October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month...

Not to take away from Breast Cancer awareness...but October is also Domestic Violence awareness month.

Many or all of you do not know my history. But I have experience in domestic violence. I want to tell you a story of what happened to me, or at least the Reader's Digest version. I want to do this, because I hope to give someone courage to leave a domestic violent situation...and that no matter what they can do it.

This is going to be a long one!

I met my ex husband in April of 1999. He was the most attentive, wonderful, caring man I had ever met! I thought he was the man of my dreams. He loved my family..my family loved him! He had custody of his 4 kids because he told me that he rescued them from an abusive mother. Little did I know, he was the abusive one. She may have been abusive to the kids, I dont know, and will never know.

I saw the signs early, but didnt realize they were signs.

First, was his controlling behaviour. At the time I was living in Michigan...and he was in Ohio(where I am from). Often we would keep in contact online during the week and I would travel to Ohio on the weekend to spend it with him and his family. We were talking in a chat room with some of my other friends. I said something that upset him..and he got very snappy with me in the chat room. My girlfriend Karen said something to him about it and he told her to mind her own business. From that day on...I was not allowed to be friends with Karen.

One morning I woke up and checked my voicemail. He left me a message, a very angry one. He wanted to know where I was, and who I was with. When I talked to him later in the morning, he could not believe that when he called me I did not hear the phone ringing while I slept. Shortly after he asked me to move in. I am thinking, so he could keep an eye on me.

For the 5 months or so...things got worse by the day. I would get yelled at for nothing. I would have to stay up late with him because I wasnt allowed to go to bed without him...then I would have to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school. I would lay on the couch, and he would throw a fit. I was to come back to bed and rub either his back or feet. I was not allowed to fall back asleep. He would fall back asleep and if he woke up and I wasnt rubbing...Id get nudge to keep it up. He didnt work...well for very long anyways, which is whole other story. He was always looking for ways to scam the system. He eventually had an accident at work, that he was collecting workmans comp for. He supposedly hurt his back, but it never kept him from picking me up and throwing me against the wall or on the bed eventually.

The first time something physical happened...was totally bizarre. We got into an argument. I decided I needed a break. I went and got my coat on and was going to go for a drive. He pinned me up against the counter and wouldnt let me move or leave. Being that I felt trapped, I smacked him across the face. (which later Battered Women Services told me that this was a normal response). All hell broke loose after that. Without getting into the play by play...I was thrown against the wall, choked, thrown to the floor and smacked in the mouth(leaving a fat lip).

The worse beating I ever got was when I got smart with him. He grabbed me...threw me to the floor grabbed the front of my hair and started banging my head into the floor, he then picked me up and threw me on the bed, straddled my body(he was estimated to be around 350 lbs then)holding down my arms with his knees and punched me in the left eye. My eye was swollen shut for 4 days..and black and blue for 2 weeks.

The beatings were bad...but the name calling killed me more then that. There were times he would get in my face, yell at me, call me names...and in my mind I was begging him to just hit me and get it over with. I later found out that for most abused women...they felt the same things.

I left him 4 times before I left for good. There is a statistic that an abused woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. There was a cop that worked for my dad as a side job...he told me this and then he said to me "Dawn...dont make the average..". That will always stay in my mind.

Twice I stayed at the Battered Woman's Shelter...that was the most humbling experience in my life. Sure there were women there that really abused the system..but there were some there that just tore my heart strings. It wasnt the best of places to live...but it was such a relief to know that I wasnt going to be called names, or beaten. I learned alot in the shelter and it was the best thing I had ever done.

One thing I must say...the most dangerous time for a woman is after leaving an abuser. This is why it is important to go somewhere that an abuser doesnt know...such as a friends that the abuser doesnt know where they live, or a shelter. I found this out the hard way.

My ex still tried to court me after the last time I left him. He would ask me to meet him for dinner so I could sign a paper, or talk. I was stupid and did. He didnt do anything in these meetings, but what happened after I stopped them...did things get bad.

Mother's Day 2002 he showed up at my parents where I was staying...with the kids. It was around 11PM! The kids brought me mother's day cards. Each which said that they missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home. That night..he stayed in the car while the kids gave me the cards and I gave each of them a hug. They went back to the car, and ex said he forgot to give them some mail I needed. So he got out of the car and came to the door. After the kids were out of ear shot...I gave him an ear full. I told him that I was really angry that he had sunk to a new low..and that I was filing for a divorce as soon as possible. It was over. He told me he was in counseling...blah blah blah. I told him to leave and walked in the house and shut the door in his face.

2 months later...I had started dating a wonderful guy. We had been dating a month. We went to a wedding and went to the bar. We came home and went into my room. It was July so the window was open. First, him and I had never had sex. We fooled around, but never did anything that could be called sex. I had a few to drink, so I was a little on the ummm horny side. I took off my dress and bent over and kissed him. Outside my bedroom window came my ex's voice "That is my wife you are fucking". My then boyfriend turned to the window and said, "what are you going to do about it". My ex said "Im going to fucking kill you.", he then punched through the window with what we think was a box cutter. Needless to say...911 was called about 10 cop cars later.. they couldnt find him.

2003 he finally turned himself in. He was found guilty of criminal damaging and menacing. He appealed and lost. He is still wanted, because he failed to show for sentencing.(His original sentence was 90 days, 60 days suspended with 30 served under house arrest. The 60 days were suspended as long as he had no contact with me or my then boyfriend. Oh btw..they tried to plea bargin with him..and the only reason he wouldnt take the plea was because he didnt want to pay for the screen and he didnt want the no contact stipulation.(How smart was he?LOL)

While he was in court for the charges, he was served with a temporary protection order...I had tried to get a protection order a few times, but he dodged service(answering the door and saying he was his cousin..and that he was in another state, etc.). With CPOs, if the person is not served...it is not in effect. Boy was he ticked that he got served! Later that year...I got my divorce finally(he dodged that service too), and the CPO hearing. He was going to fight the CPO but something happened on the way into the court room. His lawyer pulled him aside...they came in and said that they agreed to it. My attorney thinks that his lawyer said that he would not represent him in the appeal unless he agreed. This was the last time I saw him..

I still look over my shoulder, or if Im outside at my house and hear a sound in the woods, I still get scared. I worry Im going to run into him..but thankfully never have.

A leapord doesnt change his spots..and this is proof. During all these court hearings...he kept talking about his fiancee. I think to make me jealous...didnt work. I felt sorry for her.... About two months after all this ended...I was looking up stuff on the court site to see what was going on with him...She had filed a CPO against him too.

All this comes to head because..she contacted me. Turns out..he beat her too. She also told me that they were never engaged(she has since married), in fact...she never loved him. We traded stories..and so much was similar..good thing for her..she got out when she did.

There is soooo much more to the abuse. Threats against me and my family if I left. There were letters he sent to my family filled with lies and half truths(he wrote in the letter to my sister that I said my dad was having an affair, and that I was a prostitute a few years before...He told her that I said my mom was a druggie and alcoholic and was doing all this while she was prego with me...you get the picture). I am currently working on a book to detail many of the other things. I am hoping to colaborate with the girl he dated after me.

Ok...I hope you have gotten this far if you need to(if you dont need to..thanks for reading my ramblings). If you needed to read this..I wrote this because I want those of you to know that are in this situation...you can get out! They do not change. I know. I went back 3 times because he said he had changed.

If he has you feeling trapped because of money or transportation...there are ways around that. You can do it without him. He will not be the charming, loving guy you met...no matter how much you wish he will.

Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Please read this on their website about using the computer to look for help http://www.ndvh.org/help/warning.html. (I had used the library computer a few times)

You dont deserve to be abused. Whether it be physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Please make the call and be safe. If you have kids..dont let them grow up seeing this going on. Statistics show that they will likely grow up to be abusers, or be abused..because that is what they think is the "norm".

If nothing else..I hope I have helped at least one person.

How does carpet taste?

Sunrise has started a new thing....licking! She licks everything..and thinks it is absolutely hillarious!

Today after picking her up at daycare, she licked my arm. Not that I was totally disgusted, but I said.."Ucky!" and she looks up at me and says "Ucky momma!" and busts out laughing hysterically! Tonight, we are sitting in the living room watching tv, and she is running around playing with grandpa, she takes a little dive and starts laughing. She proceeds to roll around like a hot dog and stops on her stomach..and starts licking the carpet. I said "Sunrise!" she looks at me and says "UCKY!" and laughs! Later when I was cleaning up the kitchen, she comes up to me...wraps her arms around my leg and I look down thinking she is giving me a kiss, but nooooooooooooo she is licking my jeans!

Ahhh to be young again and not worry about the lint on your tongue.

Tonight I had to go wire up my muffler. It has been hanging for months and tomorrow I have to go get an echeck. For those of you that dont have to do this, be happy! Basically you have to go in, they hook up your and make it look like Frankenstein and run emissions tests on it, just to tell you it has failed, and you can not get your license plates updated, which leads to you driving illegally(something like Brittney), which leads to a cop pulling you over, which leads to a ticket, which leads to you being broke, carless and desperate. Ohhhh say a prayer it makes it through ok. But I had to hook up my muffler, with the strongest wire hanger ever! Now watch, I will be on the way to work..no make that, it will be after work on the way to the echeck place and the dang thing will fall apart and I fail the echeck. The cycle then begins.

Im off to bed so I can dread waking up in the morning to face the echeck demon man after work.

Another shooting!

Well today in Cleveland another kid lost his mind and started shooting at the school. I guess the kid was a picked on kid, and got suspended the day before for fighting.

I can relate in someways to a kid getting picked on at school, but while going to school I never once thought about doing something violent. I goes to show you the state of this world we live in. The kid ended up committing suicide...luckily(and I know this sounds bad) but he was the only one killed.

Anyways back on to other subjects.

I really should start to carry a notepad with me at all times so I can remember everything I want to blog about..but alas..I don't. I know there were several times the last few days I said"Ohhhhh I need to put that in my blog!" Can I remember a single one of them?? Uhhhhh NO!

I want to say something. I kinda feel bad about some of my language I use/d in my blogs. First I hope I don't offend any of my friends, and second..I'm sorry, but I do sometimes use umm let's say colorful words.

It's hard to blog right now because I'm watching Jeff Dunham. If you haven't seen him, keep an eye out on Comedy Central for him. HILARIOUS! He does ventriloquism(sp?). I just cant help but laugh my tail off.

Here is something he just said..."If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?" LOL Then his dummy named Walter says "Choke a smurf? Is that what they call it now?" LOL

Sunrise has started repeating words! I'm so excited! She would only try to repeat words that were easy...such as GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, MOMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA(which means I'm changing my name from Momma to something she doesn't know..lol), Noooooooooooo, and Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. But the last two days she has said juice...ummm well it came out like zeussssssss...and cookie is ackie. Though..she did get Ucky down pretty good! LOL

My child seems to get a kick out of pooping in her diaper! I say Ucky! And says UCKKYYYYYYY and laughs her full head off!

I have to give props to my little girl. She brushed her teeth tonight and actually did a good job!

Ohhhhh I remember what I wanted to post about. For some strange reason this weekend I started watching The Hills. What the heck is up with this show?? Where the heck does this kids get the money they spend. I know they get about 10,000 a show, but come on. They go to clubs 8 nights a week! They have nice apartments! And drive awesome cars. Now from what I read that the apartments that Lauren and Heidi Audrina live in is in an area that the apartments run about 4,000 a month. Now if you do the math...they would have to be in debt! Especially since they get the top of the line clothing. According to the producers they do not know how Lauren affords the apartment and clothes, but there is some speculation that her parents are loaded. I don't know...I never watched before this season.(Is it sad that I watch this show? LOL).

My name is Dawn and I am a tv addict! We have 3 DVR's in my house..and tonight I have them all recording. On one is 'Til Death and Pushing Daisies at 9, Private Practice, On the other is Kid Nation, Kitchen Nightmares, and the other Bionic Woman(I am going checking that out tonight).

Meantime the DVR in my room has about 6 hours of shows I need to watch yet like House, Reaper, and all of the Monday night ABC line up. Two and a half men...etc.(this does not include several Blue's Clues for Sunrise) I have been spoiled with the DVR. I can not stand commercials anymore so I just record everything and fast forward.

Speaking of, I better get to watching them! I am going to Mechanics this weekend, and I don't want anything to get erased because of lack of space....So for now....Ciao

My mom rocks but....

she just doesnt get it. But I think that is what grandparents are about. I have decided not to teach Brooke about certain things, until she starts to understand a little better the term "It's time to stop". Granted she probably will never accept that term, but she will understand it.

Two days ago mom was doing dishes. She pulls a stool over for Sunrise to stand on and "help" her. (More like slamming her hand in the water to see if the water can reach to the ceiling). Well she let her play a little while longer after the dishes were done and said that it was time to stop.(Remember that term from the paragraph above) Sunrise lowered herself onto the floor (she used to drop to the floor, but she learned that that can hurt the noggin)and screamed and screamed and pulled her "Im not going to breathe" tactic...all which do not work with us. THEN...two days later(I was dealing with a stomach bug)she does dishes again. Sunrise demands asks to "help" again. Grandma is tired and just wants to get it done so she says no....AGAIN...down to the floor and screams for 20 minutes!

Ok...maybe you want to call me a bad mom..but I do not like to teach Sunrise about different things until I have to. For instance...pop(or soda for some of you). Grandpa seems to think that Sunrise needs to have it. Now she needs wants it all the time. UGHHHHH. The kid does not need all that sugar or caffeine. Though in his offense, it is usually non caffeine pop...but still.

Oh well..I guess that is what grandparents are for....

Lower Class=Lower Class???

First let me clear something up. I am capable of beating a sailor in a cussing contest if I wanted to. Having said that, I try not to swear in front of Sunrise...and in front of strangers who might find it offensive. I, also, do not swear a string of words. I might say shit...or damnit...mild in alot of people's eyes. So, I guess you can say...I care! LOL

Well yesterday I am sitting in the drive thru of Mr. Heros. I was on the way home from work and this drive thru sits right in front of the projects. I pull up to the speaker and I can hear screaming from the car in front of me. Screaming the foulist nastiest language imaginable...Not to mention it was in very ebonics. I heard "bitch ass hoes" "damn" "shit" and every other word....As I am sitting there, ticked because I have to hear this language, I see this little hand pop up in the back seat holding a sippy cup! These people are cussing and swearing and carrying on in front of a child! How wrong is that?

Am I just being too sensitive? Or is the norm?

It got me to wonder...Being that Im willing to bet that these people came from the projects there(their car turned into the projects from the restaurant), does that give them a right to have lower standards in life? Dont get me wrong, I do not look down on people who receive government assistance...WHEN NEEDED...but since when did a requirement of receiving government assistance include being rude?

I currently work for an organization that helps people find and retain jobs. Part of our program includes a program that is like a work experience program for those on welfare. Same thing comes out of there. We were on break and one of the work experience people comes out and starts complaining out tired they were working. She only works 5 hours a day!!! Come on!!

I guess Im just frustrated. I wish I had no morals and attitude to sit on the system and get paid for nothing.

NOW before someone freaks out....This does not pertain to those that NEED the system. Like those that are on disability for REAL disabilities...those who have a family and lost their job, and is working actively to find another one...Or like in my case...those who work, but just need a little help for the extras. Yes, I am "on the system". However, I get health insurance...that is it. In a world like today...you have to have health insurance. I work...I take care of my child..and Im trying to start a new business...all without the help of a sperm donor.

I get so sick of how people act today. I cant believe what the schools have come to. It sickens me to hear of the weapons, the drugs, and the teachers sleeping with students. I have decided that I will be homeschooling Sunrise if it kills me!

Where is the respect? Where is the please and thank yous? Where are the concerned parents? Where do these kids learn this stuff?

UGHHHHHHH I just realized I heard the same things when I was growing up! Now I feel old!

After The Weekend

So we went to mechanics for Saturday night. Things were nice to a point.

I swear...there should be a class for bachelors on how to keep a clean house. Now, mechanic tries...he tries hard...but face it a single man with a 16 year old son's version of a clean place is the total opposite of a mom's idea of a clean house. Bless his heart..he did try. Things were picked up...but oh my goodness!

The floor was not swept..I guess he told his kids to do it, of course they said he said he would do it. I felt like I was walking on sand! Then it all came to a head when I went to take a shower on Sunday morning(after another explosive diaper incident! UGH!). There was so much soap scum on the tub! I took a can of comet and scrubbed for about 10 minutes, and only got the bottom of the tub clean. I told him I was bringing the steam cleaner next weekend and it was getting a good cleaning. Of course he was embarrased..but he is a man..I cant expect too much. It was clean in his eyes...Soap scum is soap..Right? LOL

Overall it was a good weekend. We had some good conversations and a wonderful dinner. We went to Red Lobster and had probably the most expensive meals there! Yummy!(though Red Lobster needs to get steak off their menu..they dont know how to cook it).

I need to wrap this up...I came home from work sick today and I am still feeling pretty gross.

I just wish I had the wit about me that I used to..but I think with everything going on my body is just needing a rest.

Though I have to send props to myself...I have done 3 posts in the last 4 days. That is pretty good for me.

More tomorrow!!