I've been doing alot fo daydreaming...

I know I am weird...I never claimed to be normal. But lately, I have been researching apartments, school districts, cost of nanny/babysitter care, and cars. I know for many...you think "What is so weird about that?"...well the weird thing is..I havent even started school yet, and the earliest any of this will come into play is 2/2010(holy cow...2010..). Which is when my expected date to graduate nursing school(which I havent even started yet).

I think I have the area nailed down that I want to live in. Affordable..but yet good school district…affordable homes(if I decided to go that route that is), and ease of getting where I need to go if I work at the hospitals I plan on.

Now to figure out how much it is to pay a babysitter/nanny. (What is the real difference between these two anyways). I know what the average for daycare for during the day..etc….But what about overnight. I decided that I probably would work nights(typically 7AM to 7PM)because this would leave me to cheaper daycare, less time awake time away from Sunrise…and Im a natural born night owl anyways. I just hope things work out for me the way Im hoping.

I also talked to my mom about buying a new car…she thinks buying new is stupid, but Id rather have a car that is new that is guaranteed for 100,000 miles, then a car that I just don’t know what I am getting into. Know what I mean?

I cant wait to start working and move out of my parents..then I will be able to not have to sleep with Sunrise in the same room! How exciting! Those of you that don’t have to share a room with a kid…let me tell you…it is a pain in the butt to have all you own(except for toys), in one room. I have that and a storage unit..and well I cant live there, so it is a constant moving stuff from place to place.

It is a wonderful dream…and hopefully, it will come sooner then that!

Do you delete comments?

I ask this, because I have been bugged about a comment on my blog. If you are reading this blog..or have read this blog often..dont worry it isnt a comment from you.

This comment came from someone that I have never heard of..nor really think reads this blog other than stumbling across it during a search. It wasnt mean, it wasnt directed towards me...just that I dont agree.

I will probably leave the comment...but Im curious as to how many people censor their comments? And I'm not talking about the spam comments...I do delete those when I do get them.

Oh yeah...It's not a tumor

I forgot to mention what happened when I got back to the room.

I got back there..and after an initial exam by the doctor, he immediatly ordered dilaudid and phenergen(phen for the vomitting). Once the drugs kicked in..they did a lumbar puncture, checking for blood in my spinal fluid, in case of a brain bleed.

Now..if you ever had these meds...it is quite the drug trip experience. I drifted in and out of awake state for about 3 hours...When I was awake..the room was spinning, but not in that hangover vomit way...but in that...WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this is going to be fun way! LOL.

Once they wore off..I tried sitting up and the headache came back immediatly to a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The doctor came back in and said that the tests came back...of the 12 vials they took of spinal fluid...they had blood in them..but the amount decreased the further down it went so it looked like that there was no bleeding in my brain and that the blood was caused by injury to the spinal cord when he did the draw but no worries. SOooooo he loaded me up with another dilaudid and sent me on my way. I asked for no more phenergen because that is what makes me soooo tired. I had it alot when I was in the hospital for the month before I had Sunrise.

Anyways..I got home around 1AM and got sick 6 times(probably coming off of the dilaudid)...finally went to sleep and woke up with no headache. However, for several days..I had a bad backache from the LP. I even have some light pain still..but it is getting better.

Thanks for the concern. But things are back to normal. :)

Maybe it's a tumor....

Monday I woke up with a bad headache. I took 600 mg of Motrin and went to work. I was in meetings all morning and when I got out I took 2 tylenol. None of this helped..it all got worse. After calling the local rapid medical place and finding out that they did not carry the Imitrex shot..I decided to go to the ER. Let me tell you...Freaking craziness!

I walked into the ER almost EXACTLY at 2 PM. After I checked in, I called down to the kitchen(my mom works at the hospital), and asked mom to pick up Sunrise...No problem. The guy behind the glass(Im betting it has to be bullet proof..because on a day like this..they need bullet proof) and he informed me it is going to be long wait unfortunatly. After about 45 minutes..I get called back to triage for my vitals...No problem. My bp was high...my O2 was low...but it wasnt so bad that I was rushed to the back.

I head back out to the waiting area...Now I have been there an hour. No problem. I know the times when I went to ER for breathing issues, I never had to wait...so it was my time. I get called from the waiting room 15 minutes later...progress?? No...freaking registration! While Im sitting there, I can hear everything going on behind that aformentioned bullet proof glass. One of the receptionist says to the on coming receptionist..."If Yada Yada(some name) comes in with a gun shot wound to the left leg, treat him normally and notify security. Security needs to contact the police department". GREAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT....Now Im going to be sitting in a waiting room, waiting for some idiot to come in with a gun probably..who had a shoot out with the police and is going to blow the whole waiting room up. So everytime someone comes in with a limp...I want to run and hide in the bathroom. Ok..so I have an overactive imagination..but that is what I was thinking.

Anyways... 2 gentlemen and one of their girlfriends comes in....2-1/2 hours after my arrival...and sits down in the little cubby hole part of the waiting room that I am in(In direct sight of the door..so I can see when the gun weilding psycho comes limping in). Followed by another girl who comes in. The girl comes in and she says she is there to have her tatoo looked at because she thinks it is infected. She then calls someone on her cell phone and tells them she is having problems breathing..and she will probably get percs or vics...The guys who arrive before her proceed to talk to her. She is wearing this tank top with a little itty bitty jacket over it..with sweat pants. Ratty hair...and pitted face. She proceeds to tell the guys that she is a stripper. And that one of her customers has offered to buy her a house and a brand new SUV but her boyfriend threw a fit and would not allow her to get it. Now..she next proceeds to tell the guys(and me now..who is listening in to this fantasy land she is living in) that she is seperated from her husband of 10 years. He is a "douchebag"(pardon my language but that is what she called him) and he makes 200,000 a year. blah blah blah.

Would you know that she got called back after 1-1/2 hours?????? I think because she is a frequent flyer(as they are called on the ER show..and is drug seeking)Anyways...she is complaining on the phone about coughing and stuff...but she went outside smoking several times. Everytime she left the 2 guys would look at each other and just bust out laughing. The one guy proceeds to say he wanted to know what joint she stripped at, because he would just pay her to get off the stage. Or he would bring monopoly money. One of the times..his girlfriend went outside with her and smoked..she proceeded to tell her that she was getting an SUV(his girlfriend was not present during this conversation originally)from one of her customers. Her roomate is her girlfriend and her husband makes 150,000.

This girl was skanky to say the least..but she was WONDERFUL comic relief. LOL

Soooo back to my wait. I was in tears part of the time I was there..every 20-30 minutes Id get a 3 or 4 minute relief from the throbbing for some reason. 5 hours and 42 minutes into my wait(yes you read that right)...the patient rep came out and had a conversation with me.

Her: You are next on the list if nothing comes in that is an emergency. Like chest pains..a squad..etc.
Me: I realize that Im not considered a life or death emergency but COME ON!!!! Ive been here
Her: 5 hours and 42 minutes
Me: I wasnt going to complain because whenever I have had problems breathing you all usually take me back right away but this is ridiculous. I realize there were some squad issues and I was willing to wait...but 6 HOURS???
Her: 5 hours and 42 minutes. And we have had some come in complaining of breathing and chest pains, which Im sure you can understand how important that is.
My thoughts: (Ummm look witch, do not patronize me!)
Me: What if Im having an aneurysim?
Guy next to me: Or a tumor?
Her: Well that is what Triage is for, the nurse determined that you are not at any risk.
Me: THE NURSE HASNT SEEN ME IN 6 HOURS!
Her: 5 hours and 45 minutes.
Me: 5 hours. I hope you get me back there soon before I have an aneurysm just by this wait alone!
Her: I am sorry for your wait

What I havent said so far...is that at 4 hours, I was seriously considering either...faking a seizure, faking passing out, or going home and calling 911. But Im too honest for that...after all.... I only had to wait 6 hours!

Hellloooooo :)

Hi everyone. I had to take a break.(More on that in a minute). But I wanted to say because of this break, I haven't had a chance to finish reading the book I promised a review on. Hopefully by the end of this weekend.

Next..I had to share a couple pictures of my princess that I had taken with my new/used camera. I gotta brag on my little girl. I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't. LOL

You can especially see in the last photo of her chipped tooth from when she threw a fit at daycare. BTW..So far so good. She is keeping the tooth as of right now..but the dentist said that we cant breathe easy until it has been a year, and that isnt a good guarantee either.

Speaking of trauma....see my next post.

Expanding my reading material

I have been reading a lot. In fact, I am taking a short break from reading Rachel's book.(BTW Rachel..I hope you dont mind if I do a little review about it when Im finished). I was checking out more and more blogs...and getting excited about learning about other peoples lives, adventures and misadventures.

I have discovered the wonderful world of Boobah. When I first saw this show...I refused to let Sunrise watch it. These out of this world creatures look like a flacid penis, tucked away from the freezing cold temperatures of Ohio. But I learned that this show gave me 30 minutes straight of blogworld time.

I have added new blogs to my bloglines, and I will be adding them to my blogroll soon.(as soon as I finish reading this wonderful book that I can't wait to get back to).

So...if I should have brought on more readers by checking out blogs and commenting on some common themes, then welcome! I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

Almost closure for a sensless death

Bobby Cutts Jr was found Guilty on many charges today. This man murdered his pregnant girlfriend, and left his son alone for a couple of days. He hid Jessie Davis's body...and did not tell anyone for awhile(similar story to that of Laci Peterson).

Cutts is currently facing the death penalty. The sentencing is scheduled for the 25th.

I can not help but to think about those lives he destroyed. Not just the biggest loser, Jessie and her unborn child, but also his children...and their families.

I have a cousin who lived next door to Cutts and her family and his had become good friends. I have no idea how this has affected her, because I have not had a chance to talk to her, but I'm sure it has to be a shock and somewhat pain...and they were just friends.

Please remember those lives who have been affected by the sensless murder of Jessie Davis.

My relationship with God

Well..I think I have a few new readers...and some are of the religous kind(for lack of a better term). I want to address my issues of religion.

This is a tough subject for a few reasons...1 is because of the subject matter(which you will see)...2 because it is a touchy subject.

Many years ago, I was a youth director...Highly involved in the church..and very close to God. This has changed over the years due to horrible situations. First before I go into the reasonings...I want to preface it by saying that I know that it wasnt God that did this..I know I shouldnt hold it against him...and I know that it is hard for some to understand.

I have told part of the story to my friend Amanda, and I want to tell the rest of the story..Ok maybe not the WHOLE rest of the story...but part of it.

I have been married twice. Many people do not know this, it is not something I'm proud of, but it is the fact. Legally it was twice...I dont like to count the second marriage because of how it was. But both marriages have jarred my relationship with God.

My first marriage, was to a man who meant well...but he had a very jaded view of God and how things should be. He did not show me this side until after we were married. He was very VERY religous. However religion became part of the cause of the downfall of our marriage. He would criticize me for watching Friends(which at the time was new), and Beverly Hills 90210. He said it was wrong views that should be shown on tv.(However, he loved Star Trek...didnt make sense to me what the difference was). I got criticized once because I finished off a half a can of beer that I was using in cooking. He almost treated me like I was an alcoholic. He would do things like posting a marriage certificate in the bathroom so that after we were taken from the earth..noone would break in and think that we were living in sin. He would donate money to end time prophecy shows...Bob Larson...and the like, plus the tithing to the church. This was an issue because we were not rich...and that money was difficult to lose. He did not want to have sex with me because he was not allowed to have visition of his son(from before he was saved), so he did not want anymore children. He felt that it was his mission in life to ridicule people into becoming saved...Needless to say I felt trapped in this marriage. I asked him to get couples counseling through the church, but not with the pastor that married us. By a neutral party, and he refused. Which ended our marriage. I could not handle living like a caged animal.

Second...my second marriage. The abuse that I posted about in my domestic violence post was done because it was my ex's responsibility according to the Bible to keep me in line. That it was his job to do whatever means he had to do to make sure I was obedient, because he was the head of the household. You can read that post for how bad it got...but it put another very bad taste in my mouth.

Finally...Sunrise is a result of a relationship that should not have happened...or should it have? I can NOT and will not repent for a sin that resulted in the most beautiful child in my life. When I went to a church to talk about this...I was pretty much ignored. When I needed to talk to someone the most, I was ignored..and it hurt, it hurt my heart that was already damaged by the thought of religion and God.

Maybe one day I will be able to go into a church without getting physically ill, but I do not look at that happening anytime soon.

So this is just to give you my very few readers into why I am the way I am...but please do not judge me for my lack of belief in the one you call God.

New Obsessions

I have developed new obsessions.

First..Ive become crazy about reading blogs! I read them all too..UGHHH. I dont get to comment as much as I should...but I promise to do so.

Second...Medical shows. I have always been fanatic about House and Greys Anatomy...But dang it...I have started getting involved in older ERs that are played on TNT during the day(THANK GOD FOR DVRs). Which leads to my next obsession.......

NOAH WYLE...Wow...Something about that man makes me curl my toes without being touched! Wooohoooo....

Ok...I think I have cooled off now...

So many thoughts...where to start...

I have so many things I have been wanting to blog about...but Im afraid certain subjects will get lost. So this one is a little bit of a catch up..and I'll post as I go this weekend.

First, I finally used up all the film in my new camera. So hopefully I will have some photos scanned Sunday night or early next week.

Im still waiting to hear from nursing school...hopefully by the second week in March they say.

I am going to do a book review, hopefully Sunday night. Im excited about this book...and the author is one of my most favorite bloggers...Stay tuned. (BTW...she doesnt even know Im goin to review it..hehehehe, she will find out when she reads my blog..(Can ya guess who it is?).

I finally got the wire I need to download videos on my laptop...so look for more videos of the child....lol

Ohhhh something Im REAL excited about is the Ultimate Blog Party..look for that information coming up soon.

Ok...enough of that...read the other blogs..for more.

Deleted Post

I deleted a post that I wrote a few days ago, ut it was all whining and complaining about things that honestly, I don't think you all would care about.

It was just one of THOSE nights.

There will be another post today/tonight.

Frustration

Im going crazy! I want to customize my blog, but I just cant figure out how. I wanted to download my template and customize it in Dreamweaver, but evertime I download my template Dreamweaver shows it as all text coding, instead of a design. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Im giving up on Men...

No, I don't have an attitude...just that they are so time consuming, and right now, I think I need to concentrate on Sunrise...and then school will be starting in May, I just dont think I could give my all to a relationship right now. I would love to, ohhhhhhhh how I would love to, but it just wont work, I dont think.

Having said that...I want to take it back. I dont want to give up on men, I want a man in my life, I want to be loved and love as much as I am loved. It would take a very patient man to be in our lives right now. I dont get to get out much because I just dont have a regular sitter. I have my mom, but she works every other weekend. So he would have to be able to be flexible.

I did sign up for Match.com for one month. I wanted to see what it was about. There are 4 guys that winked at me that I winked back at. We will see what kind of responses that happen. I dont know if they will even become anything, since you really have to pay for it to go any further than that. If they are not cheapskates, then I guess I will be hearing back from them..if they are..then that is the end..LOL

I am going to start reading single dad blogs, I just need to start finding them. Maybe I can get the perspective from their side.

As you can tell, Mark did not work out. He stated he didnt feel like I was "the one". I think it was because we took Sunrise to a gym type playground and he got reminded of what it was like to have a toddler around. That is ok..if he cant hang with Sunrise, he cant hang with me. LOL

I'm not meaning to sound like I'm down on men, because I really am not. I just don't think that men really get what it is like to be a single mom(except for those few that have their children full time of course). MOST men have their children part time, and can schedule their life around that...but for me, I have Sunrise full time. Her dad is not in the picture and never will be. So if you want me...you get Sunrise, it is a full time complete package.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't give some of my dates a fair chance. I mean there was the truck driver...who really liked me and loved Sunrise. Treated her real well..but I just didn't feel the spark. I stayed with him for 3 months, and I just couldn't do it any more. Maybe it was just me. Or there is the quiet one who I really care about, but I cant stand to be around him in person because he just doesn't know how to communicate. When I say communicate, I mean he doesn't talk...he doesn't know how to carry on a conversation. You get him online in a conversation, he is absolutely hilarious. I told him many times if he was this open in person, then I would be jumping his bones. LOL He says he is working on it.

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of dating....Of course, I could be persuaded to date...just gotta find the right persuader. LOL