Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Barbara Walters is THAT stupid????

I normally do not watch the View, and today I accidentally ran across it, and now I know why I don't watch it.

The conversation was about Chris Brown and Rhianna.  The discussion at the point where I sprung out of bed and started screaming at the television was when Barbara Walters opened her mouth and said "First time his fault, second time your fault." WHAT THE HELL???  I never cared for her, but now I down right can't stand her!  She obviously is uneducated about domestic violence and the cycle of violence.  Come on Barbara...I'd love to talk to you about this, because I find that you are VERY uneducated and know NOTHING about it.

Do you want to know my 2 cents??? Well..since this is my blog...I'm going to tell you.  After all, that is why I type this blog right? LOL :)  I'm just teasing...but honestly this is the way it is.  I don't care if it is the first time, second time, or 100th time a man hits a woman, it is never EVER EVER her fault. (For the record...I am using her and him because that is the most usual battered person, a woman...but it can be reverse).  Over the years, when I tell my is inevitable that someone will say, "Why didn't you just leave?"  or "It would have stopped if you would have left."   These are the stigmas associated of victims of domestic violence...but let me give a little lesson, so that I can be part of the education in domestic violence.  When women go back, they don't go back because they want to be beaten again, they go back for so many more reasons, that unless you have been in the situation, you will never understand.  Some of the reasons they go back is because they are promised the world....they are promised it will never happened again...their abuser becomes the person that they originally fell in love with again. Another reason they go back, is typically the abuser controls the the victim has nothing, therefore (especially when the victim has kids) they feel that have to option since they have no money.  And on other reason is that often the victim has been alienated from friends and family...they have nowhere to go (other than shelters) and feel like the only home they can have is with the abuser.

I was reading some of the message boards on The View website..and one thing that was brought up was that people are ticked that Rhianna is being "punished" and being told she is not allowed to contact Chris...I believe this is to save her, not to punish her.  In fact, when I went before the judge in my protection order ex was told that regardless if I started the contact or not, HE is responsible to stay away.  If I found him, HE had to leave.  For instance if he was at the local swimming place...and I walked in...HE had to leave.  Or if I called him, HE had to hang up on me.  My ex tried to fight it when she told him that, which was hillarious because his attorney told him to shut up...but he tried to say he was going to go to school too (where I was going at the time), and what if we were in the same building...that just isnt fair.  The judge looked at him and said "I SAID, if she is somewhere...YOU have to option". 

One final thing...a man should NEVER hit a woman, regardless if she did it or not.  He needs to leave.  Dr Phil said this before, and I believe this...but sometimes I wonder about it.  Though it is true that most of the time the abuser is a I guess it seems to fit.  What do you think?

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The real me....

The other day someone said something to me that caused me to do some self examination. I wanted to put this in a blog, because there is just no one outside of blogdom that really wants to hear it, I am sure.

I was told that I was "hard headed".  At first I was offended but after thinking about it, I realized that I probably do appear hard headed but I am far from that.  To me hard headed means I make a decision or have a thought and I am hard fast on it.  This is not true.  The reason they think this is because often we are talking at school about a test question before we get the answer back...and if I say what my answer was, I will try to explain why I chose it.  More often then not, I am cut off before completing my thought and that just PISSES me off to no ends.  So I got to thinking about that.  I decided that the reason I do this because I have spent all of my life trying to be heard, and never was.  But since the life changing event of my abusive ex, I made a HUGE change in my thought processes and I changed.   I want to be heard, that is all.  If I am heard, and someone wants to debate(in a nice way of course) I am more than happy to discuss it, and maybe even change my mind...but don't cut me off before I have made my point, because that just gets me going more and I will fight...fight not to prove myself right, but to fight to be heard, which will appear to be a fight for my cause.

Another thing about me that really no one knows(at least those that don't read my blog that is) is that I am still in love with a guy I dated 6 years ago.  Not so in love that it keeps me from other relationships, but in love enough that it hurts me that he still wants to have a friendship.  I have not ever responded to him, but he keeps trying. I just don't get it.  I mean really...I NEVER see him anymore...but yet he hunts me out, such as on facebook...he sends me messages, tries to message me, and yet I have not answered him in 4 years. At what point does he get it?  I mean really.  Shutting him off is my way of dealing.  He is married now and has moved on obviously, so why does he feel so obligated to keep in touch?  Especially since he gets no response.

I am protective about the situation at which Brooke has came to be...and I probably will be until the day I die. (With the exception of when she is old enough to explain to her..but other than that..I don't really want to share that.  I have told maybe 3 people and 2 I have never met, and my old therapist.  Is that wrong of me?? Probably...but really, is it anyone's business?

I am stressed beyond belief.  The only thing that keeps me going every day is my daughter.  I feel bad that I can not give her the life she deserves right now, but I keep in my mind, I am doing all this for us.  I know that this is the fact, but some days I do feel bad about it.

I am ok with being single, but I wish I wasn't. I need to be loved, and to love someone...but that is ok.  Right now I need to work on myself. But it still sucks.  Does that make sense?

I have wanted to be the center of attention.  In years past it was always achieved in bad ways.    Now I find myself using humor to cause attention to myself. Often this humor can be annoying, I would imagine...but I do get a lot of laughs. 

I know people at school especially get annoyed with me having so many stories...but when you have been in my shoes all these years, and have seen, done or had done to you so many have a TON of stories.  I am working on this.  I have decided that I am going to keep more stories to myself.  Because after some point, people start to believe(at least I do about other people), that you are making things up, which I do not do.

I get depressed because I have only been out for the evening enjoying my time 3 or 4 times in the last 2 years.  Do you know how bad that sucks?  I got told by one of the girls at school that they do not invite me to anything anymore because I never go.  First, it is still nice to be invited, even if I can't go...and second, I wish like hell I had money to pay a sitter to babysit but I am broke.

And finally, I have never been this broke in my life.  I have $50 to my name to last me the rest of the month, and will need gas by the end of this week. If it wasn't for my parents I do not know what I would do.

Finally, I love my father, but I have spent all of my life CONSTANTLY trying to impress him.  If I get a good grade on a test, he is the first to know.  They day I did an IV...I was excited to tell him.  I told others, but he was the one I wanted to tell the most.  Often time when I do tell him something positive, I barely get a response, sometimes I get a negative response("Oh you got a B?  What happened to an A?"), and sometimes he will say good job.  UGH I hate this about me the most.

So there ya go...some insight into me...There is so much more because I am a complex person. I had to put this in a blog because it is running through my head, and I am sure no one wants to listen to me talk about myself in real you, my dear bloggers, get the luck to listen to me ramble :)

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Sunday, June 07, 2009

Things 3 year olds shouldn't say...or me for that matter.

Today, Brooke said something to me that 3 year olds should not say.  This is also something I say often, that I SWORE I'd never say to my child when I was younger.

Me: Brooke...are you ready for bed?

Brooke: No mommy.

Me: Why not?

Brooke: Because

Me: Because?  Why arent you ready for bed?

Brooke: Because I said so.

WTF????  It is just like nails going down a chalkboard when she says this because that means something I swore I'd never being thrown back in my face.


Another gem...Don't criticize me..because this USED to work...

Me:  Let's go inside Brooke.

Brooke:  I don't want to mommy.

Me: Mommy's going to cry...(btw..why do we always refer to ourselves in third person?)

Brooke:  Go ahead.

WTF??? When did my child become so insensitive. LOL


Me: Brooke GO TO BED! (the way I say it sometimes makes her cry..)

After she is done crying and lying in bed...

Brooke: Mommy, I'll be nice now.

Me: Ok honey...Go to sleep. I love you.

Brooke: Mommy, I'm sorry now.

Me:  Ok honey, I love you, now go to sleep.

Brooke: Mommy, can I give you a hug?

Me: Yes honey...I love you.

Ok...I'll wait for you all to say "Awwwwwwwwwwww". 

The next morning....

Brooke: Mommy, are you still mad?

Me: No honey. I love you. (She wasn't suppose to remember that!)



Here are some shorts of things that were said to us in class by our instructor...and my response.  And yes I said this stuff out loud .

Instructor: Personalities are pretty concrete. This means that a 2 year old's personality will probably never change.

Me: Good God....I'm in trouble.


Instructor: (teaching on Bipolar disorder)  Many people with bipolar are very impulsive in their manic phase. For instance, they will be less choosey on who they have sex with.

Me: Well...I guess that goes to prove I am not bipolar, since I am not having any sex.(someone tell me why I admitted that in front of my whole class?)


While discussing advanced directives, and how if you don't have advanced directives..the next of kin is automatically given the responsibility.

Me: So if you are saying that next of kin gets the responsibility that would be my parents, and I am ok with that, because they are very rational.

Instructor: Do you have any brother's and sisters?

Me: I have one of each.

Instructor: Well..there is a possibility that they could fight for that right to make the calls.

Me: Hmmm well I better get one written ASAP then because my sister would be fighting to pull the plug even if there is a 99% possibility that I could recover! In fact, she probably would be begging to do the deed!


I often come out with quips in class...most of the time I get a laugh, but I bet I drive some of the other students nuts. lol