What in the world am I going to do????

Alternate Title: RIP My Car

ALternate Title: I am SCREWED!

My car died! And it died HARD!

I went to get into it this morning to take Sunrise to daycare, and me to work. I got onto the street and it just didnt want to go very fast. I thought.."Ok...it HAS to make it..I need this car..so just keep pressing the gas and it will wake up!"(imagine a scene where a child with a dying love..."Wake up!! You have to wake up!!!" with tears streaming down the face and eye going immediatly to bloodshot. This was me this morning!

I got down to the end of the road and decided that there was no use. And I said outloud..."Im screwed". I turned it around and limped drove it back home. When I pulled into the driveway...a puff of smoke blew out the side. It smelled like serious oil burning. After giving it it's last rites, I found that luckily my dad was home(thank god he works late on Fridays) and he took me and Sunrise to our destination.

I depend on my car so much. I need it to go to work, to go to school, to get Sunrise to daycare so I can do these things. If I was able to take the bus, I would...but the nearest stop is a mile down the road, on a 2 lane VERY busy road(45 MPH..listed..but most go 55) and it has no sidewalks. There is no way Sunrise will wait for a bus out there.

So here I sit at work..trying, for the life of me, to figure out how in the world I am going to get another car! Thankfully it is the weekend and I dont HAVE to go anywhere...but I am screwed.

I keep hoping that I will get home today to find my car sitting there with a smile on it's pretend face...and I will sit in it..it will start up and be as good as it was...but instead I know what will happen. I will get home, get in it...start it, smoke will come billowing out the engine...and I will for sure....be screwed!

Anyone have a car that I can buy for around $350??? LOL That is going to hold up for me?? I didnt think so.

I cry everytime I hear this song..or see this video

You almost have to live it...to understand it...

Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You
Download Music Video Code at Www.yallwire.com

I love this song

Rascal Flatts - I'm Movin' On
Video Codes at Www.yallwire.com

NO ONE BLOG!!!!!

No one better blog for the next 11 hours! I need to study for my final tomorrow at 9AM.  Then you are permitted to blog...but then...you have to stop at midnight Friday night..so I can study for the BIG exam Monday at 9 AM! 

Then you all may presume your blogging pleasures :)

BTW..how does this look?  I am trying my blog writing in Windows Live Writer...When I get time..I'm going to play with the inserts..see how well they look...but the strikeouts works so wonderfully!! OMG I'm so excited!!! WOOHOOO! :)

Racing against time...TWITTER!

OK...I have a twitter account..and I want SOMEONE to freaking follow me.

BTW..I am following Amanda and mommypie now... :)

45 minutes left until the scheduled outage!! I have won the race! LOL

Domestic Violence...again

Sorry to bring this up..but there is much I want to say about this since it is being/was discussed on one of my favorite blogs(Im goin to keep the name of the blog to myself this time due to the sensitive topic).

If you dont need to read this, please feel free to skip it. I am just putting it out there for those that need to read it, and you never know...you might need some info later.

Some facts about domestic violence there are not all the facts..just some of them.
I use he..because that is what I know...I tried to change them all to he/she..but it just took too much work. Just know that abuse can be from a woman too.

• Verbal abuse is abuse! It can be as damaging, if not worse than physical abuse to an extent. I would sometimes beg in my head for my ex to stop screaming at me and calling me names..and just hit me to get it over with. I can still feel the feelings I had when he would call me names..but I do not remember the pain from when he hit me.
• Get out! For your safety, and for your kids(if applicable!). Trust me...if a child grows up in an abusive home, they will either repeat this cycle by being an abuser or being abused. It makes me sick to think of Sunrise going through what I went through.
• If he/she tells you your family told him that they want nothing to do with you...it is more than likely a lie. My ex used this to keep me there. I thought my parents thought I was the worse person on earth and that they wanted nothing to do with me...which made me feel like I had nowhere to go. Lies.
• There is more than likely government agencies in your area that can help you...you just need to swallow your pride an ask. Contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)...they can direct you where to get help.
• Lack of money is no reason to stay. My ex took my money from me whenever I had it...so I wouldnt have anything of my own. When I got to the shelter, they gave me all the clothes I needed, not to mention all the personal items I needed.
• HE/SHE WILL NEVER EVER EVER change! Dont think he/she will. Sure he/she was incredible when you met him/her, but think about it...would you have stayed if he/she was like he is now?? Of course not..and they know that.
• After you leave...see the previous bullet point. He will tell you he has...and he will even seek counseling...but that is just to get you back into his lair.
• When you leave....HIDE! Most domestic violence related deaths happen after the abused has left. The abuser has no more control, so he loses it and will do anything to make you know it.
• YOU CAN DO BETTER! YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU ARE BETTER! What he says that you are..Not true. You do not deserve what he does to you. My ex used to tell me that I was useless..and that I needed him.
• YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! My ex had me so convinced I was insane that he was trying to get me committed when I left. Not to mention all the meds he got my psych to give me just by him going to my appointments and exaggerating things that I told him. (Like...sometimes I could get so angry I could scream at my then stepson...he would turn it around to say that I wanted to beat him or something..which I would have NEVER done).
• Just because he doesnt hit you...doesnt mean it isnt abuse. I knew a lady who was emotionally abused(never struke once)...Untle he pushed her out a 2nd story window..and beat her with a board. She is now a parapalegic...and will never walk again. It all changed in 30 seconds.
• Have an escape plan...have a bag packed that contains important information, birth certificates, legal papers..etc...If you have to give it to someone to keep for when you do escape..then do so.
• Abuse knows no age or relationship. Teens to the elderly are getting abused. There was a woman in her 70s at the shelter..she was black and blue...and her wounds were caused by her son. There are many teens being abused now...
• LEGAL AID! I received legal aid in assiting me get my restraining order, and my divorce. It didnt cost me anything. In my area they have court advocates who will help you get your restraining order...and divorce. When I got my restraining order and divorce...my advocate was there. In fact, they court looks more highly on someone with a advocate, then someone without(at least in my county)..because that means that it has to be true and you are more than likely honest to be able to humble yourself and ask for help. I was involved in a trial with my ex for the damage he did...she was there....When I filed the papers to get the restraining order...she helped me fill them out. During my restraining order hearing, I sat between her and my attorney...and she would touch me every so often to remind me that she was there(when you are in a room with the man that has beaten you...I dont care who is there also, you are still scared shitless that he is going to jump the table and come after you). When I needed her in the beginning of the trial..the DA called her immediatly and she rushed right over to escort me over to the domestic courts to get my papers for the restraining order, so they could be served after the jury was escorted out to deliberate...(previous attempts to serve him were unsuccessful..he hid from service).
• More importantly...love yourself to get yourself out...you deserve more. There is a love out there that you can truly accept.
• And the day you leave...CELEBRATE IT!!! every year! I do...10/21/01 was my Independence day..and that is what I call it!

I am putting my blog on moderated comments so that if anyone needs to talk to me..they can comment and give me their email address, or even a phone number if they want me to call and the comment will not show on the blog(I will delete it, as to keep anonimity). Chances are...what you are experiencing, I have experienced(Maybe not specifically..but at least generally). The emotions, fears, questions...those I am SURE that I have experienced because you would be surprised how much of this, we victims go through the same!

Flyby update...

I'm goin to try to make this fast..I have studying to do and all that other good stuff.

Happy Father's day to any fathers and or grandpas that may still read my blog..but I think I lost most of them.

Sunrise is becoming more of her own woman..lol(OK ...as much woman as a 2 year old can do). Which leads to this...she may have adrenal hyperplasia. Her hormones are kicking in 10 years early. It is a concern, but it isnt anything to be real worried about as long as it is treated.

I have not quit my job yet...boss is acting like nothing happened. We will see what happens. I will be quitting it is just a matter of when.

School is going great...Im sitting on 3 As right now. I have 1 more test and 2 finals to get through. I should have no problem sitting on the A.

Has anyone used Microsoft's onenote?? Im thinking about using that next semester to take notes in my A&P2 class...I have 2 1/2 weeks of no school coming up that I am going to explore it.

Ok I gotta run...the nervous system isnt going to study itself ya know....

tata
Dawn

Maybe there is a God

As I haven't made it very quiet, how I have a lot of bitterness towards God, or the existence of God...Today, as I read through my blogs I sit here weeping tears of joy, and the realization that maybe there is a God after all.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about little Nate. As I wrote that post, my heart just ached so bad for him and his family. I cried as I posted my post then...and now I sit here crying again, with this post, but in a totally different way.

Little Nate does NOT have SMA! SMA has a very poor prognosis when it is shown at such an early age. Unfortunately, it leads to death before 2 years of age. Amber and her family has received the blood work back and it shows NORMAL! And all of the functions that he had lost, are starting to return. Please go over to her site and celebrate with her!

Please continue though to keep him and their family in your heart and prayers...because there are still issues that they need to find what is causing them.

To Quit or Not To Quit....

THAT is the question.

Things today have certainly made me ponder this question more and more. Eventually I am going to have to quit, but Im thinking it would be in my sanity's and my daughter's best interest to do it sooner than later. Money would be tight to say the least...but it could be done.

Few things to consider first...
I work for an organization that does online auctions. I have worked there 3 years. Our hours are 8-4:30..where if someone local wants to pick something up ..they can do so between 9-2. Now...the 8-4:30 is not set in stone..it is just something we do. Currently I work 2 hours after school on Monday and Tuesday...8-4:30 Wed and thurs and 12-4:30 on Fridays. Which as you can understand...appointments are hard to make before/after school or work. This also sucks...because by the time I pick up Sunrise...get her home...somehow come up with something nutrious for dinner..though hard to cook with so little time...eat, get her cleaned up, dishes done...bath if needed...shower for me... her to bed....Then maybe..I can study. This usually ends up being 8:30 usually...and I am exhausted and usually can not get the energy to study.... soooooo...I lay down fall asleep...and the day starts all over again.

On Monday & Tuesday...our class usually gets out at 1..but the class is scheduled until 2...so I am scheduled to work at 2:30(which is stupid..because I get a half hour lunch during class, and work is literally 2 minutes around the corner from school). When I started school..my boss said.."Im flexible"...blah blah...So..for the first 2 weeks, I walked in early from school..and went to work(my work does not HAVE to be done at any certain time...Heck..if the building was open..I could do it at midnight..... My boss let me do it for a few days..but then started bitching about it. "If your class is suppose to be until 2..you should be there until 2". So...I started leaving...driving 4 miles home...watching tv for an hour...then driving 5 miles back to work(work and school are around the corner from each other)...just to work 2 hours which is usually me just trying to find SOMETHING to do..because the daily posts are done for the day by then. I have asked to just take Monday and Tuesday off..but no go. Which is absolutely stupid..because it isnt like we have to man a register..phone..or computer...the items go up for auction, that is the most important thing.

Tuesday I decided I needed my eyes checked...I have a very small window of opportunity after work to do anything like this(Sunrise has to be picked up by 5:30..)...So I told my boss that i wanted to not take my lunch and leave 30 minutes early the next day(Wednesday). This is NOT the first time I have done this...but this IS the first time that this has been a problem in her eyes. Suddenly, I get attitude...Ok whatever...No more not taking a lunch to leave 30 minutes early. Bitch.

After leaving 30 minutes early yesterday, today I am at work...Sunrises daycare calls and says she needs picked up. She has a rash around her mouth and they want her seen by a doctor to make sure it isnt impetigo. My boss's desk is right beside mine, so she can hear this conversation. So I call my mom, and she is on her way to work...she cant go get her. Which leaves me...I get a hold of her doctor and get her an appointment at 11:40(it's 10). Fine. Hang up the phone...the conversation went something like this...

Me: Boss...what do you want me to do?(Meaning...work wise..I can stall 15 minutes to help you out...whatever you need).

Her: I have to go somewhere(part of her job type of place..not that it matters, because she didnt have to be there because I left, we have another girl in the office) I dont know...what are you going to do? (With a very snide voice) You left early yesterday!

Me: I dont know. (pause...trying not to lose it at this point) Then I stand up and grab my purse....

Her: What are you going to do?

Me: I have to go get her...she has an appointment at 11:40...I dont know what is going on.

Her: Ok fine. Im leaving in an hour

Me: I'll call you on your cell..and let you know

And I leave...long story short..Sunrise is allowed to go back to daycare.(there will be a post on this later...) I leave the doctors office and call Boss and say "I am taking her back to daycare and I will be back in" all she said was "Ok" and we hung up. When I got back to work..she never asked anything about it...and she didnt leave because the place would fall down IF one of us isnt there(very sarcastic). When I got there she decided to leave and go do her visit. I think tomorrow I will be written up for leaving work early 2 days in a row(though I dont believe the day I left 30 minutes early...is leaving early).

On Monday...I have a doctor's appointment that I scheduled 2-1/2 weeks ago. The plan is..that I will come in early from class(even if I have to leave class early...if she doesnt let us go early), work my 2 hours..and go to my appointment. When I reminded her of this..she kinda grunted "fine". I have an appointment at 3:15 on the 18th of this month...which is the latest appointment that I can get(for DJFS). I know..I tried. My case manager said that he leaves at 4...So no choice there. Now...if Sunrise has what I think she has...she is going to see a specialist and go through a bunch of tests...which could mean more doctor appointments....Ohhh my boss is going to be pissed... but what can I do? Oh yeah..did I mention that because of her nastiness lately..Sunrises' ear has been draining real bad..and I have been trying to wait to take her to the ENT at the end of the month when I have some time off of school, so I dont piss off the boss again???(Bad for me to do...I know..but she is getting her ear drops)

So if you got this far...the issues are...first...it is too hard to work this schedule and study...second...my boss decides when she wants to make rules...and enforce them...usually at the last minute....AND she is not compassionate when it comes to taking my daughter to the doctor. We will not mention here that TWICE I have gone to work with pneumonia....One time because she just HAD to take a day off, and when I called her from ER and told her what was going on, her response was "If you call off tomorrow I will kill you".. The second time...I felt guilty to even call off with pneumonia, because it would just make her mad. So both times I have gone to work very ill...and should have been in bed with a cup of soup and a vaporizer. Anytime that I am sick...I go to work anyways and try to make it anyways....usually she will not even acknowledge my hacking and coughing. Until a couple days later when she starts feeling sick, and it is my fault for giving it to her...and she goes home. But...she isnt feeling good...and she is on her way out the door to go home and to bed. Oh yeah..and her 13 year old gets the stomach flu...she calls off. Oh yeah..one more thing..when I was hospitalized with pneumonia last summer..I was in the the ICU step down unit...I was doped up on morphine...I had my mom call her, but I had to call her and let her know because I felt guilty because it pisses her off if someone else calls you off(though I know that this was an exception..but i was so worried Id pissher off...so I called anyways.)

I got to talking to my mom and dad tonight...and my mom is just flabergasted that a) On days I get out of class early, I can not go to work early to do what I gotta do so I can go home. b)Sunrise is asked to leave daycare(btw..this isnt the first time I have had attitude after receiving a call from daycare)and I get an attitude. c) that I can not take 30 minute lunch at the end of the day. and finally d) that she makes up rules as she goes.

The other girl in the office was floored at the way my boss talked to me today when I had to leave. She was frustrated herself with the whole situation. She is worried about me and all the stress I am under because of the job, school and trying to raise a little girl alone. The fact that my boss is changing rules out of the blue...totally flabergasted. (My boss has done this to her too on a different situation..so that adds fuel to the fire). She says that she thinks our boss has multiple personalities LOL

So my thought is..though it would be tough with money, but doable...I should quit. It would save me gas money because I wouldnt be going anywhere 2 days a week...and I wouldnt have to travel home for an hour M&T..then turn around and go back that way...with gas prices like they are...it would help. It would save me stress of dealing with her shit...and it would free up quite a bit of time to study.

After reading this..it sounds like I am being petty...but I think the situation is worse then it sounds. Imagine getting the silent treatment(ok..not quite silent..but no conversation beyond what was necessary)..attitude...and generally feeling like you are indebted to someone who does not even pay you 8/hour! Sorry...but I can quit, easily find a job as a CNA at the hospital making more money...and working hours that would work with doctors appointments and school...so what is the problem?? Guilt...I know if I leave her..she is going to be stressed to no ends. Not to mention...she may have to cancel her vacation here in a few weeks....why the hell can I not get rid of this guilt?

I know it isnt my boss's fault that I am a single mom...but I am...why cant she work with me, instead of making me feel stressed about it?

Am I asking too much? Am I crazy? Am I being petty? I should really think about me and my child first...but I have such a sense of responsibility to her..that I cant do what I gotta do...including calling off when I am sick!