Is it possible to fail at finding friendships?

"And the days went by like paper in the wind. Everything changed, then changed again. It's hard to find a friend. It's hard to find a friend."
- Tom Petty

This isn't a pitty me post, by no means...because right now I am OK with it.  I don't have many "friends".  I have people on message boards, people's who blogs I read, and who read my blog, and people I go to school with.

Each group have their own connection with me.  Some are mother's with children the same age as my daughter, some who have a connection of single parenthood, and some who go through the hell we call nursing school, and that is it.  I have yet to find someone who I can just bitch to, be bitched at, cry on a shoulder, have someone cry on my shoulder, laugh at the stupid things, cry at the stupid things, call when I wanna chat, be called when they need an ear.

So I looked inside myself and tried to figure this out.  The first thing is that you must reach out to find friends.  I have done this, and apparently have not done it very well.  I gave up.  I tried to be a friend...the people I go to school with, 90% of them are much younger than me..and often talk about things going on in their life.  I give my opinion using my wisdom of age(oh that sucks to even think that way..but it is true). Unfortunately or fortunately, I do not candy coat it. I say what I think, what I feel, or what I have experienced.  Maybe I should just say whatever that person thinks I should say???  Maybe that is a mistake.

I try to define friendship...I mean true friendship...and maybe I am being too hard on what I consider a friend.  I mean if there was a real serious crisis in my life, I know there are several people I could call...but I could just not call these people because I was frustrated with Sunrise and need a mommy minute with another adult.

Maybe this is what friendship is when you get to <ahem> middle age(ok..not quite there..but working on it). 

I have no friends from high school(except those that found me on facebook..and those aren't really even friends)...or college for that matter (the first two times through)...

My phone NEVER rings unless someone wants to help me with a mortgage problem(when I don't even have a mortgage), or it's truck driver who is checking in(yeah he is a friend..but there are too many strings attached to that friendship)...and I think that is what I miss most. I want someone to call me to just say.."Hey..what's up?  Let me tell you about my day."

I also wonder if it isn't because I have experienced more in my life than the average person?  When someone says that they are going through a bad time with a roommate...yep..been there, let me tell you how it happened to me, and how I resolved it.  Or when someone says...I am always having car troubles, hmmm yep...went through4 cars in 2 years...been there....or other sordid details(and more horrific) of my crazy freaking life. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut as to what I have gone through and pretend I never have been through it?

Maybe I am trying to connect with the wrong type of people?  The younger ones, appear to not look at me as a possible friend, but as someone who takes a class with them who is old.  Yes...I am old...at least compared to them. There is one or two who I look at like I want them to be like a little sister to me. I want to take them under my wing and protect them, but they don't need protection, I just need a friend.

Or maybe...it isn't the fact that I am not friendship material, but just not to the people in my contact.

I don't know..these things I am going to have to ponder and figure out what I need to do to become more friendship material......

Geologists????

A few months ago I had a few chats with this moron. 

He was obviously trying to scam me..Tonight I got a pm from some guy who seems a little odd...something didnt seem right.  Then it hit me...he too is a "geologist".  Why is it that scammers are geologists?  I guess that is because then they have an excuse to be out of the country and need money to get back.  

How much you wanna bet he will ask for money before the end of this weekend? Oh I can't wait to screw with his tiny brain :)  He just doesn't know who he is fucking with :)

I'll post the convo when it happens ;)

Repost of my domestic violence story

On Wednesday I will be a guest on the Cocktail Cafe show on the blog talk radio. The subject will be on domestic violence.  Since my readership has increased since the first time I posted this by quite a bit, I thought it would be good repost it in case it can help someone else.  Join us on Wednesday night at 9PM est.  

By the way there is a surprising update to the story in italics about half way down too. (actually I guess I shouldn't have been surprised)

Many or all of you do not know my history. But I have experience in domestic violence. I want to tell you a story of what happened to me, or at least the Reader's Digest version. I want to do this, because I hope to give someone courage to leave a domestic violent situation...and that no matter what they can do it.

This is going to be a long one!

I met my ex husband in April of 1999. He was the most attentive, wonderful, caring man I had ever met! I thought he was the man of my dreams. He loved my family..my family loved him! He had custody of his 4 kids because he told me that he rescued them from an abusive mother. Little did I know, he was the abusive one. She may have been abusive to the kids, I dont know, and will never know.

I saw the signs early, but didnt realize they were signs.

First, was his controlling behaviour. At the time I was living in Michigan...and he was in Ohio(where I am from). Often we would keep in contact online during the week and I would travel to Ohio on the weekend to spend it with him and his family. We were talking in a chat room with some of my other friends. I said something that upset him..and he got very snappy with me in the chat room. My girlfriend Karen said something to him about it and he told her to mind her own business. From that day on...I was not allowed to be friends with Karen.

One morning I woke up and checked my voicemail. He left me a message, a very angry one. He wanted to know where I was, and who I was with. When I talked to him later in the morning, he could not believe that when he called me I did not hear the phone ringing while I slept. Shortly after he asked me to move in. I am thinking, so he could keep an eye on me.

For the 5 months or so...things got worse by the day. I would get yelled at for nothing. I would have to stay up late with him because I wasnt allowed to go to bed without him...then I would have to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school. I would lay on the couch, and he would throw a fit. I was to come back to bed and rub either his back or feet. I was not allowed to fall back asleep. He would fall back asleep and if he woke up and I wasnt rubbing...Id get nudge to keep it up. He didnt work...well for very long anyways, which is whole other story. He was always looking for ways to scam the system. He eventually had an accident at work, that he was collecting workmans comp for. He supposedly hurt his back, but it never kept him from picking me up and throwing me against the wall or on the bed eventually.

The first time something physical happened...was totally bizarre. We got into an argument. I decided I needed a break. I went and got my coat on and was going to go for a drive. He pinned me up against the counter and wouldnt let me move or leave. Being that I felt trapped, I smacked him across the face. (which later Battered Women Services told me that this was a normal response). All hell broke loose after that. Without getting into the play by play...I was thrown against the wall, choked, thrown to the floor and smacked in the mouth(leaving a fat lip).

The worse beating I ever got was when I got smart with him. He grabbed me...threw me to the floor grabbed the front of my hair and started banging my head into the floor, he then picked me up and threw me on the bed, straddled my body(he was estimated to be around 350 lbs then)holding down my arms with his knees and punched me in the left eye. My eye was swollen shut for 4 days..and black and blue for 2 weeks.

The beatings were bad...but the name calling killed me more than that. There were times he would get in my face, yell at me, call me names...and in my mind I was begging him to just hit me and get it over with. I later found out that for most abused women...they feel the same things.

I left him 4 times before I left for good. There is a statistic that an abused woman will leave her abuser an average of 7 times before leaving for good. There was a cop that worked for my dad as a side job...he told me this and then he said to me "Dawn...dont make the average..". That will always stay in my mind.

Twice I stayed at the Battered Woman's Shelter...that was the most humbling experience in my life. Sure there were women there that really abused the system..but there were some there that just tore my heart strings. It wasnt the best of places to live...but it was such a relief to know that I wasnt going to be called names, or beaten. I learned alot in the shelter and it was the best thing I had ever done.

One thing I must say...the most dangerous time for a woman is after leaving an abuser. This is why it is important to go somewhere that an abuser doesnt know...such as a friends that the abuser doesnt know where they live, or a shelter. I found this out the hard way.

My ex still tried to court me after the last time I left him. He would ask me to meet him for dinner so I could sign a paper, or talk. I was stupid and did. He didnt do anything in these meetings, but what happened after I stopped them...is when things went bad.

Mother's Day 2002 he showed up at my parents where I was staying...and he had the kids. It was around 11PM! The kids brought me mother's day cards. Each which said that they missed me and wanted to know when I was coming home. That night..he stayed in the car while the kids gave me the cards and I gave each of them a hug. They went back to the car, and ex said he forgot to give them some mail I needed. So he got out of the car and came to the door. After the kids were out of ear shot...I gave him an ear full. I told him that I was really angry that he had sunk to a new low..and that I was filing for a divorce as soon as possible. It was over. He told me he was in counseling...blah blah blah. I told him to leave and walked in the house and shut the door in his face.

2 months later...I had started dating a wonderful guy. We had been dating a month. We went to a wedding and went to the bar. We came home and went into my room. It was July so the window was open. First, him and I had never had sex. We fooled around, but never did anything that could be called sex. I had a few to drink, so I was a little on the ummm horny side. I took off my dress and bent over and kissed him. Outside my bedroom window came my ex's voice "That is my wife you are fucking". My then boyfriend turned to the window and said, "what are you going to do about it". My ex said "Im going to fucking kill you.", he then punched through the window with what we think was a box cutter. Needless to say...911 was called and about 10 cop cars later.. they couldnt find him, because I did not know he had a new car.

2003 he finally turned himself in. He was found guilty of criminal damaging and menacing. He appealed and lost. He is still wanted, because he failed to show for sentencing.(His original sentence was 90 days, 60 days suspended with 30 served under house arrest. The 60 days were suspended as long as he had no contact with me or my then boyfriend. Oh btw..they tried to plea bargin with him..and the only reason he wouldnt take the plea was because he didnt want to pay for the screen and he didnt want the no contact stipulation.(How smart was he?LOL)

While he was in court for the charges, he was served with a temporary protection order...I had tried to get a protection order a few times, but he dodged service(answering the door and saying he was his cousin..and that he was in another state, etc.). With CPOs, if the person is not served...it is not in effect. Boy was he ticked that he got served! Later that year...I got my divorce finally(he dodged that service too), and the CPO hearing. He was going to fight the CPO but something happened on the way into the court room. His lawyer pulled him aside...they came in and said that they agreed to it. My attorney thinks that his lawyer said that he would not represent him in the appeal unless he agreed. This was the last time I saw him..

I still look over my shoulder, or if Im outside at my house and hear a sound in the woods, I still get scared. I worry Im going to run into him..but thankfully never have.

A leapord doesnt change his spots..and this is proof. During all these court hearings...he kept talking about his fiancee. I think to make me jealous...didnt work. I felt sorry for her.... About two months after all this ended...I was looking up stuff on the court site to see what was going on with him...She had filed a CPO against him too.

All this comes to head because..she contacted me. Turns out..he beat her too. She also told me that they were never engaged(she has since married), in fact...she never loved him. We traded stories..and so much was similar..good thing for her..she got out when she did.

There is soooo much more to the abuse. Threats against me and my family if I left. There were letters he sent to my family filled with lies and half truths(he wrote in the letter to my sister that I said my dad was having an affair, and that I was a prostitute a few years before...He told her that I said my mom was a druggie and alcoholic and was doing all this while she was prego with me...you get the picture). I am currently working on a book to detail many of the other things. I am hoping to colaborate with the girl he dated after me.

UPDATE: 2008-I received a letter from yet another victim of my ex.  She was unfortunate and married him after all too.  Even more unfortunate they had a child together.  He had the baby with him and was trying to convince the courts she was insane and incapable of raising a child. (He had made claims to everyone I knew that I was crazy, and had my psych convinced of this too..leading me to be on a ton of drugs.  I have since been cleared by the psych to be compeletly and totally insane...though some of my friends might argue! LOL j/k). She was asking for my help.  Since I now have a daughter, I was afraid that would put her in harms way. The only help I could offer her was emotional support, and anything in regards to courts, I could not do unless it was done anon. I have not heard from her since)

Ok...I hope you have gotten this far if you need to(if you dont need to..thanks for reading my ramblings). If you needed to read this..I wrote this because I want those of you to know that are in this situation...you can get out! They do not change. I know. I went back 3 times because he said he had changed.

If he has you feeling trapped because of money or transportation...there are ways around that. You can do it without him. He will not be the charming, loving guy you met...no matter how much you wish he will.

Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Please read this on their website about using the computer to look for helphttp://www.ndvh.org/help/warning.html. (I had used the library computer a few times)

You dont deserve to be abused. Whether it be physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Please make the call and be safe. If you have kids..dont let them grow up seeing this going on. Statistics show that they will likely grow up to be abusers, or be abused..because that is what they think is the "norm".

If nothing else..I hope I have helped at least one person

Mother Warriors

Recently I watched an Oprah show that was about Jenny McCarthy's book about her son who had autism. Jenny talked about Mother warriors. One thing that Jenny had mentioned that she not only talks about warrior mom with kids with autism, but single mom's, mom's with certain struggles, etc....

Jenny was VERY powerful, and I hope that one day I will be able to read her book. I really never knew much about her because to be honest, I never paid attention to her when she was acting and such.  But I sat just absolutely awwstruck while I watched her on Oprah.  She is a very strong woman and very real it seems. She is now my most favorite single mom in the world.(Though she does have an amazing man beside her, Jim Carrey).

Jim came out towards the end of the show and I saw a whole new side of him.  I have always loved Jim Carrey, and loved watching him in interviews.  He would be all over the place and loved when he would catch the interviewer off guard.  But this interview gave me a huge all new respect for him in many ways.

I have to respect him because he was willing to stick to it when Jenny's son was uncapable of showing him the attention that he loves.  He was willing to stay beside Jenny even though he is not the boys father...it would have to be hard.  But the things he had to say about one lady that was on the show, about Jenny and about other mother warriors just made me realize how real he is.

He said that he knew right in the beginning even with Evan's autism that they were meant to be together.  Whenever he'd ask himself something the answer was always yes..and he knew that meant it was right. "Do I want to see her tomorrow?" yes, "Do I enjoy being with her?" yes....The love he has in his eyes for Jenny and Evan is so apparant that it brought tears to my eyes.  He also talked about how single mom's often limit the universe by saying things like "There are no good men left", "There is noone right for me", etc...The universe that created the starts and plants the world, and us...Can not be limited.  How freaking cool is that?

So..if I could say anything to Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey, I would say..Thank you for sharing your strength and your love for each other...and giving us mother warriors hope for a good life.

Just for a little while.....

There is only one person that reads my blog that I know IRL. She is a schoolmate that I forgot that was on my twitter account. I THINK she would be shocked at what I am about to write...and I know most people who know me IRL, would be shocked...

I'm down..this has been going on for a few weeks..I think most of it is the stress from school, plus I keep digging myself a deeper hole by becoming apathetic because the stress is becoming more than I can handle it seems. I hide my depression real well around others, and sometimes I wish I didn't, but I don't want others to feel sorry for me..but I feel like I'm ready to crack.

Amazingly, I feel nothing about the fact that I am single on Valentine's day. I really don't care that I am single...except for the fact I need held. I need my hair stroked while I cry into a sympathetic shoulder. I need someone to listen while I whine about everything that is getting me down, school, money, single mommyhood, a child who is becoming more and more defiant, and not to mention that I am mourning my childhood.

Childhood should have been happy, but for me it was very traumatizing and sad. I started downloading 80s hair band music...and amazingly that has seemed to make this depression worse.

So just for a little while, I would like to have someone to wrap his arms around me and do all that I mentioned. I only have one real true friend IRL. Yeah, I have some people in my life that I talk to every day (basically at school), but none of them can really relate to my whole situation, not to mention that I just don't think they will get it. The least of my stressors is the mommy thing, and those that do have kids or are single moms..yeah they can relate to that..but there is so much more.

I so want to call Harry and ask him to come hang out with me tonight while I cry. He is the only person in the world that I could trust yet not to expect something, or make things more complicated. Despite what he revealed to me in my Harry and Shirley post, he is certainly a true friend and someone I can depend on. In fact, he called me last night and we talked for a few hours. He straight up told me that even since I do not want to engage in the whole thing with him and Shirley, he is my friend..and will be there for me no matter what. Yeah he wants more, but he can understand and he wants to be there for me as a friend only if that is the way it is. I just can't call him, because he is probably spending Vday with Shirley, second, I have a hard time opening up to others (the blog is different, because most of you I will not ever meet, heck maybe none of you), and finally, I don't trust myself. I am depressed and I may do something I would regret with him. So instead I will sit here tonight study(or attempt to..)play games or cry.

To everyone else...happy valentine's day. May your year be full of love.

Dear Wilma (Commenter)

I received a comment back on February 2 that I did not see because Haloscan has not been nice to me lately and tells me when I receive comments, so I am a little slow about responding but I wanted to respond to this one.

I wrote a post awhile back about the Top Reasons It's Hard Being a Single Mom.  And Wilma responded to it by saying the following:

"What are you complaining about? Sounds like you have it pretty easy. Try being a single mom of 2, working full-time and not being able to go back to school because you can't afford to go part-time or quit your job in order to take classes. I have no help, my mother has been dead 10+ years, siblings live out-of-state, children's father live out-of-state and my father is too sick to even care for himself. There is no "alone or down time" and forget a "night out", what's that? You should appreciate your situation and the help your mother gives you, there are a lot harder lives out there than yours, try mine!"

MY RESPONSE:

Wilma,  I am sorry you have it so hard.  It sucks that things are not what you want them to be, and I respect your wanting to give me your opinion, just as I should be respected for my opinion.  Yes I have been blessed with a family that helps out, and I am very thankful for that, but it doesn't take away fromt he fact that it is still hard. My blog is from my viewpoint, not yours, Steve, Mary's, or George's.  I can only write about what *I* know.

To address a few things...I have only had a night out 8 times since Sunrise has been born, and 3 times in the last 2 years. So I don't take pitty on you for not having nights out.  Yes my mom does help out, and yes I am very thankful for her, but she does not help out as much as one thinks.  She works many hours in order to keep health insurance for her and my father. My father has heart problems and is a business owner, so to have insurance that he purchases would be outlandish. I only ask my mom for things when I no longer have any alternatives.

As far as school goes, anyone can go back to school, it is just a matter of finding a way to do it.  That excuse does not wash for me.  When I graduate and start working full time, I will be going back to school to further my education.  At that time, I will not be having as much assistance from my family as I do...but I know it can be done. I challenge you to try and find the resources to do so.

I am sorry that you are bitter towards me because you think I have it so good...but you are mistaken in thinking just how good I have it.  I never stated I have it harder than anyone else...what I did say is that it is hard, and any single parent that reads my blog will agree.  It maybe hard for me in one aspect, but easy for someone else in another aspect...ask any of my single blogging friends, I am sure they will agree.  In fact, I am sure this will elicit comments from my blogging friends to state just how they have it difficult too.

I wish you luck in finding happiness.  I hope that this bitterness that you hold against those who have it "easier" will be lifted.  Walk a mile in my shoes, then you can criticize me...I don't criticize you because your shoes are apparently to small for me to walk in.

Oh yeah...and check out why I love being a Mom...I don't always complain.

Good Luck

Dawn

"Excuse me sir...but where is UP??"

That is what I feel like lately.  I feel like I am slipping into depression again, and I know the reasons, but unfortunatly for me, depression is a vicious cycle.

My depression is not what people who have never experienced depression THINK that it is.  My depression is characterized simply by the loss of desire to do ANYTHING.  Which really sucks when you are in nursing school.  Let me tell you.

My depression also is characterized by easily overwhelmed.  Take for instance, today, I came home from open lab, with complete plans to study for the rest of the day.  No go...I laid on the couch and fell asleep to endless episodes of Max & Ruby, Blue's Clues, Little Bill, and Pinky Dinky Doo...(have I said lately how much I love my cable??)

So at one point, I decided it was time to crawl off the sofa and sit at the computer and start to go through my reader to check out what everyone has been doing in their lives since I have gone into this depression......only to find well over 1,500 posts that I have not read!! HOW THE HELL?????  I check the date...and there staring me in the face was the last date that I read blogs...January 24th....JANUARY 24th...DID YOU SEE THAT??? That is over 2 weeks of not reading blogs...So I read through all my single mom blogs haphhazardly...and decided I really needed to do something about this.

So...I am going to have to do a catagory a day, plus writing more, and studying...I need to carve this time out for myself.

Since the whole Harry and Shirley thing...I am like....REALLY horney...Damnit!  How does one get over that??  Sure I could call them...but not my bag of tea...so instead...I look to my dear old BOB.  LOLOLOLOL

2 more weeks and the semester is over..and maybe then I can get my shit together and figure out what end is up......in the mean time....Could someone PLEASE point me the way???

To the person I was suppose to review

There was a woman who I was suppose to review a program for her.  

To her...I never gotten to review it because my computer broke. It is currently sitting in a heap on a chair awaiting a box to send back to the manufacturer.  Unfortunatly, your program and worse, your email address is on that computer.  I was hoping you would email me again so I can let you know but I think you must have given up on me.  PLEASE email me again, so that I can get this done for you if you still want.

I apologize!  I can't even boot up my laptop at this time, and I do not know if the manufacturer will fix the break either.  Cross your fingers.

Dawn

Talk about catching you offguard...

I have a very good friend who happens to be male.  He is married, and I am friends with his wife as well, but more friends with him.  Harry and I (mostly Harry) do what I thought was innocent flirting.  His wife is 9 times out of 10 in the same room as him when we talk on the phone, and she jokes as well.

The other day Harry called me and we talked.  Since my days are filled with books, clinicals, Sunrise, and more books...I have "neglected" my friendship with him and he is ok with that.  Especially since he knows that I am trying to make a life for my daughter and I.  So as we caught up on the last few weeks...Somehow we came upon the subject of our flirting.  This was all in light reference as it usually is. Of course, Shirley was laying on the couch beside him, and somewhere in this conversation fell asleep.  

As we talked, he confessed to me that him and Shirley have an "open" marriage.  Well partially open, because Shirley has no interest in dating other men, but Harry certainly likes to date other women.  So then I became suspicous of our innocent flirting.  

He must have been able to hear it in my voice, because he said "Don't worry...Shirley says you are off limits".  I thought to myself, "OFFLIMITS???"  What the hell?? Why would I be off limits??  It wasn't that I was interested in being involved with Harry, but my feelings were hurt. I mean really....Why would my friend Shirley say I was off limits...Really? Am I that bad of a person???  When I asked Harry why I was "off limits" it all became quite clear.

"Well, Shirley considers us three as friends" Harry said.  "Well yeah, we are friends..." I stated still trying to figure out what the hell I did to be off limits.  With emphasis in his voice he says "No Dawn... that isn't all...".  Ohhh this has got to be good...since I am over here devistated that I am not an imaginary option to my friends open marriage....."Dawn, Shirley would be jealous".   "Ummm hello?? She'd be jealous of me but not the other women you date??"...Then it hit me like a bag of rocks to the face...."Not jealous that I was with you, but that you were with me."  Yes...my dear readers....My friend's wife, does not want me sleeping with her husband, because SHE wants to sleep with me....

THUD

Why do they think you want to be friends?

I wrote about an exboyfriend in one of my domestic violence posts. He was the guy that my exhusband had threaten to kill when he broke through the screen at my house.

He had broke up with me the day after, but he said it wasn't because of the incident...which I know part of it had to be.  He was a great guy, and the only guy in my life who after he broke up with me, I didn't have mean feelings toward.  I still get butterflies and miss him terribly.  Why is it that it still hurts?  I mean it has been 6 years since we dated, and to see him or hear from him still hurts.

He has become friends with a family member of mine.  She let me know over the summer that he got married. I was heartbroken, but why? My god it has been 6 years!

He found me on facebook and sent me an email.  I have been teetering back and forth on whether to respond. After he sent me the email, and I never responded he sent me a "poke".  Now I sit here debating on whether I should answer.  I don't want to, but I feel I should.

For several years after he broke up with me, he would on occassion message me. Which was hard, but he made especially harder by telling me how awesome of a person I was and that some guy will be happy with me, and that he can't believe I'm still single.  Conversation usually ended up by telling me that he was sorry he hurt me, that it was all him, and blah blah blah.  This would make me cry every time.  After not hearing from him for so long, I finally was able to go on...or so I thought. Until my family member told me about his marriage.  Then that led to several days of morning that relationship. Now for the record...I wasnt devestated about it...I just wished I was the one he was married to.

So tell me...have you ever been unable to let go of feelings you once had for someone for 6 years or more?  And also, would you email him back?  I'm in need of opinions.  Please help!