  He would go to the games, sometimes he would sub ump.  He would help out the coaches during practice.  But I also remember the first time(and only time)that I caught a fly ball.  I was so excited to go back to the dug out and was waiting to see my dad's smile...and getting the pat on the back, but what awaited me was..."Good catch, but if you would have thrown it to would have got a double"...I was devastated. Or when I was so proud to be picked for the Allstar team and after the game when I would brag to someone he jumped in and said that they had tried to give everyone a chance especially when it was their last year qualifying for the league.

I remember when he came to me after days of telling me that all the clothes he had in the car were going to the drycleaner, to tell me that he and my mom were separating.  I remember how devastated I was. During their separation, our time together was so much more positive and wonderful.  Like the time he took me to my first movie(Darbie O'gill and the little People..yep I remember the name of the movie).  And then how he took me to the Woolworth's cafeteria for dinner.  Then he told me I could get any record(a 45...actually...if you don't know what 45 was...dont ask, cuz then I will feel old! LOL)I wanted.  The story records...with the book.  I picked out the Frosty the Snowman one.  Yes...I do remember.

I remember how when he moved back home how happy I was.  Then, shortly after my sister was born, then came my brother.  Suddenly he had to work all the time.  I am sure that having a larger family now meant having to work more, and my time with my father was very limited...when he was home, my time had to be split between two little kids...but that was ok.  Our trips out...became limited to none.

The next 8 years were very difficult for me.  I no longer had my father around much because he was always working.  When I did get to talk to him, he became very critical of me.  Looking back, I know that he meant well...but damnit it hurt so bad!  If I got a C, that wasn't good enough...if I got a B...why didn't you get an A....When our house got tp'd and egged when I was in 7 or 8th was my fault for having people that didn't like me.  Needless to say this was the point where I started shut down.

Then, I didn't realize it, but he was like this with my mom too.  I see it now, and mom and I discuss it often. At the time all I cared about was how it was effecting me.

This has even gone over into my adult life. When I left my first ex husband, the response from his was that he was disappointed in me that I left.  He didn't care what had ended my marriage.

When I dated a guy for 8 months, and we broke up...he said I had let a good guy go.  He didn't bother asking me why...because then he would have found out that he was cheating on me...several times with several women.

When I left my abusive second husband the first time, he told me that maybe I should go back, because maybe things were not as bad as I thought..after all I was sensitive.  Boy did his opinion change after my second ex beat me up a few more times.  In my eyes my dad failed me.  He encouraged me to go back, just to get more abuse. Though I know now that I probably would have went back on my own anyways...but at the time, it didn't feel that way.

All through college this time, and the last time I went for a degree..I would come home after getting a good grade, and couldn't wait to tell him.  It seems silly, but I so long for his approval. This is why I am such a perfectionist about my grades, and when I get an A- or lower...I get disappointed in myself.  I do blame him, but I know that I need to stop that and blame myself. I need to quit being such the perfectionist and just do my best.

I know my thoughts on our past is probably skewed because of how sensitive I was then...but just one time when I say "Hey dad I got an 89 on this test", instead of hearing "Well you just missed an A, eh?", I'd hear...well if you tried your best, that is all you can do, good job.  I so fear failing a class in school, because I don't want to disappoint him. That is just so wrong of me, but I can't seem to shake that feeling.

My mom and I both talk on numerous occasions on how nothing seems to please my dad.  Not just with me, but with her also.  Yet, my brother can do no wrong.  Not too long ago, he accused me of making 20 dollars worth of long distance phone calls.  When I argued with him, that I did had to be my brother, he insisted that it wasn't him. I explained (and I guess him and my mom argued about this the night before) that if I were to make a long distance phone call...I would use my cell phone, because it was free.  It wasn't until later that night when my brother came home, that it was settled that my brother had made the calls.  That hurts.  He doesn't trust me, yet I have not been arrested for DUI, quit jobs because I just don't like them, or anything like that, outside of having a child out of wedlock.

But I know...that he puts a roof over our heads, he got me a car to get from home to school, he loves Sunrise, and I do know he cares. I know that in his own twisted way, he is trying to encourage me to do better in life.  To correct my life and make things better for myself and Sunrise...but it is twisted.

I just wish, in some way...that I could see the emotional love....not just the things that he does for us.  I do not remember the last time he has been in the room long enough to give me a hug or a kiss on a cheek....or say "HEY good job".  I could instigate the hug or kiss, but I quit doing that, because everyone doesn't want to do that all the time, with it not returned.  Yeah...before we hang up...we say I love you...but sometimes the words are so empty, and just seem like they are required by him.  But with every cell in my body...I do mean it.


Friday, December 19, 2008


My previous post should read More Apologies...Not more Apologizes...Im such a dork. LOL

I could just go fix it..but that means I wouldnt have one extra post today :)

More apologizes

I am kinda away this last week and this weekend.  I have finals Monday and Tuesday, and with one of my finals worth 50% of my grade, I must study.

But I am doing well so far, so hopefully it rubs off onto my exams!

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Do movies ruin it?

I mean ruin it for men wanting to date women? I'm not talking about sitting in the theater cozying(is that a word) up with each other watching a good flick.

I was watching P.S. I love you the other night, and I couldn't help but to think about any guy that I date in the future. Will I hold him up to standards that the movies show? 

The men (I say men...because <gasp> Jeffery Dean Morgan made my tummy flutter!) were some of the most romantic men I have ever seen.  I know they are characters, but they made me wanting a man just like them.  Yet, I know that that is a strong order to place to the gods of love.

So tell me...Do you think that movies can impose higher values on men then what is possible?

By the posting is going to be limited over the next couple weeks.  Finals are on the way!

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Saturday, December 06, 2008

Just because...

My latest 4 posts were a little off the wall.  This was due to the lack of sleep.  You maybe happy to know, that I slept a good 12 hours last night, plus a couple of hours before that while Grandma watched Sunrise. 

So I figured I would just post this, because I am proud of this photo...which doesn't happen often with photos that have me in it.


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Friday, December 05, 2008

I need your help...

Ok, as you can tell by my previous posts...obviously I had sleep issues that even Vicodin didn't help(even though it was for a different reason).

I have been up 24 hours now officially...Last night my mind was going over school work, running through things I need to memorize, etc...etc...  I tried everything to get my mind to stop running, but could not do it! This has been going on for awhile. Most nights I can get to sleep...but some nights, I can not get my mind to stop.  I have tried everything! Cutting out caffeine after a certain time, baths, reading, EVERYTHING..nothing is working. I am EXHAUSTED...but I could not fall asleep. And now I have to go to school in a little bit, so I wont be able to even to try to sleep until after 5.

I decided last night, that I am HAVE to look for some medical intervention now.  So I am reaching out to any of you that can help. Have you tried valium? anything?  What could I talk to my doctor about that you have tried that helps you relax when you need to. 

I do not want sleeping pills because when I tried them years ago, they made me sleep too hard...I want to be able to be waken if I need to with Sunrise.  I know I could sleep if I could JUST fall asleep. I just need something to relax.

So..any suggestions???

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Thinking Like a nurse...

(Please forgive this and the other following posts I post tonight..they maybe long winded, because I am sitting here high on Vicodin for a bad toothache I have...)

Tonight, I am sitting here with a bad toothache and a ton of things running through my mind, hence to more than one post today this early morning.

One thing that is coming to my mind is my fellow students. I feel bad for most of them.  They are having a very hard time with our nursing class. Half of them received interim reports stating that they are failing our class. Yes...50% of them. It isn't hard to fail the class, because a 76% is failing for the nursing classes.  I feel bad for them, but I am relieved that I am not one of them. We have had 3 quizzes and so far I have received an 88, 90 and a 90. I do not know how I do it, but I do. I'm very good at critical thinking, which is very important for nurses to have. I may not completely know the answer to the questions, but I have a keen ability of deductive reasoning..and I can see both sides of every answer to figure out which one it is...I invited one of my classmates over for a study session this weekend to try and help her out. I need to get even better scores on the last 2 quizzes because our final, is worth 50% of our grade! I need that padding, so I won't be too stressed taking the final.  I am going to prepare hard for it, but I am afraid stress will make me both cranky/angry, depressed, and I am afraid I will blank out if I stress too much.

Anyways..So tonight after Sunrise finally went to sleep...My toothache kicked in, I took Vicodin and for some reason I can not sleep. So I pulled out a good novel my drug guide...and started reading about every drug I have taken, Sunrise has taken, or that is on the list of things to try, which was sad in itself...but do you know what is worse??  I ENJOYED IT! LOL I mean really...who reads a drug guide to try and fall asleep?? Now I am getting ready to watch videos on some procedures we have to do in lab tomorrow. Yes, I am going to watch a video on how to give a bed bath. LOL  Earlier...I watched the videos on how to do catheters..and it was completely for education purpose, not to take a peek at a penis, which it has been a while since I have seen. (UGH and it is driving me freaking CRAZY! LOL)

Well..I think I am going to read a blog or two, maybe read some nursing boards, and watch some procedures. Wow I am pathetic! LOL

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Kids are so resilient...

(Please forgive this and the other following posts I post tonight..they maybe long winded, because I am sitting here high on Vicodin for a bad toothache I have...)


As I sit here looking at my beautiful angel sleeping beside mind goes to something that happened Tuesday night, it wasn't a big thing, but for some reason it is sticking in my head...

Lately, Sunrise has been fighting the whole bedtime thing. It's worse when I am trying to study, because not only has she been fighting bedtime, she has been going through a needy stage.  Not a stage of whiny crying needy...just that she wants my attention.  It just breaks my heart, because at almost 3, she is unable to get that my studying is very important for us.  I hate it as much as she hates me doing it, but I know I must, but she just doesn't get it. At 3, I can not blame her. She wants to be held...played with...talked to. 

Don't think she is being neglected, because believe me she is not. In fact, I have been postponing studying as much as I can because I am a procrastinator, and  would rather be studying, so I find anything and everything that I can do with her to make excuses for not studying.(Thankfully my grades have not suffered, see my next post)

I Tuesday night, I was studying for my nursing class..trying to get prepared for a test. These nursing tests are very important(again, see the next post).  I need to pass these tests(which is a 76% or higher in nursing classes, and they are NOT easy). Sunrise kept coming up to me...playing with my toes, wanting to be held, then when I put her to bed..she kept coming out to talk to me.  This all ended up with her dragging "blankie" and "blanket" and pillow with her(blankie is her treasured blanket that she received as a gift when she was born from the company I was working at, blanket is the Care Bears blanket she loves too..too cute how kids come up with names).  She lays them out on the floor and proceeds to play with her baby, asking me to play with her. I finally gave up on studying (this was at 12:30 AM) and brought her into the bedroom and bed with me.  I tried to wind down while watching some of my DVRd shows..and she continued to play. She eventually got mad at me when I would make her lay down, and started to cry and scream.  I kept trying to hold her to calm her down, and finally she fell asleep.

It was 2 AM before she fell asleep, and 3 before I did. Mind you I had to be out the door at 7:00.  She woke up Wednesday morning and fought me tooth and nail to stay asleep. We finally rushed out the door(still fighting with me) at 7:15.  I got to daycare and told them how late she was up and apologized for her mood today.  She would be fine after a nap.  I picked her up, and it was as if nothing happened.

This all got me thinking and about us adults.  Why are we not so resilient?  Why do we hold onto pain and hurt for many years?? An almost 3 year old forgets in less than 24 hours anger and hurt....where as it can take 24 years to get over pain and anger.

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Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Some People.... 2 things happened this week that involved the police that made me think, "What the hell were these morons thinking???"

First, this past week...I heard on the news that some guy was robbed of $110, and his car. He was beaten up in the process.  How horrible right???  Well...when asked why he was where he was when this happened...he told the police that he was there to buy pot.  Ummmm hello?????  Is it me, or is this guy stupid.  I am not crazy about drugs, I do not do them, but really...if you are going to call the cops about someth

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ing like could at least lie about what you are there for. LOL

Second...last night the police arrested a 19 year old for breaking into cars and stealing things like GPS's, radios, and other stuff...How they caught him???  They followed his foot prints in the snow.  WHAT THE HELL??? DUH

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